Once More With Feeling

Ten things I want for 2007. Publishing this is going to be a mistake, but I figure I'll throw some easy things in there so if it all goes tits up I can still say I accomplished something.

- Smart car.
- Pink sweater.
- Puggle.
- Move house.
- Colour my hair.

- Masters degree.
- Dirty weekend at gorgeous hotel.
- Place on a postgrad journalism course.
- Take at least one night class in something fun.
- Learn a little more French.

If you're chortling at the positioning of 'pink sweater' above 'Masters degree', I would just like to point out that the list is randomly ordered! Actually, scrap pink sweater, that's rubbish, though it does fulfil the easy quota mentioned above. Let's be daring and put this instead: get on a plane. Fuck it, let's really scare myself silly!

For anyone who might not know, a Puggle is a cross between a Pug and a Beagle, how effing cute is that! I fell in love with the dog on In Her Shoes, who is a Pug mix. But I will probably try and get a dog from a rescue place. Puggle is the ideal, but I'll take any little pooch with a bit of character really. I just like looking at this picture and going: "Awwwww!"
It's Alfie's birthday next month. If we're still in touch, I'm thinking of buying him a present. He has this pair of Vivienne Westwood cufflinks that he loves. I had a look at the website hoping they did some different styles, but they only do the one pair. However, they have them in both gold and silver. I'm assuming his are silver because they are silver-coloured, though they could easily be white gold. I'm wondering if it's worth me buying him the gold pair. It's also 'Muffin's birthday on the 29th. Must get my thinking cap on for him. He deserves it so much more than Alfie!

Merry Christmas. Discuss.

Hey everyone, hope you all had a great Christmas. Here's my quick recap: cool presents, though not a single pair of earrings, good food, people missing, yucky yucky cough medicine, more Mybug than I was bargaining for, morning text from Alfie signed 'lots of love x.'

Let's expand on those points. I know it's terrible of me to list these first, hello Material Girl, but the presents, they are the main feature of our family Christmas. We start opening on Christmas Eve, then at about 2 in the morning we call time, go to bed, and resume once we're all collected in the living room with cups of tea. Then the clan descends with more presents to exchange and we end up with about six rubbish bags full of wrapping paper.

So as naff as this sounds, my top 5 presents: D&G watch, gorgeous boots I picked out myself, GHD straighteners, Beyonce tickets, some nice lingerie I immediately imagined wearing for Alfie - bad, bad Chica.

Beyonce tickets people!! Ring that alarm!

Zero earrings, apart from the pair 'Muffin bought me. I thought that since I only had my ears pierced for the first time six weeks ago, that I would be inundated with the things. But not a single pair. It's possibly a good thing. I was just surprised, since people say they never know what to get me and that was the obvious choice.

Food. My mum cooked. Beautiful. We had a great Christmas dinner but we also had a champagne breakfast which was very civilised. We are normally so busy we don't get to eat until the main meal of the day, but this year we made time and it was lovely. Although, I think some people may have been anxious to get it over with. My niece Pebbles was like: "Can we do the presents now?!" as soon as she had finished the last bite.

A few of our family traditions have had to be adjusted due to some things that happened last year, so for parts of the day people who would usually be present were absent. Our family is a little fragmented and on days like Christmas Day you can really feel it. Plus, I really missed Puppy. And Boyf had to go to his mothers, which normally doesn't happen. Mostly, I missed my sister coming for dinner, though we did get to see her in the morning for our champagne breakfast.

I haven't had to take cough medicine since I was about 5 years old, but I have this awful cough and sore throat that keeps me awake all night. Yesterday, Boyf went to find an open chemist and returned with some drugs, including this really horrible cough medicine that I have to drink. Ick. Due to the sick, I spent yesterday watching Buffy DVDs and the Take That concert. Memories!! This does mean however that I am not scooping up any bargains in the sales this year. Which is poo.

I got a fair few texts from friends on Christmas Day wishing me a Merry Christmas, the first of whom was 'Muffin :) I managed to hold out and not text Alfie, so I was quite proud of myself. I also refrained from running out and buying him any presents. I probably would have cracked and text him on Christmas Day, because at the end of the day he is kind of my friend and I wanted to wish him a good day. But by eleven o'clock he'd text me so I was happy. I didn't reply until about 3 o'clock and haven't heard anything since. But I was pleased he'd bothered to text me at all and I know he likes spending time with his nephew on Christmas Day. We talked about him when we went out and it was the most unguarded I have ever seen him.

I also got a Merry Christmas message from Mybug. I was surprised because I don't really expect straight guys to think of things like that. I replied and said I hoped he got lots of nice presents under the tree. He replied 'Unfortunately none of them was you x.' Then at about one in the morning, after he'd clearly had a few drinks, he started texting me again. He wasn't even waiting for replies but kept texting stuff like 'I think you are so beautiful x x.' (I so need him to give Alfie some tips.)

Mybug: A good day, missing your sexy ass though, am badly pished x x
Chica: Ha I can tell! Missing my sexy ass? You haven't seen it for about 6 months! Are you out at the mo? x
Mybug: Yeah in party. I assume it's something that would still make me stop in my tracks x
Mybug: I think you are so beautiful x x
Chica: Yep you are defo pissed! Didn't think beer goggles worked unless you were there in person but there you go!
Mybug: Beer goggles, my ass you're a fittie! Trust me you rock. Are you out thursday? X

He invited me to a party but I leave for France on Thursday. The next day he text me and apologised for being rude and said he would make it up to me with some 'well deserved sweetness', but I assured him I'd heard a lot worse and thought he was funny.

Christmas Day was absolutely knackering, I'm still really tired and I can't believe I have to get myself together for travelling tomorrow! We are spending the New Year in our French village. It's just me and the Boyf going so we will get a lot of time together. I'm both happy and nervous about that. I will really miss MJ on New Years Eve for a start. And I will have to wish you all a very Happy New Year now because even though Wondy managed to blog from Thailand, there is one internet cafe in the surrounding towns of our French village, and I have never ever seen it open!

Oh, and do you remember I bought Alfie's cologne and didn't know what to do with it? I gave it to Boyf (I know! But hello, I couldn't keep my hands off him! Even my sister said he smelled gorgeous.) MJ also got it for Christmas. When Boyf opened it, he asked if Alfie or 'Muffin wore it. They actually both wear it but I just mumbled that I didn't know. Luckily he said he really liked it, but MJ broke all possible tension by announcing: "All Chica's bitches wear it!"

Love. Him.

Hope you've all enjoyed the holidays so far, Happy New Year! May all your wishes come true in 2007 xxx

What's It All About?

It's Christmas Eve Day!! Christmas Eve is my favourite part of Christmas. It's the slice of time we get to ourselves before the extended relatives descend upon us, bringing the madness with them. By midnight, we are opening presents - I know, I think Santa must hit our house first or something? And, when the turkey is cooked, we have hot turkey and stuffing sandwiches. Sometimes a glass of champagne. We stay up really late creating a mountain of discarded wrapping paper, and much laughter is had by all.

Yesterday, since I am still sick and could not face the chores I now have to do today, I had a movie day. I watched, in order, Five Children and It (Eddie Izzard if you please!), The Nightmare Before Christmas, Alfie, and In Her Shoes. Then I couldn't sleep all night because of this cough and this dilemma: when should I, if at all, text my Alfie?

Now, since I have watched the movie, I have the ideal opportunity to text and tease him about it, but, BUT, I was thinking I should wait and see if he bothers to text me over Christmas. However, if he doesn't I will read all kinds of shizz into that, when really maybe he doesn't feel like he should bother me when I am with my boyfriend? He doesn't know I'm a crazy bitch who thinks about him non-stop, and could possibly feel he was encroaching on my space? Or, do men even think of these things at all? Does the should I/shouldn't I wheel of indecision even enter their brains? Or do they just do whatever the hell they feel like?

