Cheerleader

This morning on my way to work, I had a lovely surprise in that I bumped into my friend, 'Muffin, who was on his way to sort some uni stuff, and kitted out in his sportswear. As if I needed another reason to love this man, here is an email he sent me shortly afterwards, reprinted here with kind permission from the author:

From: 'Muffin
To: Chica
Sent: Mon 05/03/2007 09:04
Subject: Lovin' the outfit

Hi hun,

Just wanted to say I’m loving the leggings and boots!

What do you think of the tracksuit then? Do I

a) Look like a muscle bound sports freak, with rippling biceps and a body to die for?

Or

b) A forty-five year old failed football manager of a struggling Sunday league team?


In fact, don’t answer that lol

Hope you have a great day

Xx

You need things like that of a Monday morning!

Gag Me With A Spoon

Having spies has its drawbacks. Regardez this email from Alfie to 'Muffin.

Hi Mate,
all is well here too.
Been seeing the same girl i told you about a while back.
Met her at the beginning of December and were offically going out now.
She is the hottest girl ive ever been out with i think. So thats a good sign. Been seeing quite a bit of eachother.
I am very proud of the jumper purchase young jedi, you have good potential.

I'll leave you to imagine my mood right now, but I'll give you a clue; it's somewhere between hysterical and total humiliation.

Fuck. Me.

Riding in Cars with Boys

I have the house to myself tonight. At first I was going to call one of the girls and get them over, but then I reconsidered in favour of some me time. I cooked, while listening to Patsy Cline and The Rat Pack. Later, I will watch Big Brother. If I had Doritos, they too would be involved in the plan.

This morning, I got up, went downstairs and put on some tea. I went into the conservatory and moved a photo album to sit down. My niece had been flipping through it the night before while we had our hair cut. (We have family sessions with a stylist who is friends with my sister.) I turned to the pictures at the back of the album while the kettle boiled. Alfie. I had already begun to think about the fact that it had been a month since I heard from him, and that I was going to have to emerge from beneath his spell. I kind of gave myself until today to stop wallowing, since it was meant to be the night out with 'Muffin and I thought it would be an appropriate bookend to the whole thing. I looked at a picture of Alfie and thought... well, you weren't what I expected you to be.

I finished making my tea and took it upstairs. I set up my laptop and checked my emails, including my work emails out of habit. A few times I have caught myself thinking: please, please, please while doing this. (Hey, I'm not proud of the fact!) But not this morning. And then, before I knew it, I was opening a message from Alfie: "Hello there, it's been a bit quiet from you lately. How's tricks?" he sent it around 9 in the morning. I waited until around lunch time to reply. This gave me plenty of time to text my sister and freak out. She offered me some firm advice: email him back but don't be over friendly and don't mention his birthday x let's know x

Anyway, in short, we had a tiny bit of banter, then he said he was off to lunch and told me to have a nice weekend and tell the sis the clit tease says yo. He has a real way with words :P The highlight of the emails was probably when I asked him how he was settling into his new workplace:

Chica: Walking round like you own the joint by now then yeah? ;)
Alfie: What dya mean, "like i own the joint". I do ;-) Alfie is in town

I've not let myself get too excited about it, but I am pleased he got in touch and it wasn't awkward. I think this makes it acceptable for me to text him sometime, maybe just forward a joke on to him or something, to keep the lines of communication open. Not with any goal in sight, but just because I like him and would like to try and be normal around him and treat him like my other male friends if possible. I was thinking the other day about how crazy I let myself get over him and how a lot of it was really unnecessary. If I text Mybug and he doesn't reply, it doesn't bother me in the least. I don't have a crisis and think he hates me. But I totally over analyse everything with Alfie, and it has to stop if I want any kind of shot at getting through this without a broken heart and/or a restraining order. Even if I never hear from him again, I think I've come off quite good. I held out for ages and didn't contact him; he contacted me; I was friendly but not overly flirty; a kind of friendly stalemate has been resumed. Now, if I bump into him I won't be thinking: oh my god I want to die this is the guy who rejected me, and he won't be thinking, oh fuck how awkward.

I'm sure this isn't the last loop of the roller coaster, but for now I'm quite content with things. My sister popped in before Dedalus picked me up and couldn't stop laughing at me. She kept saying: look at your face, you're smiling now!

