Underneath It All

Another Alfie sighting to report. The bugger came into my work again, just before five. He looked much better than he did last Friday. I'd been working upstairs and came down to report to my supervisor, Nutter, and Alfie was standing there chatting with her. "Hiya, you all right?" I said, and handed Nutter a slip of paper, as she voiced possibly the worst question she could have done at that moment: "So have you got a girl yet, Alfie?"

Any ability I had to muster a conversation piece or simple pleasantry went straight out the window - I kept walking. I heard him laugh and joke "three." I walked towards Lila, who was laughing at me. "Don't say a word, Lila, don't even look at me!" I joked. Then I sort of floundered, not knowing what direction to take or what the blazes I'd been about to do. I took a very strangled route to the staff room whilst deciding, and heard hurried footsteps behind me. I heard my name and turned, and there was the mighty 'Muffin running towards me. "I know, I've seen him." I answered before he said anything. The gorgeous little bunny had been searching the building for me to warn me before I came down! (He rocks.)

I got my coat and went to clock out and heard Alfie saying goodbye to everyone. 'Muffin reports that when he came in he was like: "Look who's here! Alfie's in the house!" and everyone just looked at him. He also had the audacity to criticise what 'Muffin was wearing - like he has any right to talk after Friday's Eldorado effort!

So, on my way out 'Muffin is counselling me and who walks past again but Alfie. I had to walk out of the building behind him. I've got to give it to him, his arse looks great in jeans. And from the back you can't see the forehead, ha! Outside the doors, he stopped to say hello to someone and noticed me. I didn't make eye contact and headed for the crossing. He crossed in the middle of the road, but was parked right behind Boyf, who'd come to pick me up from work.

I got in the car and Boyf said: "Is that (Alfie's real name)? He looks like a tosser. He looked at me so I just stared at him." Then he ranted about what an idiot he was for about twenty minutes, suggesting we go out with 'Muffin and 'bump' into Alfie so that he could take him down a peg or two. Lord.

Anyways, my sister's diagnosis is this: what a plonker, he sounds very lonely to me. And when I think about it, Alfie is always surrounded by people, but they're acquaintances, not good friends. He puts on such a front that nobody really knows him. Everything about him is overstated and flash - there's no substance, nothing real. When you start getting close to him, you can practically see the force field coming up, the bullshit becomes more obvious, the standard lines he uses to deflect questions that might delve deeper than the surface image he projects. And that's really sad, for him.

He confounds me. Afterwards, I started thinking about all the things I should have said again, but then I thought: no, this is my workplace now, not his. Why is it up to me to make things less awkward? It was him that messed me about, I put all my cards on the table. So if anyone has amends to make, it's him.

He never will of course, his ego will just gloss over all that and put my sudden nonchalance down to bitterness. I may be gutted that things didn't work out, but I'm not bitter about it. Last week, I told 'Muffin and my sister that despite how things turned out, I would do it all again. Yes, I have my regrets. Lying in the arms of the man of my dreams, stroking his hair and listening to him telling me my body is amazing while I fall asleep? Worth it. Sorry, but worth it.

If you were crazy about someone, and a Fairy Godmother came and said, you can only have one night, one night to be close to them, in the morning they will forget, but you will always have the memory... what would you do? And I'm not talking one-night stands, and I'm not necessarily talking sex, because that's not what happened.

I posed that question to Mybug and his answer was this: I wouldn't choose the girl I love. I wouldn't ask for that bridge to throw myself off. Memories are the bricks of personality. Know what I'm saying?

And you are...?

I was running late for work this morning, but for some reason I took the time to change my clothes about three times and fiddle with my hair for fifteen minutes. I decided that I wanted to make an effort and try and feel good about myself. I faffed about with my outfit and my hair until I looked half decent, and even put on gorgeous tan-coloured knee length boots I got for Christmas with a matching belt. The heels on them are really high so this is not normal work wear. They are killing me as we speak.

The first job I was on was a really boring one, so I smuggled my phone with me. Now, whether to text Alfie or not has been an idea I've been toying with recently, often culminating in red flashing lights, warning signs and all my friends collectively yelling nooooo in my ear with a megaphone. But I didn't want to text him as part of a route to anything: this is not Operation Bridget Jones revisited. I just don't like when things are left on a bad note and I wanted him to know that there aren't any hard feelings, whether he cares or not.

Anyways. I got lots of compliments in work on my outfit. While I was on the boring job Shelverboy came and chatted to me for a bit; he asked me if I'd changed my hair because I looked really different and he hardly recognised me. I told him I'd clipped my fringe back but didn't think that alone could render me unrecognisable. He said it looked nice, then started moaning about his girlfriend. Spontaneously, I took my phone out of my pocket and forwarded a willy joke on to Alfie, thinking (almost) nothing of it. Don't look at me like who are you kidding, I said almost.

After the job was over, about twenty five minutes later, I went downstairs to the office and told my supervisor of my progress. On the job, not Alfie. I'm not that bad. He didn't hear me properly at first, so I had to repeat the class number a couple of times, and someone kept asking him for the number to my right. I didn't register it because I was thinking about my next task, but then the voice moved closer and when I turned he was looking at me. Alfie. He'd been waiting for me to notice him.