I know I said I wasn't going to pursue him any more, you giving me the eyes there at the back. So maybe I shouldn't text at all unless he does. But I really want him to. I am just dying to kiss him again. And since he made the effort with all the emails and everything, would he feel like I'm not making the effort, so why should he?

You see, it's hard work being a crazy bitch.

Plans for today include: still trying to get that last minute present for my mum (there's always one isn't there?), finally going to see The Holiday - more Jude, Jude overload could push me into a text (by the way if any of you are wondering what Alfie's sexy look looks like, it looks pretty much like Alfie's sexy look here) - then having a nice soak in the bath and possibly a glass of Baileys, putting on some new Christmas pyjamas, and settling in for the fun.

Enjoy the festivities people!

Weird Science

My sister returned from her skiing trip today. I saw her briefly but we couldn't chat properly because my niece Anjelica AKA Ears was with her. We have much catching up to do so I'm really looking forward to seeing her. She has pictures which I am dying to see, and a reserve store of advice which I am dying to hear.

Had a good chat with 'Muffin earlier about our respectively disastrous lovelives. He's trying to get over Lila and was lamenting his single status. Again.

'Muffin: Here is what I need:
'Muffin: A mixture of you, Weezer, Oz, and a dash of Lila.
Chica: Oz?
'Muffin: (The librarian element.)
Chica: I just want Alfie, undiluted. But maybe a bit concussed or something...
'Muffin: LOL
'Muffin: You don't want him!
'Muffin: You don't need him!
'Muffin: I forbid you!

While we were chatting he forced me to critique some of the photographs of him. He has this whole complex since one of his friends told him all the girls he likes are out of his league so now I'm constantly having to reassure him that he isn't 'a mingah'. Whilst we were doing so I noticed that two fabulous girls I am now forever indebted to, Heather and Wondy, had both left comments on a pic of Alfie and I nearly choked on my own laughter while I was reading them. You both rule. And I will have Wondy's babies for that Quentin Crisp line.

Holding Back the Humbug

Today, I have mostly been: wrapping presents.

Ta-dah! Sadly, I don't have any spectacular surprises to spring on the Boyf like last year's kayak, and he knows about most of his gifts this year. Largely because it's mainly clothing that I had to get him to try on. But still, I hope he will be pleased with his pressies. A kayak would not fit under our new tree anyways.

I'm not massively impressed with the tree this year. But I do like our new angel at the top. It's my job to put the angel on. I've been doing it since I was yea high to a grasshopper. One day if I have kids I might let them do it. Until then, that bitch is mine.

I am so tempted to get Alfie something it's quite ridiculous. I even know what I would buy him. Nothing amazing but just something. I won't even see him over Christmas, and maybe ever again. I guess I'm a chump.

Only one more gift to buy (for mum) and some pretty cards to give a couple of people money in and then I am dunzo. I even finally finished off the Chrimbo decs, and put up some (but not all) of my cards.

Pride of place on top of the telly is 'Muffin's card! I even watched some of Santa Claus the Movie today while I was wrapping! A glass of Baileys and it will be Christmas!

This year is going to be pretty strange as my family is a bit fragmented and even Boyf has to go to his mums. I'm not so much looking forward to Christmas Day as Christmas Eve. Christmas dinner is going to suck a little I think. Then a few more days and the Boyf and I will be running off to France for New Year. I'll try and get it up for that at a later date :P

By the way I still haven't been to see The Holiday. I'm thinking I must drag Boyf to the Odeon for Christmas Eve? If I can't have Alfie for Christmas, I'm having Jude Law!

Jingle Bells

Yesterday was my last day of work before Christmas (hurrah!), so it is only right that I immediately caught a cold and am tapping away at my computer feeling like an extra from Night of the Living Dead rather than getting all my last minute shopping done. Okay, I admit I have just been for a mini shop but I only bought one present and the ugliest frickin' wrapping paper you have ever seen, which my boyfriend bought to wrap my presents with after I declared so. Go figure.

But back to yesterday. The 'Muffin and I were so sentimental about our last working day together (until January) that our boss ended up teasing us about our puppy dog looks and physical closeness ('put her down!') There's another one I'm having an affair with then I guess. We exchanged gifts at first break and he bought me a lovely pair of diamond earrings, which were exquisitely wrapped! Then after I'd been on a really boring job I came back downstairs to find a bottle of Malibu and bar of chocolate in my tray and a card from Lila, as a thank you for looking after her on Saturday! Sweet!

That put me in a really good Christmassy mood, but by the time I got home I felt awful and crawled into bed with How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I've mentioned before how much I love that film and I don't care who mocks me for it. Also, they sing You're So Vain in it so after my banter with Alfie it had to be done!

Oh, and 'Muffin wrote the loveliest message in my Christmas card, saying how it was also a thank you card, and including the lyrics to The Golden Girls theme tune! There surely is nobody else quite like him!

My message to him was equally soppy, however I did have reservations as to whether he'd be able to put it up at home.

'Muffin: Well why not?
Chica: Does your mum know what a mofo is?
'Muffin: Probably not, but she'll want to know!

Merry Christmas everyone!

You Prob'ly Think This Blog Is About You

Oh my God. I almost didn't post this because I am so embarrassed. But then I realised how shameful all the stuff I've already written is and thought meh, why not? It's not like I have any credibility to salvage at this point.

Today at work, the woman I like to compare to Pete Burns was in for the first time since the Christmas party. I knew if I was going to get any shit about Alfie, it would be from her. But I wasn't quite prepared for the total fabrication she threw in my face when she said, loudly, and in front of everyone, "So, I hear (Alfie) had his hand up your skirt the other night?"

I was mortified. For starters: he so didn't! The most he did was grab my arse. When I denied it she flatly refused to believe me and accused me of going red. She said somebody from another department told her and said: "You do fancy him though don't you? It's well known." I denied this also and asked: have you seen my boyfriend? She agreed he was ten times better looking than Alfie, who she described as a prick. She asked if we snogged and I said "No, and you can ask Lila because she was with us all night." Burnsy asked if we had a threesome.

Oh my God I can't believe they are making shit like that up. I look like a ho :( The thing is, we didn't even snog that night! I kept turning him down! And now this?

I quickly grabbed the 'Muffin for crisis talks. He was appalled on my behalf and said he would try and find out who was saying it. And he reckoned there was no way anyone knew I fancied him from anything but the way we were flirting that night, so it couldn't be 'well known.'

Mortified.

In other news, we have been emailing each other all day. All day. I got the first email at half eight and the last at 4:59. There was a lot so I won't post them all again as I have had a habit of doing lately, sorry. But, here is something that made me laugh.

From: Alfie
Sent: 20 December 2006 08:30
To: Chica
Subject: RE: hello

second week of jan. Gutted!!!

From: Chica
Sent: 20 December 2006 08:59
To: Alfie
Subject: RE: hello

MUAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

Stick that in your cravat and smoke it!

Merry Christmas by the way x

From: Alfie
Sent: 20 December 2006 09:11
To: Chica
Subject: RE: hello

that was the evilest laugh i have ever seen written down.

in fact, quite disturbing

I teased him about being really vain and agreed to hide the awful picture of him so that only my Flickr contacts can see it. Half of the emails are us sending lyrics from Carly Simon's You're So Vain to each other. Funnily enough, he liked the bit about all the girls dreaming they were his partner. He also said he is going to try and rent Alfie tonight because he can't remember how it ends.