Oh, Dedalus is another matter. Bobby was excellent, the ending was particularly well done, and the approach was really interesting and not at all what I expected. After the film, Dedalus gave me a ride home because we went to a cinema close to where I live. Since there was nobody home, I invited him in for a cuppa. And he freaked out. It was like he panicked, eventually declining the offer. Then he started to explain why and cut himself short and said to leave it. I was like, "Erm... okay." I was offering the guy tea not permission to ransack my body. He asked what my plans were for the weekend so I gave him a brief overview and then we said goodbye.

I let myself in and had a little chat with 'Muffin on MSN. Then the phone rang. It was Dedalus, apologising for not coming in. I told him not to worry and that I wasn't offended. He said he wished he had. I was like, "Well... no worries. I just thought we could have a chat 'cos we didn't get much chance to while we were watching the film." He agreed, then started going on about how he likes me, and even though he said it was his exes fault we'd stopped talking, it was also because he liked me and I was always with the Boyf. I said, "And I still am." He said things hadn't changed for him. I said, "Well it was all a long time ago." He repeated that things hadn't changed for him! I said, "It was two years ago! This is really hard to talk about not in person." He agreed. He asked if he could see me over the weekend, and I said I wasn't sure of my plans but I'd let him know if I was in town and we could meet up if he was free. We stumbled over a couple more niceties and hung up. He's text me since. I really wish he wouldn't force this issue because I really want to be friends but if he's going to be saying stuff like that I'm not sure we can. Plus, this totally smacks of rebound to me.

In the words of Avril Lavigne: why d'you have to go and make things so complicated?

You Prob'ly Think This Blog Is About You

Oh my God. I almost didn't post this because I am so embarrassed. But then I realised how shameful all the stuff I've already written is and thought meh, why not? It's not like I have any credibility to salvage at this point.

Today at work, the woman I like to compare to Pete Burns was in for the first time since the Christmas party. I knew if I was going to get any shit about Alfie, it would be from her. But I wasn't quite prepared for the total fabrication she threw in my face when she said, loudly, and in front of everyone, "So, I hear (Alfie) had his hand up your skirt the other night?"

I was mortified. For starters: he so didn't! The most he did was grab my arse. When I denied it she flatly refused to believe me and accused me of going red. She said somebody from another department told her and said: "You do fancy him though don't you? It's well known." I denied this also and asked: have you seen my boyfriend? She agreed he was ten times better looking than Alfie, who she described as a prick. She asked if we snogged and I said "No, and you can ask Lila because she was with us all night." Burnsy asked if we had a threesome.

Oh my God I can't believe they are making shit like that up. I look like a ho :( The thing is, we didn't even snog that night! I kept turning him down! And now this?

I quickly grabbed the 'Muffin for crisis talks. He was appalled on my behalf and said he would try and find out who was saying it. And he reckoned there was no way anyone knew I fancied him from anything but the way we were flirting that night, so it couldn't be 'well known.'

Mortified.

In other news, we have been emailing each other all day. All day. I got the first email at half eight and the last at 4:59. There was a lot so I won't post them all again as I have had a habit of doing lately, sorry. But, here is something that made me laugh.

From: Alfie
Sent: 20 December 2006 08:30
To: Chica
Subject: RE: hello

second week of jan. Gutted!!!

From: Chica
Sent: 20 December 2006 08:59
To: Alfie
Subject: RE: hello

MUAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

Stick that in your cravat and smoke it!

Merry Christmas by the way x

From: Alfie
Sent: 20 December 2006 09:11
To: Chica
Subject: RE: hello

that was the evilest laugh i have ever seen written down.

in fact, quite disturbing

I teased him about being really vain and agreed to hide the awful picture of him so that only my Flickr contacts can see it. Half of the emails are us sending lyrics from Carly Simon's You're So Vain to each other. Funnily enough, he liked the bit about all the girls dreaming they were his partner. He also said he is going to try and rent Alfie tonight because he can't remember how it ends.

I know I'm still rattling on about him but I feel a lot less under the spell funnily enough. I still think about him all the time, but right now I don't feel like I could give the Boyf up for him. I guess my feelings are still confused, but Saturday did effect me a lot and I saw a glimpse of the negative side to being with him. I still really like him, obviously, or I wouldn't be writing these kinds of posts and the emails from him wouldn't make me this happy.