My first instinct was to throw up a little bit, but I repressed it. I don't think I looked that pleased to see him. I said 'hi' and laughed and ran walked away. My skin immediately went hot and I was instantly nervous. When I went on the counter my hands were shaking while I was serving people. Lila and 'Muffin were looking at me and giggling together at reception, so I went over to see what was so funny. Lila had the idea in her head that I knew Alfie would be dropping in and that we had enjoyed some sort of secret rendezvous because I was dressed up and smiley! 'Muffin was like: "No, she'd never betray me so!"

Although I am happy to provide amusement for my work mates, oh my God it was so excruciating. I didn't really see him that much, he just asked how I was and stuff. He was here to pick up some books. I tried to be relatively cool and kept my distance, but I did lose all ability to operate the cash register.

How delighted am I that I wore the boots and made an effort though? Someone was watching over me while I was getting dressed this morning! Um, I mean that in a totally non-pervy way...

Even though I freaked out momentarily and was admittedly in a total state, I think I'm kind of okay. It didn't seem like he was the same guy I've been stressing over so much and writing about. And there wasn't as much of an oh my God I've been underneath you feeling as I expected.

Ladies and gentlemen: Alfie has left the building.

You Prob'ly Think This Blog Is About You

Oh my God. I almost didn't post this because I am so embarrassed. But then I realised how shameful all the stuff I've already written is and thought meh, why not? It's not like I have any credibility to salvage at this point.

Today at work, the woman I like to compare to Pete Burns was in for the first time since the Christmas party. I knew if I was going to get any shit about Alfie, it would be from her. But I wasn't quite prepared for the total fabrication she threw in my face when she said, loudly, and in front of everyone, "So, I hear (Alfie) had his hand up your skirt the other night?"

I was mortified. For starters: he so didn't! The most he did was grab my arse. When I denied it she flatly refused to believe me and accused me of going red. She said somebody from another department told her and said: "You do fancy him though don't you? It's well known." I denied this also and asked: have you seen my boyfriend? She agreed he was ten times better looking than Alfie, who she described as a prick. She asked if we snogged and I said "No, and you can ask Lila because she was with us all night." Burnsy asked if we had a threesome.

Oh my God I can't believe they are making shit like that up. I look like a ho :( The thing is, we didn't even snog that night! I kept turning him down! And now this?

I quickly grabbed the 'Muffin for crisis talks. He was appalled on my behalf and said he would try and find out who was saying it. And he reckoned there was no way anyone knew I fancied him from anything but the way we were flirting that night, so it couldn't be 'well known.'

Mortified.

In other news, we have been emailing each other all day. All day. I got the first email at half eight and the last at 4:59. There was a lot so I won't post them all again as I have had a habit of doing lately, sorry. But, here is something that made me laugh.

From: Alfie
Sent: 20 December 2006 08:30
To: Chica
Subject: RE: hello

second week of jan. Gutted!!!

From: Chica
Sent: 20 December 2006 08:59
To: Alfie
Subject: RE: hello

MUAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

Stick that in your cravat and smoke it!

Merry Christmas by the way x

From: Alfie
Sent: 20 December 2006 09:11
To: Chica
Subject: RE: hello

that was the evilest laugh i have ever seen written down.

in fact, quite disturbing

I teased him about being really vain and agreed to hide the awful picture of him so that only my Flickr contacts can see it. Half of the emails are us sending lyrics from Carly Simon's You're So Vain to each other. Funnily enough, he liked the bit about all the girls dreaming they were his partner. He also said he is going to try and rent Alfie tonight because he can't remember how it ends.

I know I'm still rattling on about him but I feel a lot less under the spell funnily enough. I still think about him all the time, but right now I don't feel like I could give the Boyf up for him. I guess my feelings are still confused, but Saturday did effect me a lot and I saw a glimpse of the negative side to being with him. I still really like him, obviously, or I wouldn't be writing these kinds of posts and the emails from him wouldn't make me this happy.

The funny thing about Saturday was that the bit where I shouted at him felt better than the part of the night when we were close. Sure, it was amazing being led away by the hand (I love holding his hand, it gives me a giddy feeling), but when I just got so angry that I didn't care what he thought and gave him a piece of my mind, it was so liberating.

I guess my non-relationships are as screwed up as my actual relationships?

More Chaste Less Speed

Fuck, I am still going over last night in my head. Got a text from him today saying hello and we've been texting each other flirty things. I reminded him he said he'd take me home and 'ruin' me last night and he was mortified. God, I love being the sober one. Crazy about tomorrow, not sure how to play it, am thinking I'll take my lead from him. If he ignores me I will curl up in a ball and die - a bit like a hedgehog on a motorway. If he flirts with me I'll drift off to heaven on a little cloud, but with a tight knot of butterflies in my stomach. Butterflies? I feel like I've swallowed an effing bowling ball.