I know I'm still rattling on about him but I feel a lot less under the spell funnily enough. I still think about him all the time, but right now I don't feel like I could give the Boyf up for him. I guess my feelings are still confused, but Saturday did effect me a lot and I saw a glimpse of the negative side to being with him. I still really like him, obviously, or I wouldn't be writing these kinds of posts and the emails from him wouldn't make me this happy.

The funny thing about Saturday was that the bit where I shouted at him felt better than the part of the night when we were close. Sure, it was amazing being led away by the hand (I love holding his hand, it gives me a giddy feeling), but when I just got so angry that I didn't care what he thought and gave him a piece of my mind, it was so liberating.

I guess my non-relationships are as screwed up as my actual relationships?

Wild Thing, I Think I Love You

This post is essentially about Alfie but the title refers to the ever rocking Wondy who left this comment on a picture of the man in question on my Flickr: "what the hell is he wearing around his neck? Sausage skin?"

(He wore a scarf in the style of a cravat in a hot club with a white shirt, sleeves rolled up, open collar.)

I am really enjoying the power that comes from possessing a bad photograph of a very vain boy! If you please:

From: Alfie
Sent: 19 December 2006 14:32
To: Chica
Subject: hello

hello

people are still seeing that damned picture of me on your site. Oz just sent me the link. Not impressed Ms (my surname). Are you gonna delete that one. pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaasssseeeeeeeeeee
the other ones are ok. I wont charge you for putting those ones up ;-)

From: Chica
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:09
To: Alfie
Subject: RE: hello

*EVIL LAUGHTER*

Don't worry, I'll set them all to private again soon so only my mates can look and mock.
However if you want to beg some more that would be fine by me.
I left a really awful one off of me and you that 'Muffin took. I do have a heart.

From: Alfie
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:10
To: Chica
Subject: RE: hello

there are no evil ones of us. Theyre all ok. Apart from that awful one at the bottom of the 1st page. GET RID!!!

From: Chica
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:13
To: Alfie
Subject: RE: hello

Revenge is sweet x
I can't delete it. My friend has left a comment on it. That would just be rude :P

From: Alfie
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:14
To: Chica
Subject: RE: hello

what comment has your friend left. and what is this revenge for madam

From: Chica
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:21
To: Alfie
Subject: RE: hello

Haha, you can click on the comment and read it yourself ;) By the way that photo has had 14 views so far :P

From: Alfie
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:22
To: Chica
Subject: RE: hello

gutted. Im goin home...

From: Chica
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:22
To: Alfie
Subject: RE: hello

Aw diddums.

From: Alfie
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:23
To: Chica
Subject: RE: hello

yeah yeah. well ive got flexi. Ha

From: Chica
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:24
To: Alfie
Subject: RE: hello

It's my last day tomorrow until second week of Jan! Bothered?! :P xx

*GIGGLE*

Hell No

A spot of tough talking via text has occurred since my last post. I replied to Alfie and mentioned that his mate had offered me some advice, which prompted this:

Alfie: Ha. What did he say?

Chica: He had a few pearls of wisdom. Among them was that I should tell you to stop being such a dickhead. I quite like him actually.

Alfie: Ha. And why have I been a dickhead then x

Chica: I think you know why. Everyone else does. I'm not bothered except you made me look like one. I'm not asking for promises but I would ask not to be treated like a prostitute. And if you make a joke about not paying for it you are officially an eight year old.

Alfie: Ha. I don't know what to say hun x

(Could there BE a more infuriating response than this?)

Chica: Considering I'm meant to be the quiet one you have surprisingly little to say for yourself. How about sorry? Don't play games with me, I'm not at school anymore and I've been more than honest with you. I realise this is the kind of shit you don't want but if you act like that I'm gonna call you on it and you should respect that.

Alfie: Look I am sorry if I have upset you. I don't know what I done but I didn't upset you deliberately. I don't know how I treated you like a prostitute. But I'm sorry if I did.

Chica: Really? Your own mate was giving me a bloody lecture about respect. Come on now, don't be silly. Anyway, spoke to Lila before, glad to hear she's still alive x

I figured the worst thing that could happen was he'd think I was a psycho having a major overreaction and never speak to me again. But I would rather that and nip this sort of thing in the bud than play along with his stupid games all docile and coquettish and turning a blind eye. Because even if by some miracle we got together one day he would still be pulling this shit. You teach people how to treat you and he cannot think that last night was okay. Plus, in the last text I've posted I defused the tension and we started talking about more normal things. I teased him about the really bad picture of him on my Flickr and he said he'd look in the morning. Then I got this:

Alfie: Oh my God. Couldn't wait. You have to delete it.

Chica: Nooo, it's too good! Though I am open to bribes... Ha, I'm looking at it now, is that chest wig from the David Hasselhoff line?

Alfie: Just noticed that myself. Not good.

Chica: Ha. When I'm signed in I can see who has viewed certain photos and I can tell you have only bothered looking at ones with you in them. ALFIE! x

Alfie: Well of course I looked at myself. I am Alfie.

Could this be the worst candidate for a boyfriend in the world? Enough. Enough now.

Nightmare Before Christmas

As you are probably aware, since it's all I've rambled on about for the last several hundred posts, yesterday was the Christmas party. There are some pics up on Flickr, but more to follow on Monday after I've swapped with 'Muffin. Wondy - the cravat trend continues!

Well. Well, well. Where do I fucking start?

I'll skip all the introduction. Most people have probably experienced the office party and know all about how crap they generally are until people are hammered and start copping off in broom cupboards etc. Imagine the first two hours of your own office party and then situate it in a trendy club. The usual suspects leave early. The quiet girl gets drunk really quickly and dances ludicrously but enthusiastically. There is small talk, and that one person who can't resist talking about work. We all compliment each others' outfits. Blah de blah. Let's get to Alfie.

I noticed him as soon as I walked in, but me and 'Muffin stayed at the other end of the bar. He came over, kissed me on the cheek and was instantly flirtatious. I ignored it and talked to Lila. I mingled for a bit with other people but Alfie kept coming over. He told me I looked nice and stroked my hair in front of Jojo. I teased him about the cravat and he said it was an extra layer for me to take off later. He told me I looked very elegant. I pointed out the shoes. He said, "I noticed. I'll let you leave them on." When I was dancing with the girls he came over and was trying to feel my arse. I moved and danced next to Ozzie.

Later in the night we commandeered one of the booths. Alfie was flitting here there and everywhere, since as he told me, he knows everyone. He brought his friend Alex over and reintroduced us. He started asking me to go back to his place. I told him it wasn't going to happen. He was like, "You're blowing me out? You only get one chance. I don't respond well to that." Then he started telling me what he wanted to do to me. I told him a man can dream. He said, "Oh no, you can't play hard to get with me." This was all in stolen snatches of conversation because at this point I was still trying to be discreet.

I danced with the girls a lot and Alfie joined us a few times. At one point we were kind of tucked into a corner and he told me that he really enjoyed last week, but felt shit afterwards because of the Boyf. I agreed and said I could do something about that though. He asked me what I could do, but I realised what a stupid thing that was to say and just laughed. He had his arm around me and his hand on my arse as we were talking to people. Lila came over and asked me what was going on with us. She's witnessed stuff before so I just laid my cards out on the table and told her that yeah I liked him but he just wanted a shag and that wasn't going to happen. She said she thought he liked me and wasn't only after a shag. I said, well I have a boyfriend anyway. Alfie came over and asked me to follow him. I leaned over and told 'Muffin I was disappearing for a bit and followed Alfie to the VIP area. We had a dance and he sang really badly in my ear. He was on at me to go back to his again, saying we could leave now and he'd call me a taxi at four. I just shook my head at him and kept dancing, then his mate called him to get him in so I was saved by the bell.