The funny thing about Saturday was that the bit where I shouted at him felt better than the part of the night when we were close. Sure, it was amazing being led away by the hand (I love holding his hand, it gives me a giddy feeling), but when I just got so angry that I didn't care what he thought and gave him a piece of my mind, it was so liberating.

I guess my non-relationships are as screwed up as my actual relationships?

Wild Thing, I Think I Love You

This post is essentially about Alfie but the title refers to the ever rocking Wondy who left this comment on a picture of the man in question on my Flickr: "what the hell is he wearing around his neck? Sausage skin?"

(He wore a scarf in the style of a cravat in a hot club with a white shirt, sleeves rolled up, open collar.)

I am really enjoying the power that comes from possessing a bad photograph of a very vain boy! If you please:

From: Alfie
Sent: 19 December 2006 14:32
To: Chica
Subject: hello

hello

people are still seeing that damned picture of me on your site. Oz just sent me the link. Not impressed Ms (my surname). Are you gonna delete that one. pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaasssseeeeeeeeeee
the other ones are ok. I wont charge you for putting those ones up ;-)

From: Chica
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:09
To: Alfie
Subject: RE: hello

*EVIL LAUGHTER*

Don't worry, I'll set them all to private again soon so only my mates can look and mock.
However if you want to beg some more that would be fine by me.
I left a really awful one off of me and you that 'Muffin took. I do have a heart.

From: Alfie
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:10
To: Chica
Subject: RE: hello

there are no evil ones of us. Theyre all ok. Apart from that awful one at the bottom of the 1st page. GET RID!!!

From: Chica
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:13
To: Alfie
Subject: RE: hello

Revenge is sweet x
I can't delete it. My friend has left a comment on it. That would just be rude :P

From: Alfie
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:14
To: Chica
Subject: RE: hello

what comment has your friend left. and what is this revenge for madam

From: Chica
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:21
To: Alfie
Subject: RE: hello

Haha, you can click on the comment and read it yourself ;) By the way that photo has had 14 views so far :P

From: Alfie
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:22
To: Chica
Subject: RE: hello

gutted. Im goin home...

From: Chica
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:22
To: Alfie
Subject: RE: hello

Aw diddums.

From: Alfie
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:23
To: Chica
Subject: RE: hello

yeah yeah. well ive got flexi. Ha

From: Chica
Sent: 19 December 2006 16:24
To: Alfie
Subject: RE: hello

It's my last day tomorrow until second week of Jan! Bothered?! :P xx

*GIGGLE*

Smooth Operator

So ya know how I left the ball in his court and didn't text back last night?

From: Himself
Sent: Fri 24/11/2006 08:59
To: Chica
Subject:

mornin

im surprised you didnt reply to my last message last night.
I was quite impressed with the comedy.

How chuffed was I?

He also sent his group goodbye email out. Here is my bit:

I was workin on the second floor the other day and you were shelving. There was a group of lads checkin you out. Pow. Go get em chick.
Lovin the fashion girl.

And here is 'Muffin's, who got the longest shout out :) :

In Jedi terms – my young padawan learner.

“An apprentice Jedi who undergoes intensive one-on-one training under a Jedi Knight or Master after graduating from the academy.” (wikipedia)

A great lad. Bit quiet really, with some strange habits, such as his home library. But hey, we all have our idiosyncrasies. Like i said to him a while back, Im Michelangelo, he’s my Sistine Chapel. Im sculpting him into a mini me. So with a bit more training, ladies beware!!!

And here is the censored version he just sent me:

Talkin of the email, im just startin on it now. Still dont know what to put for you. Bit awkward cos everyone is gonna read it. So privately I can say to you, maybe one day im gonna fuck you silly. ;-)

Ladies beware indeed!

Closer

As the lovely Heather recently said, Huzzah! The 'z' on my keyboard is acting up.

Well. I have so much to report. I remember back in the day when I could write a whole blog post about Himself maybe saying I had nice hair, or choosing a seat near mine, or laughing at a joke I made, but nowadays, all those little details become lost by the great big stomping fact that: we snogged!

Yeah, boo, hiss, I'm a dirty adulterer. I know all that stuff in my head, I should be made to walk round with a scarlet letter, I know I know I know. But can you all just be like the Samantha friend and not judge me? (Please don't be the Charlotte, I couldn't take the Charlotte!) 'Cos even though I am going to be hit by a big fist of guilt the moment I see my boyfriend, right now I wanna run round with my knickers on my head shouting: whheeeeeeeeee!