When I rejoined the table, loads of people had left. I sat with Lila until she lit up a cigar and set off the fire alarm. Surprisingly, nothing happened and eventually it went off. Alfie came back and wanted to know why I wouldn't leave with him. I told him I wasn't that sort of girl and that I was worth the wait, as he should know. He said how was he meant to know and he'd waited long enough and then he walked off! I must've looked like I'd been smacked in the face because 'Muffin came over and asked me if I was okay. I went and sat back with Lila and considered ringing Boyf and going home there and then. 'Muffin asked me not to go and I got up and danced with him and his mate for a bit. Then I felt a hand on my arm and Alfie pulled me away from them and into a queue. He smuggled me and his mate downstairs into another VIP (VVIP I guess?) room and his mate bought me a drink. I tried to chat to his mate for a bit. He seems a lot more down to earth than Alfie and we struck up a bit of banter.

Alfie dragged us off to a seated area and then played out all his cool shit, generally posing and being annoying. He bugged me about going back to his some more and I told him I couldn't get away with it again. He said this was the perfect and last opportunity. I asked him what he meant by that. He was like, it's the Christmas party, when else have you got such a good excuse? (Yeah, I can see he feels really bad about Boyf!) I said, what do you want? He gave me the sexy look. "One night stand?" I asked. He said, "No. And besides, this is the second night." I asked him what he wants again and he said, "You know I don't want a big long term relationship. I want some fun." Then Lila landed in the seat next to me and I gave her a hug and said, "Save me!"

Alfie started trying to kiss me and I pulled away. "What's that about?" he asked. (For those wondering, the lip is back to normal but I still wasn't going to kiss the guy on the mouth so soon.) I leaned in and kissed his neck and slipped my hand inside his shirt. Then I pulled away and when I turned around Lila and Alex were watching us. I noticed the sash on my dress was undone and asked Lila to tie it. As she was doing it, Alfie slipped his hand right down the back of my dress and pushed his fingers under the top of my underwear. I wriggled away and Lila was laughing.

It quickly became apparent that Lila was utterly wrecked. I took her to the toilets and she was in there for about twenty minutes. When we resurfaced, Alfie was at the bar and I went and danced with him for a bit. He slipped his hand down the back of my dress a little again and said, "Aren't you wearing a bra?" Then started saying how I would be naked later except for the shoes. When I disagreed he tried to negotiate for the shoes and the underwear. He was asking if I'd chosen my underwear especially for him and I said no and just shook my head at him. I could tell he was getting annoyed because I wasn't giving him the reaction he wanted, but he was making me feel really cheap and there was no way I was going to go home with him no matter how much I like him.

I was starting to worry about Lila and Alex was moving in on her. I told her it was time to go home but she wasn't having any of it. Eventually I got her to sit down and she started texting her mates so I thought she was okay. I noticed Alfie talking to some girl as I was trying to sort Lila out. When I'd got her settled, he'd stopped so I went over and stood with him and his mate. His mate started chatting about Alfie, bigging him up, and Alfie was like, "I can hear every word!" Then the girl started talking to him again so I danced with the mate for a bit. His mate was like "Let's groove!" I liked him, he was really funny. I leaned over to check on Lila and the mate said to me, "It's okay he hasn't gone far, I'm not going to try anything." I told him I was worried about Lila and he told me not to. I noticed the girl had hold of Alfie's phone. His mate said to me, "Go and get a grip of your fella and tell him to stop being such a dickhead," I told him he wasn't my fella. He said, "I know but he came here with you tonight and now he's flirting with some girl right in front of your face. The disrespect! How disrespectful is that?" I was like, shit. Alfie is always talking to girls when we are out because he has a lot of female friends and I didn't want to presume anything about him talking to this girl. But when his mate said that to me I felt like a complete fool. "Where are you from?" he asked me, and I told him. "Bloody hell," he said, "You're from there and you're letting him get away with that?! How have you survived?" I thought about telling him I had a boyfriend so I could hardly talk, but instead I said: "You're right, I'm leaving." His mate panicked and told me not to leave because of what he'd said. I told him I had to take Lila home.

I went to check on Lila and she was semi-conscious and the contents of her handbag were on the floor. I picked up all her stuff, pulled the hair back from her face and told her I was taking her home. I rang the Boyf and asked him to come get us. It was three thirty and the club was closing. Alfie was still talking to the girl, calling her "Hell's Bells" (she was called Helen which is his best mates name and he calls her that), who looked like one of the blonde Bratz can I just add, and I was trying to fasten Lila's shoes. (Okay yes I am fucking jealous, I readily admit it, but I think I had good reason!) I think they must have asked Alfie to go somewhere and he said no, he was with some girls from work and he gestured towards us. One of the girls really bitchily said, "Oh yeah, they look like nice girls," in this sarcastic, catty tone. I glanced up and gave them a dirty look. At this point I was losing my rag. Alfie had been an arse all night, I was left looking after Lila while he moved on to some tramp, and even his mates were practically telling me to get some self respect. The girls laughed and walked off and the bar staff were ushering everyone out. I stood up and shouted, "Your mate is a fucking bitch!" (I kind of slipped on the whole channeling Elizabeth Bennet at this point, but how great would it be if she'd said that in P&P?!) Alfie looked really shocked. I got Lila standing up but she fell back down and pulled me with her. Alfie said he'd get her and propped her up. He asked me what was up and I think I may have told him to fuck off, either that or just by my face he could tell I was pissed off because I heard him go: "Whoa!"

We got outside and we were both holding Lila up. He was asking me if I was okay and I told him I was fine. He asked me why I was being weird and I told him I wasn't being weird. He said I was obviously being weird with him and I said, "Why, cos I'm not kissing your arse?" He was like, fucking hell. He asked Alex to take Lila home and I put my foot down and said no. He said he'd go with them (where that left me I don't know) but I told him it was okay, to just wait with us for ten minutes and Boyf would take us home. He sneered, "Boyf to the rescue is it?"

The wait outside is a little bit jumbled because I was angry and Lila was being difficult. I remember telling Alex to leave her alone. I said I was freezing and pressed myself into Lila, who I was still holding upright. Alfie pressed himself against me and kissed my shoulder. Alex wanted to leave and was asking Alfie why they were staying. I told him he was being a gentleman. Alfie said, "Chica's boyfriend is coming to get them." I can't remember how it came about but Alfie was saying something about Boyf and I said, "Why, are you jealous?" and he thought about it for a second, looked right at me and said, "Yes." I told him he didn't have to be. He said, but you're going home with him and not me. Somehow, I told him I didn't want to end up with nothing. He said he couldn't promise me anything and that he'd said from the beginning that he didn't want a long term girlfriend. I said I knew that, but I was worth more than just a shag. (This is while we are holding Lila up between us by the arms!) He said he knew that and he'd said that from the beginning to me too. I told him he had never said anything like that to me. He made a noise like he was frustrated. His mate started causing trouble so he went to sort that out. Boyf arrived and pulled up down the street. I carefully led Lila to the car, grabbing Alfie's arm on the way and telling him we were leaving. Lila tried to get in the car from the wrong side. I managed to lever her in and thanked the Boyf for coming to get us.