If I promise not to judge you, please don't do the knickers thing.

Oh my God. It was a much better encounter than Thursday, when he mauled me. He was still trying to go too far though, the naughty, persistant scamp! But I'm getting ahead of myself. Where to begin?

Okay. This morning I dressed in the stuff I told ya'll about yesterday. Including the new boots. Just before break he came down from his office and gave me the CD he promised to copy for me and we chatted a little bit. On breaks and everything today we have been really chatty with each other, just about regular stuff and it's been great. For example, we were talking about Bond and I said I'm not a fan of the Brosnon because he is smarmy. Himself was dismayed and began quizzing me over what movie stars I do like. After first break, he emailed me to say I was looking good, and when I didn't reply straight away he came down from his office to complain I was being 'smug.' I emailed him back and the subject got on to clothes. Cue the cheesy lines from Himself: "that old thing", is figure hugging. Wouldn't mind doing a bit of that myself ;-)

Mid email frenzy, I had to go around the library with a trolley collecting books. He came and found me on the first floor. The aisle I was in had a table of guys who had been checking me out when I walked past them, and while Himself was talking to me I saw him looking at them clocking it. He said he liked my boots and I told him I wasn't sure what I could wear them with and asked his opinion; he said 'nothing'. Then we talked about the Paolo Nutini gig he's going to tonight and I told him I'd have Last Request on repeat while he was enjoying the real thing, with the intention that he'd then think of me when the song played :P Then we both had to get back to work but he walked along with me and my trolley for a bit.

Anyway, back to the emails. We got on to discussing a certain jacket of his that I said reminded me of an old lecturer ('y'know, if he'd been fit and I'd wanted to snog the face off him'), who I said was 'a smarmy Pierce Brosnan type.' (And here's where my tip of the day comes in: if you want to make a guy like you, comparing him to Jude Law seems to do the trick!)

Himself: Like me ;-)
Chica: I’d say you were a bit more Jude Law than Pierce Brosnan… Not sure if you’ll take that as a compliment or not!
H: Jude Law is a legend. But my head would explode if I was to believe that line.
C: I said more so than Pierce, not that you’d be mobbed for autographs in the street :P He could play you in a film though ;) xx
H: Jude Law could play me in a film?
C: Yep. He’d need to work on the accent though…
H: You are fastly becoming my favourite person ever. Although i dont know if my head will fit out of the door now to come to lunch.
C: Although, he has already been in Alfie, so don’t know if he’d want to work on such a similar film??? :P x
H: Alfie. Ha. Shut up x

Banter galore right? Am I right? And nothing is sexier than banter my friends!

Jude knows how to please the ladies.

So, when he came down for lunch, he was dropping all these lines about Jude Law, asking people if they'd seen the film Alfie, singing Hey Jude etc. Me and a woman I work with were in agreement that Jude Law, though pretty, quite obviously loves himself and therefore loses points with us :P Then we were talking about his new job and Himself asked me directly, in front of people, if I thought he'd be able to just get an assistant sent up to his office for him at his new place. Then Nutter was flicking through a kids biology book and Himself was going on about how interesting he found the body and giving me that really sexy look again.

How I love that sexy look!

So. After lunch Himself was texting and emailing to try and get me to meet him for a 'stairwell rendezvous' but I was busy until about half two. I was meant to be tidying shelves so I told Shelverboy that if anyone was looking for me he should say I was helping a student, and walked past Himself's office and started going up to the third floor. When I got to the second floor, Himself came onto the stairwell below me. We were laughing and teasing each other; I'd already told him I was gonna let him know his boundaries and he was saying, "No boundaries, we hate boundaries."

Once we were in our 'spec', he pressed up against me and started rubbing his face against mine and running his hands over my thighs. Our legs were entwined. I decided to make the most of it and not to lose my bottle this time since I was basically at the point of no return anyway.

I put my arms around him under his jacket and tilted my mouth towards his. We started to kiss each other hesitantly at first and he slipped his hands under my skirt. I moved his hands away every time he did it and each time he'd stop kissing me. "Chill out," he said, and then, when he wasn't getting his way, "You're not gonna chill out are you?" I told him to behave and pulled him back towards me, kissing him. I was stroking his face and chest and kissing his neck. He was still trying to get under my skirt! I grabbed his arse and pulled him towards me. I could feel that he was hard and then he started to grind against me. He had me up against this metal door and it was making loads of noise. Then I spotted a student coming up the stairs and we had to prise ourselves apart.