During the drive to Lila's, I held her hand and tried to keep her talking. She seemed a little better and was thanking Boyf for taking her home. I told her he did this every night of the week. I was so glad to see him. Alfie text me to say that he had Lila's mobile phone. When we got to her house, I took her inside. When I was pulling her out of the car, she bit into my arm. Then I had to stand with her outside her house while she repeatedly apologised and hugged me. She couldn't put the key in the door. I got her a glass of water and put it next to her bed. I left her a note telling her that Alfie had her phone. I had to stop her wandering out into the hall.

When I got home, I had messages from Alfie. I apologised if I was weird. He said I was weird towards the end of the night but nevermind. I text back: I see your non-committal message and raise you an Alfie shrug, because he had been shrugging at me every time I rejected him and when I told him it was his loss. In the end I couldn't be bothered replying to his messages and just went to sleep.

Another huge post, sorry! I should post these in installments...

Anyway, this morning he text me asking how I was and everything. I rehashed things with 'Muffin whose conclusion is as follows:

Chica: if Alfie asks what was wrong again I'm gonna tell him he made me feel cheap
'Muffin: if he makes u feel like that why do you want him
'Muffin: he should be treating you like a princess
'Muffin: I'd give my bloody book collection away for a girl like u!

What happens next is anyones guess. But I'm thinking it should involve kicking and kerbs.

Persuasion

I'm not one to follow idiotic books like 'The Rules', because I think people and relationships are individual and should be evaluated on an individual basis, and also, I really hate being told what I should or shouldn't do. However, last Christmas, my mother bought me Lauren Henderson's Jane Austen's Guide to Dating, because, I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I am completely besotted with Austen and read Pride and Prejudice pretty much constantly. It looks really quite interesting if you've read a lot of Austen like me. Ooh, and there are little quizzes in the back of the book you know I will be doing later! I haven't really plumbed the depths of Henderson's book, but I picked it up today - MJ left it out after raiding my book shelf in the 'spare room' (walk in wardrobe/junkyard/home office) to post this - and I have to admit a few paragraphs I skimmed rang true to me. I particularly liked the chapter on not falling for superficial qualities. I may even get this tattooed on the inside of my arm for future reference, like cheating in a chemistry exam by sketching the periodic table out on your stomach (what, you never did that?):

LESSON TO BE LEARNED: DON'T FALL FOR FLASHY, CHARMING PEOPLE. What Not to Do: Don't Be Too Ready to Think You're Anything Special to a Player. - Henderson, L. Jane Austen's Guide to Dating, (London: Headline, 2005) p.119.

She don't want no scrub.

When I arrive at the party tonight, I shall be armed with the following catalogue of Don't's:

• Be fooled by charm. I can't say this often enough - someone who's too good to be true probably is. Take time to get to know him, and be wary of a man who's presenting himself as perfect.
• Date someone who's treating you like arm candy. You'll know soon enough what his true motive is - he won't ask questions about your life, your interests, or anything that really defines you as a person, not just a pretty face.
• Date someone because he has qualities you wish you had. Being with someone more gorgeous, or charming, or extroverted than you can be very seductive. But if you're doing it because you think you're lacking in those qualities, it will only make you feel more insecure - because he has what you think you don't. Work on your own self-esteem instead, and don't try to artificially boost yourself through your boyfriend.

- Henderson, p.131.

Tonight, I will be channeling Elizabeth Bennet. (Also played by Keira Knightley!) I will be silly and fun loving but ladylike, and if he is at all rude or presumptuous I will put him in his place!

That's the plan anyway. Yesterday, I was going as Lara Croft.

A laydee!

The Waiting Game

This time last week (3 am) I was still with Alfie. We were probably lip locking right now. And for the next two hours. In 24 hours, I'll most likely be sitting at home after the Christmas party, crying, or blogging, or both. Hey, you never know, maybe at some point during the night something will click with me and I'll un-fall for him. That would be pretty convenient.

Time is a funny thing. I'm looking at it as significant but really it's totally arbitrary. What I did on Sunday at 12:57 is as relevant to what I'm doing now as my night with Alfie.

During our clinch, I told Alfie he'd have to wait for me. He said he'd been waiting five weeks (since we last went out). I said, we've only been out twice. He said 'but you've known me for a year.' I said, 'but you never even used to talk to me,' and he laughed. 'I didn't care,' I added, 'because I never used to like you,' and that made him laugh too. He'd objected earlier in the evening to my only liking him for two months when he'd worked with me since January.

I'm not sure what this post is about apart from the fact that I can't sleep. But tomorrow, as they say, is another day.

Sisters Doin' It For Themselves

I have to say, this Alfie stuff has been a major pain in the arse and has really thrown me for a loop, but it's started to get me thinking seriously about my life and what I want out of it. There are a few things I've wanted to do for a while, and recently I've been thinking 'Well, if I was going out with Alfie I would do that, but if I'm not, then there's no point.' Um, somebody please bitch slap me for even thinking that. It's like the whole fashion thing. My approach to dressing for work used to be really lazy. It's not that I went in wearing any old crap I'd pulled off a heap from the bedroom floor or anything, but I just used to iron whatever was the most convenient thing and not give it a second thought. When I was trying to catch Alfie's eye, I started to think about my outfits in a different way and tried to show off my best attributes and hide my worse ones. It may have been for his benefit that I started to do it, but since he's left I've kept it up (though I'd never wear killer heels unless he was there - I'm not flippin' Posh Spice) and it does make me feel better if I'm wearing something I actually like.

It's strange. It's like through imagining being with him, I'm not just wanting another man but another life. And it occured to me today that that is probably the most seductive thing about this crush. The best thing is, even if I can't have Alfie, I can get all the other stuff for myself.

I used to make excuses for not doing things, like driving. It's too expensive to run a car. There's no point anyway because parking by work is rubbish. I don't mind the bus. But driving would probably give me a lot more independence and I'd visit some friends I would like to see more. So I've decided to save for a car next year.

I don't know what the bejesus is going on with my career and I've been kind of sidestepping the issue by prolonging the dissertation process and plodding on with my dead end job. But I've decided that, yes it'll take time and money, but after I'm done with the dissertation I am going to look into magazine journalism. I have absolutely no idea how to go about this, so I'm going to email the lady that interviewed me for the journalism research job and ask for advice. She may not remember me, but it can't hurt, right? And if I haven't finished the dissertation by the next deadline, then I'm not going to finish it.

And I'm going to start indulging my hobbies a bit more and take some night classes. My excuse for not doing this before has been the demands of my job and writing my dissertation, but now I'm part time I can afford to do something like this, and I might meet some interesting new people. It means I'll spend less time with Boyf but frankly that's probably a good thing. Maybe we'll put more effort into the time we do have together.

I know this all smacks of New Years Resolution which is why I'm going to try and put some things into place before then. All I can do is try. I feel good about making some decisions. If one good thing has come out of all this mess, it's that I've realised that it's okay to want something and to go for it. Even if you fall flat on your face, you can take something from the experience. I may not have got what I want from Alfie, but I never in a million gazillion years thought two months ago that I would be lying in bed with him, stroking his hair. Even if it meant nothing to him, it meant something to me, and so I can't regret it entirely.

So - yeah.

Cheating by Nietzsche

What better way to illustrate my decline as an ethical human being than with a quote from Sex and the City?

Carrie: Well, I think maybe there's a cheating curve. That someone's definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they themselves want to cheat.

Miranda: That's moral relativism!

Carrie: I prefer to think of it as quantum cheating.

Dear Diary of Dastardly Deception,

Okay. I'm in a bit of a bind. Should I take the Boyf to the Office Christmas Party or not? Due to the lip, and the cold shoulder I think I'm being given, nothing is going to happen with Alfie anyway, oh and then there's also the fact of the fifty or so witnesses, including my boss. Plus, I'm a bit nervous about going in and not finding anyone I know, and fretting relentlessly about whether Alfie is ignoring me all night.

I must admit that my prime consideration here is Alfie's reaction. Will he a) put on a front like he couldn't care less but secretly be jealous, b) think I'm pathetic for trying to make him jealous, c) actually feel quite relieved, or d) all of the above?

Taking Boyf would put the brakes on all possibility of flirting, and probably even talking. This could be the last time I ever see Alfie. But. Should I stick two fingers up to that fact, and in doing so, play a better game for the long term? If he's expecting some nookie at the end of the night (I don't know what the hell he's thinking at this point) and I turn up with my boyfriend, maybe it will prompt him to ask me out again? Or maybe it will prompt him to wipe his hands of the whole affair?

It's a risky strategy in so many ways. I would have to prime Lila and give her some story so that she would back me up if Boyf mentioned last Friday. She's not exactly the most discreet person in the world. But there would be something quite soothing about there being no possibility of Alfie making a drunken pass at me. Although, maybe it would be better if he did make the pass and I got to knock him back?

If I turned up with Boyf, the one reaction I know I can count on in Alfie is competitiveness. Not jealousy, but more of an ego thing. Boyf is infinitely hotter than Alfie. And I know the girls will talk about how handsome he is. I suppose it's a kind of proximity scale of attractiveness. Eek. I'm talking about Boyf like he is a handbag; having him on my arm would make me more desirable.

Shit. I do not like the way I am talking. This is Boyf. I need to check my motives at the door and think about what's best for him. I might not be able to help my feelings for Alfie, but I can treat the Boyf with a bit more respect than this and stop being such a scheming cow. In the words of Meredith Brooks: I'm a bitch.

Slapping my own wrists,

Chica x

Boy Shopping

Today, I took Boyf clothes shopping. I picked up some little bits of jewellery for my sister and Bratz Twister for my niece, but then dedicated the rest of the trip to kitting out my boyfriend with some stylish items for Christmas.

He was relatively well behaved as I thrust several shirts and pairs of jeans into his unresisting arms and marched him off to the changing rooms. He bought himself a pair of Timberland jeans and a dark green French Connection t-shirt in Lewis'. Then a pair of brown shoes. I suggested that he needed another pair of darker jeans for evening wear, and so we trotted off to French Connection and I rooted out the jeans least likely to offend his delicate fashion sensibilities (buckles? gay! faded patches or customisation of any kind? gay! pockets with buttons? gay! I will never get him to wear pink.) He tried on a pair and liked them, and scooped up a blue and brown striped shirt too. So I bought them for him. Next, I took him to Zara and chose a couple of shirts. After a bit of deliberation, he deigned to try one on and it looked really sexy on him. He gave it the seal of approval and so I bought him that too. The final item was a belt to match his shoes, which he picked out all by himself, and got totally the right colour! A proud moment for me. I felt just like Trinny and/or Tranny in that final moment of What Not To Wear when it all suddenly comes together and one of them has to cry and/or grab someones boobs and declare them fabulous.

He did complain about having to pay fifteen pounds for a belt though. This is after we'd shelled out over two hundred pounds between us on his outfits. When I told him that it was reasonable and the belt I wanted from All Saints was £35, he told me I'd been spending far too much time with Alfie and he'd influenced my perspective on the value of clothes! I rejoined that it was an extremely unfair claim since I hadn't bought the dress I LOVE in French Connection because it cost £130 and I am supposed to be saving to buy a car next year.

The dress (pictured above, but in a different colour) is lovely but not a patch on the elusive Monsoon dress which was only £60! (It is also called a 'serpent' dress. When I hear that I imagine the snake off Jungle Book rasping 'trussst in meeeeee, jussst in meee'.) So I decided to be sensible. Although, if I was going out with Alfie I'd spend that much on his Christmas present, so surely I could just cut out the middleman and buy it for myself? Ahem. Rhetorical question.

I still don't have a bag to match my shoes for the Christmas do though. Speaking of which, once we'd bought his clothes, Boyf was suddenly up for going to the party and asked me to get him a ticket. Now, he'd expressed very little interest up until that point so obviously retail therapy is not entirely lost on him. But I had to tell him that I didn't think I would be able to get him a ticket at such late notice (true), because my cover for going MIA last Friday was that I met Lila and got drawn into one of her crazy nights out, which would be the first thing he'd talk to her about. And whilst I realise that one day the truth may come out, I'd really rather it wasn't in front of the entire University staff and that Alfie wasn't within arms length of the Boyf.

Actually, the way I feel about him at the moment, that last bit would probably be okay with me :P

Book Worm

Tagged by the ever fabulous Wondy.

1. Grab the book closest to you.
2. Open to page 123, go down to the fifth sentence.
3. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog.
4. Name the book and the author.
5. Tag three people.

'Not any more.' Luisa is not joking.
With ironic deference, Brodie takes out the record from the gym bag.

- Cloud Atlas, David Mitchell

TAG: MJ, April, Guillermo (if you're not simply using your books to make a shrine for your Wii these days.)

I just skipped ahead in my book to do that and the tone of the text has completely changed. It's inspired me to dive back into that book, hurrah!

Picture Perfect

Lots of blogging today. I'm thinking maybe I need a therapist? But it's much cheaper if I just write about this shit and imagine somebody saying: 'and how do you feel about that?' every now and then. Sorry. Them's the brakes. You could club together and get me some therapy vouchers or something for Christmas? Or, alternatively, you could just click 'next blog' and be done with me.

This blog needs a Sex and the City makeover. I could jazz this drivel up a little and make it less pathetic. But I really do not have the energy or the motivation. I'm here for catharsis. I need an outlet for the crazy lady I am fast becoming. I don't know why you're here. If you are still reading, then you are far too kind. Mother Teresa would have bitch slapped me with a wet kipper and told me to get a grip by now.

Today, I took myself off to have some photographs printed off my camera. I got a stack of about 180 photo's developed. They are lovely. I'd forgotten how nice it is to hold a memory in your hand. Seeing them on the screen is no match for it. The pictures look more real somehow, more detailed. I was very pleased with the results. I still had pictures on there from our trip to Toulouse about a year and a half ago. And of course, the pics some of you will have seen on Flickr of 'Muffin's 'big night out.' Yes, I have physical photographs of Alfie now. That's gonna help me get over him sooooo much.

Meh, he's not that effin good looking (somewhere in my head, I just guffawed at myself.)

Anyway, I had a point somewhere. Oh yeah. Then I ate pizza with my boyfriend, before tucking him into bed and watching a romcom I've seen before. There was no great message in the film or anything and it was pretty standard fluff, but it did make me realise something. You are meant to be with somebody who makes you happy. It was a surreal moment for me to realise this because it was like a revelation. Of course I knew this already, but in all my frustrated musings about what I should do about my situation I never once considered perhaps the most important aspect of it all: happiness. Yes, I've been very selfish lately and thought about what I want and how to get it. And I have thought about what regrets I may have even if I got what I think I want. But I have never sat down and thought about it in terms of: am I happy with Boyf? Would Alfie make me happy? Would being single make me happy? Do I make either of them happy?

If I asked Boyf if he was happy with me he would say yes without a single moment of hesitation. And he would mean it. Now I'm not saying he's perfect; nobody is. But I can't explain to you what a catch this man is. He has his bad habits, and we fight, and yes, I get bored of us (seven years.) But he is completely devoted to me, he's phenomenally gorgeous, he's thoughtful in little ways like making me cups of tea, and he sobbed when Puppy died. I think myself bloody lucky to have met such an amazing man and I kick myself sometimes when I stop and think about how much he loves me. Now, let me ask the question, since I know there are people literally all over the world looking for this very man: why doesn't all of that make me happy?