We talked for a minute. He berated me for stopping him. I told him I had to stop him because I knew I'd be getting a text in twenty minutes or five seconds saying he regretted it. He said he wouldn't text me that tonight. He asked me what I was thinking. I said, "I can't believe I'm snogging (his real name) on the third floor." I asked what he was thinking. He said "I'm thinking I want you naked." We started to fool around again but we were both getting a bit jumpy. "We're going to get caught aren't we?" I said. Neither of us had any feasible excuse for being up there. "Let's go," I said, and we headed back downstairs. On the first floor, he ducked into the fire refuge and kissed me again. Then we headed out onto the first floor and pretended to have a conversation about something I'd showed him and how he should always contact me and I'd show him how it's done. He said he needed my help to find out what's under my tights. Then I went back to my books and had a surprisingly normal conversation with Shelverboy, who really needs a better nickname.

Fuck, this is a really long post, sorry!

Onto the final chapter now. Himself and I managed to be normal around each other at break. We talked about movies with everyone. Then I emailed him: Your moves have improved Alfie, I'm having a good effect on you already! ;P xx

Himself: My moves have improved. Which moves in particular
Chica: The few I've seen.
H: I havent even started. When I start, there can be no boundaries
C: There are those promises again ;)
H: Well you only find out when you stop with the boundaries
C: Maybe you need to try harder to break them down? ;) x
H: It's quite hard to when my hand gets yanked away, almost rupturing tendons!!!
C: Two rendezvous does not equal access all areas. This is one place where knowing all the right people won't get you in!
H: Why not??? So what do I have to do then?
C: Because I'm not that kind of girl! No, really :P *sigh* Alfie would know...
H: Alfie doesn’t care. Alfie needs to break down those barriers x

During this, he kept having to nip downstairs to deal with people at the computing desk, and he kept saying things as he ran past. I complained that he'd mauled me last week, and he said that he hadn't even started. He looked all flushed and excited and happy, and I'm betting so did I.

Now I dont see him for two days, and then I have one more day with him.

I'm thinking the only way to go from here is down, right? But: I got to snog him! Huzzah!

Hit Me Baby One More Time

Hey, guess what? I found the harm in dirty emails. It lies just after him calling your bluff, and just before the texts saying he regrets it all! Read it from the bottom, up. And just so you know, I still haven't even kissed him.

From: Himself
Sent: 16 November 2006 16:53
To: Chica
Subject: RE:

2 minutes time.
yes or no

From: Chica
Sent: 16 November 2006 16:53
To: Himself
Subject: RE:

don't be calling my bluff (his real, full name)!

From: Himself
Sent: 16 November 2006 16:51
To: Chica
Subject: RE:

so i'll see you in 2 minutes then

From: Chica
Sent: 16 November 2006 16:50
To: Himself
Subject: RE:

it's always quiet in the xxxxxxxxx end stairwell. it's also the warmest place in the building ;) x

From: Himself
Sent: 16 November 2006 16:48
To: Chica
Subject: RE:

really. Well i believe its pretty quiet in the xxxxxxxxx end stairwell right now :-)

From: Chica
Sent: 16 November 2006 16:47
To: Himself
Subject: RE:

well, if you really wanna know, get your kit off i'll be down in 2 minutes x

;)

It wouldn't happen like that, it would all happen at once, I would be doing things to you before you even had your clothes off xx

From: Himself
Sent: 16 November 2006 16:43
To: Chica
Subject: RE:

well yes, she probably would have.
but, that wasnt the question.
I asked, what comes next.

The clothes are off. Now what???

From: Chica
Sent: 16 November 2006 16:42
To: Himself
Subject: RE:

Well if I'd have done it Tuesday night I think (old lady) might have had something to say.

From: Himself
Sent: 16 November 2006 16:39
To: Chica
Subject:

so out of interest then, what happens after you have ripped my clothes off

Speechless

From: Himself
To: Chica
Subject: RE:
Sent: Mon 13/11/2006 15:48

youd like to see me try and ruin you?
Girl it would be easy.
I know id have you melting. And you know it too.

PS i know that you would like to see me try