Answers on a postcard. Spoilt bitch, seems to be the most obvious!

Too Nasty

Okay. I emailed Alfie today. It didn't go terribly well. It didn't go terribly either. But still. As I said about Mybug, you can tell if somebody actually likes you. And I'm not prepared to chase Alfie if he isn't going to chase me any more. I've got more than I thought I would out of it. Now I need to move on. It's going to be really fucking hard because, well, admittedly, and blatantly, I've fallen for him and idolise him to an unhealthy degree. In my eyes, he does no wrong, even when he is being a wanker, I find him charming. But I am through with making a fool of myself. If I do go to the party, I will make it my business to chat to everyone else all night, and have a good time, and even if I can't stop thinking about him, I won't let it show. And if I don't get to go to the party, well maybe at this stage that's a good thing.

God it is all very depressing.

So. What I need to do now is retrain my brain. I need to focus on all his annoying habits. And all of Boyfy's wonderful traits. Which seems pretty pointless right now because I already know them all and I want to be with Alfie despite them. Okay, I need to break this down. Being with Alfie would SUCK. I am not going to change him. He does not want a relationship. He cheats (pot calling kettle!) He blows hot and cold. He's a cocky fuck. He has disrespected me on more than one occasion. He has a massive ego. I would hardly see him. He would never be there for me. And sure, he's exciting. And we'd have fun. But pretty soon, it would have to get boring. The novelty would wear off. And if he's this lazy about things now, when it is all exciting, then imagine him then.

See, I don't think he's actually interested in me. I think he's just taking advantage of the fact that I like him.

Okay. It's got to stop. I'm not saying you will never hear another word about him from me again. Or that it will be easy. But, in the words of the All Saints girls:

Ain't got time for your dirty little games, no
Don't wanna be a part of your whole grubby freak show,
Stay away, stay away, go go
Cos you're too nasty, oh oh.

How shortlived do you reckon this epiphany is going to be then?

Elephunk

Last night, I was up really late at my computer because I couldn't sleep (combination of Alfie and the fact that I not only resemble the Elephant Man, but could be the sister who makes it seem like he got all the looks.) It was about twenty to one and my phone started to vibrate. I had a message. For some reason, I thought it might be Alfie and started to get all heart-poundy and nervous, but when my slow phone finally loaded the message it was from Mr. Mybug, who recently renewed contact.

Now. I'm not meaning to sound like I've been hanging around Alfie too long and have developed some of his cocky streak, but in the texts from Mybug you can kind of tell he likes me, in a way that is absent from Alfie's texts. In one he says I am "damn cute" and admits he's been asking after me in the library, and he invited me out for a drink. Now, Mybug knows I have a boyfriend. And he doesn't know that I'm a big ol' ho. So I didn't really know what to do with that and just kept my texts back to him light and jokey, friendly but not flirty (completely ignored the damn cute and offered a vague response to the drink question... which are both tactics Alfie uses with me!)

At about half two I went to bed and tried to surrender myself to sleep. I received my last text from Mybug at 2:49. He was teasing me about how I'd be the old one drinking sherry if I went out on a student night. He must be about 20 by now I think. He's a bar manager.

The weird thing about the sudden interest from Mybug and Dedalus is; I had totally moved on. The other week I had a clear out in my bedroom and I threw away an old cinema stub I'd had pinned to my notice board that was from the last movie Dedalus and I saw, then he emailed. And I threw out the little drawing Mybug did for me too, then I find another one in my in tray at work. Maybe I should delete all of Alfie's messages and drop the whole thing and see what happens. Even if he disappoints me, at least I'll have done something constructive and escape this ambivalence! (She says as she checks her work email from home for the fifth time this morning...)

Scents & Sensibility

Okay. So lately I have been shopping a whole lot. Last month it was "pull Alfie" outfits, this month it has been in preparation for Christmas. I still have quite a few presents to get for people. I need to find something for 'Muffin. And a few extra gifts for my sister for being such a great confidante these last few months!

At the weekend, I bought perfume for both of my sisters, and while I was in the shop I browsed through the men's section. I noticed the scent Alfie wears. I picked it up, sprayed it on my wrist. D&G Masculine - it's gorgeous. He always smells amazing. I bought it (!) I'm still not sure what I'll do with it!

I would love to buy Alfie a gift. But we're just not in that place. I really don't know what place we are in. We had a great time on Friday, but I don't feel close to him. He's very difficult to read and doesn't give very much away about himself. Anyway, I may email him tomorrow...

It's weird. Some of the people I talk to about Alfie seem to think that we are 'seeing' each other. But I don't feel like that about us at all. I constantly feel like it could be over before it's really begun. I don't know what would happen if I just didn't get in touch. Would he initiate things?

He didn't even tell me he'd split up with Sarah until I asked him directly what was going on with them on Friday night. He said he'd told 'Muffin and assumed he'd tell me. I said 'Muffin had said they were 'in between' relationship status. He said that the day I asked him in the stairwell if I'd be getting a text saying he regretted our encounter and he said no was the day they split up. But I know for a fact that that can't be true because he took her to the Paolo Nutini gig that night and showed me a picture of them on his phone the next morning! But I do believe that they have split up because he was open with his friends about who he was meeting (and why!) and his mum knew he was out with me (embarrassing encounter in the morning!)

It's extremely difficult to get to know Alfie in any way except in sexual terms. Then, funnily enough, he's wide open. But I need to feel that he cares about me to be able to go further. And I think he believes he just has to get me drunk! Wonder why? :P

I could never sleep with him while I am in a relationship with someone else. But I didn't even think I was capable of kissing somebody else or deceiving the Boyf like I have been. I find myself swinging between states of guilt, when I look at my boyfriend and realise how amazing he is and how lucky I am, and states of longing for Alfie despite the fact that he's never even really said he likes me. I'm not even sure I like the way he treated me when we got back to his on Friday, and I feel like I have to play games with him all the time. If I was going to sleep with someone, I'd have to feel like it was going to mean something. And not just to me. In fact, I'd have to be in love with that person. Otherwise, I would regret it and feel... empty. And me and Alfie are never going to get there. It's not what he wants.

Meh, I could go on forever. With these thoughts going on in my mind it's really no wonder that I've made myself ill and am doomed to be ugly for the Christmas party! I guess only time will tell. But until it does, I hope you can bear with me and my wittering! Hopefully I will look back on all this one day and laugh. Or at least shake my head, roll my eyes and draw little moustaches and spectacles on the pictures I have of him while cackling witchily.

Which reminds me, must make some space on my camera in the event of a miracle taking place through which my face deflates and I make it to the party!

Trout Pout

Oh my God. My bottom lip has swollen to the size of a basketball. Okay, I may be using a bit of hyperbole there, but what the bejesus is that about? Am I being punished? The party is Saturday! I have three days for my body to cure itself, or the last time Alfie sees me I will look like Jackie Stallone!

Giz a kiss!

Nooooooo.

I actually called into work sick. I was advised by my friend Calico to 'rest my face' in the hopes of a miracle, and I don't need to be worrying about 'stupid things like your job at a time like this!' My glands are up and I do feel sick but that is nothing compared to the fact that I look like I have a botched collagen job going on and can't speak properly.

Not happening.

Alfie is bad for me in so many ways... Yes I am blaming this on him.

Girlfriend in a Coma

Hmmm... recent happenings have led me to wonder what the Hell is going on with me, and if I am in fact losing my proverbial marbles. I sat down and discussed this with my good friend MJ, who holds my hand and walks me through any crisis I may face.

Now, MJ knows me very well, and he loves me. I know he would always support and defend me, and that anything Alfie did that MJ considered to be disrespectful would never be taken lightly by him. So, after I'd given him the totally uncensored version of Friday night's events, I braced myself for an onslaught of verbal Alfie bashing and some tsk tsking of my own.

Instead, MJ said: "God, you know, you're really cute when you're drunk. You say the funniest things. I bet he found you adorable. And you were a kinky little mare, I bet he loved it! I'm surprised he didn't come in his pants!" (I'd like to add as an aside that Alfie possesses a mirror in his bedroom. Me drunk is not cute. Nor is me hungover!)

I was shocked and looked at him aghast. "MJ," I said, "I know you're the last person who would judge me. But c'mon. It's looking pretty dire don't you think?"

MJ looked at me with sad eyes and put a hand on my knee. "Hun," he said, "I know it's not the PC answer. But you're alive and young and yes you're probably making some mistakes. But isn't that great?"

Is that great? I don't know. When I was younger I used to think that all I wanted to do was lead the best, most 'pure' life I could lead, to not hurt anyone, to always do the right thing. In recent months I've been making rash decisions, acting irresponsibly; there was a time, not so long ago, that I would have been very, very careful about not getting drunk on the date. I hardly ever drink. These past few drinking stories I've posted? They're the only ones I have. Apart from when I was about five and drank some wine in my grandmother's and danced naked under a lamp, so I'm obviously naturally inclined towards exhibitionism while under the influence...

But I suppose there is a grain of truth in what MJ is saying. I may be acting really stupid. I may be up and down like a yoyo emotionally over the Alfie stuff. But I feel like I haven't felt in years... I may be making rash decisions, and I'll probably get hurt as a result of them, but at least I am making some at last, instead of just letting life pass me by. And I know I'm going about things completely the wrong way, and I need to work on that. Because I am making a mess of things. But sometimes life gets messy.

MJ also had this to say: "I've finally done it! I've turned you into a gay man!"

Caught In A Moment

Sorry to cause any alarm with my last couple of posts. I do totally regret doing back to his place. But, the night itself was ruddy fantastic. I had a ball! That's why I'm kicking myself. If I'd ended the night sooner, it would have ended on a high. Rather than ending with a lot of fuss about my whereabouts and smudged mascara.

And although I do regret going back to his, even that wasn't catastrophic. It was amazing lying in his arms. I was being a saucy little minx and he loved it. The whispering was really intimate. We had a lot of fun, and it was kind of nice that he didn't want me to leave? He knew he wasn't getting any, and he still wanted me to stay.

I felt really awful yesterday, mostly out of guilt and a kind of horror at my own stupidity. I really don't know what's going on with Alfie or what will happen next. I'll see him next weekend at the Christmas party. He was texting me yesterday. He's split with "Sarah". He said I should leave the Boyf (but not for him.) I really don't know what I want any more. I'm kind of besotted with Alfie against all reason. The more I get to know him... it's not that I don't like what I get to know, but I can't help comparing him to the Boyf. And the Boyf wins out on everything. So why am I still hooked on Alfie? It's like I'm on some self destructive mission or something. This cannot end happily. Can it?

Love Fool

We met for drinks. He was waiting for me outside the bar when I arrived. I was five minutes late. Or eight minutes, according to him. He tapped his watch as I approached him. I laughed and kissed him on the cheek. We went inside and I bought him a sangria for making him wait, but then he wouldn't let me pay for anything else. (Points!) I went totally prepared to go Dutch though.

So. We chatted for a bit and it was going pretty well. He told me about his new job, and the lack of hotties. His best friend called him, and he talked about me. He told him that he'd have to go because he was with a hot lady who was checking him out and he was being rude. He asked me where I was 'officially'. I told him my (as it turned out, rubbish) cover story. I asked him where he was officially. He said, here. I asked who with. He said, "you... or, 'a girl I used to work with'."

We moved on to a bar of his choice - his usual haunt. There was a queue outside. He walked to the front and we got straight in. A girl started to complain in the queue. The bouncer told her we were members. He knows everyone there. It sounds so school-girlish, but I felt kind of good that he took me there as his date so openly. We had a drink at the bar and then he got us a table and a bottle of wine, to usher in a new depth of drunkenness. And, correspondingly, flirtation. And a lot of giggling.

At midnight we went downstairs into the club. We had a few dances and a few more drinks. Then my sister text me asking if I still wanted a lift. I text her back and told her I'd get a taxi since it was getting late. Alfie took the phone from me and sent her a message saying he'd look after me and put me in a taxi. My sister sent him some funny messages telling him to take care of me cos I'm extra special and to watch his hands. And telling him that he was a PLAYER. She referred to him as bro.

Then Alfie asked me back to his place. I said no. He said nothing would happen, we'd just have kisses. I said no. He said he'd call me a taxi from his house. I said I needed to go home. We left the club and started walking towards his place, trying to flag down a taxi. We walked together arm in arm, laughing and talking. It was easy. I paid for a taxi to his and he invited me inside. We stumbled in (I'm really drunk at this stage) through the door and up the stairs to his bedroom in the attic. He put on the Paolo Nutini CD and unbuttoned his shirt.

We had some kisses and rolled around on his bed for a bit. We whispered things to each other. I teased him. He did a lot of hair pulling, which was weird. Then I said I'd better go. He pointed out that it was half past five in the morning. He asked me to stay until seven and he'd drive me home. He pulled me close to him and put his arms around me. We fell asleep.

I woke up with a start at about eight fifteen. My first thought? Oh, shit. I hid my head under the covers for a second. Then I jumped up, checked my phone. 25 missed calls. 5 text messages. 3 voicemails.

Alfie took me home.

Should not have gone back to his place.

Wrecking Ball

Ohhhhhhkay. Last night I had a date with Alfie. We got really drunk. Strike that. He got me really drunk. Today, I have a wine hangover. And a life hangover.

Yesterday, I was going crazy with nerves about the date. Today, he's a normal man again. I don't know what it is. Something about seeing a guy in just his socks really makes you realise he's only human.

Last night I met a local celebrity, who told me that Alfie was a great guy. And I felt like I was with one. I'd been quite calm getting ready for the date. Except that I came on my period and woke up with an outcrop of spots inhabiting my chin. Perfect timing.

What I've learned from this experience? Alcohol and poor judgement really do go hand in hand! And, always have an alibi in place before your boyfriend wakes up your entire family because you haven't come home yet! My mother knows. My mother! (My sister is a big grass!)

Yes, I stayed at his place. But that didn't happen. We just fooled around. Then I asked him to call me a taxi. But he put his arms around me and asked me to stay. I fell asleep with him holding me and telling me my body was amazing.

(Why do things seem perfectly reasonable when you're drunk? I told him I didn't want to stay over because I hated the thought of going home in the same clothes the next morning and he was like "I'll lend you a t-shirt." As if I could go home wearing another man's t-shirt, but it seemed perfectly plausible at the time. I'm telling you kids, alcohol is wicked. In the bad sense of the word.)

But this morning, everything looked different. Seedy. I'll never do it again.

Overload

Oh my goodness. He's just asked me when I'm free again and I have no fucking idea what to suggest doing. What the fuck am I gonna talk to him about if we're on our own?? Shit. Why didn't I prepare myself for this question properly last time he asked?

I say he asked. I had to fucking extract it with a pair of gold plated tweezers. (I don't know why gold plated.) He suggested a half hour fumble at my work place tomorrow but I'm not there, so I was like, when are you available for non-work groping?

SAD!

Girls. And boys. I need help.