Sweet Jesus I have got to get a grip. Just when I was getting a bit back to normal I get a taste of it and it sends me back into a spin! Well, I knew the night out would send me into one extreme or another. I suppose this is the better extreme.

I actually can't wait to go to work. He's doing wonders for my productivity.

Oh, did I mention Lila saw him kissing my neck? Might be a hard one to explain in work tomorrow. On the plus side, he had me pressed against a wall and I was laughing and then she saw me push him away, so I might be able to fob it off.

I kind of hope I haven't missed my chance to grab him; I was really very chaste last night.

Ahem.

Cold Front

I'm sitting at an information point huddled into my coat because my work building is effing freezing. The air conditioning is ridiculous today and I've got my little sexy cafe latte ruche top on (order arrived) because normally downstairs is hot as Hell.

I've got the lurgi and I want to be at home underneath my duvet drinking hot chocolate and reading Spivak. Oh, okay, and watching Sex and the City. Or snuggling up with the Boyf who is still warm in my bed. Or even the dog.

Had many dreams about work last night, including ones about Himself (not those kinds of dreams though - dreams about him reading out his CV and talking in the stairwells on his phone, of course.) I don't know if it's because I feel pants and can't be bothered with it but today I am feeling a bit disillusioned with my crush. Not him, just it, it's so annoying feeling like this all the time. And I should really be putting this energy to better use. But I figure I might feel differently when I'm healthy again and at least there's an end in sight - he leaves soon and maybe I'll stop being so silly. Silly is fun sometimes though :)

Love Muscle Russell

God, this morning seems like a long time ago! It's lucky I've got numerous emails to Guillermo and texts to my sis to work from!

So, you'll all remember that I got Himself's phone number from Heidi. What she didn't tell me was that she'd text him and asked if it was okay after she'd give me it! Today, I spoke to Himself first thing and he didn't let on about it. But he came and found me and Studmuffin while we were shelving books and teased us about being 'the happy couple.' When we both protested, he stroked my arm, apologised and said to 'Muffin: "Come on, Chica's a pretty girl." Then he said: Heidi text me and asked if it was okay that she's given you my number... I was like, what? no, fuck off!

There followed an exchange I can't remember. I think I maybe blacked out because whatever awkward response I managed to make to this has been wiped from my brain. I'm pretty sure it involved a lot of nervous laughter from me and the 'Muffin. At some point I managed a feeble 'It's okay I won't use it.' He said: oh no, use it, get drunk and send me pictures.

Then we talked about Heidi and how she'd just blatantly asked to watch them get dressed, and how she was all over one of the guys we work with. Himself said he liked her and I agreed: 'she's great; she's very upfront. I need lessons from her.'

When he left, 'Muffin and I discussed how to stop everyone from gossiping about us, 'cos everyone in work, ironically enough, think that we're at it! This came up at break again with Himself, who accused us of always being together. I said that everyone must just be jealous of all the time we spend together because really they wanted 'Muffin for themselves. Himself said: but obviously I'd be fancying you, not him. There were loads of other little flirty bits but I can't bloody remember them all! He was asking about my dress again, and wanted to see a picture, but I don't have one on my phone.

We also had some banter with me bravely stopping him as he walked past to tell him his outfit was a bit Russell Brand. He was indignant and demanded to know what was Brandish about it. I told him it was the floppy collar and the black scarf, which he took off immediately. We were standing pretty close. "I can't believe you said that, I hate Russell Brand, he's a wanker," he complained. I laughed and said sorry and he play-shoved me as I walked away!

Ah, it was a beautiful moment.

So, even though it's all a bit clumsy, I'm at least getting to know him a bit better! I think I need to do some damage control though over the me and 'Muffin rumours. Although, if they're busy talking about that, maybe they won't notice me drooling all over Himself!

The Girl Can't Help It

Okay, there's more. It's been a productive day.

At lunch, 'Muffin and I went shopping to pick Heidi some leaving presents up. Let me now just declare my undying love for Heidi, and later you'll see why. Upon returning, Heidi was in the Staff Room with Himself, so it was just the four of us, and we got to talking about the night out. I can't remember particulars, but Himself and I had a bit of banter going on, largely over style tips for 'Muffin. Heidi said she liked one of Himself's friends, and I asked what he was like.

Himself: He's ripped. He's really good looking. Imagine my personality...
Chica: ...but he's good looking to make up for it? ;)

I love teasing him, he does this great smile. But then 'Muffin was being way over the top obvious, saying things like: "Heidi can have him and Chica can have you then." The following exchange was even more horrifying, but luckily P.Diddy was there to laugh with and take the mortification away.

'Muffin: Well, give us an example of your chat up techniques, work your magic on Chica.
Himself: Chica's got a boyfriend!
'Muffin: Well, hypothetically...
Himself: ...no, I can't just do it here!
Chica: *dying*

But the reason I love Heidi so much is because she is an unashamed, unabashed flirt and she manhandles all the guys at work. She came straight out and asked if we could go to Himself's house and watch them all get changed - he said yes by the way - and get ready there (so not happening!) When I told her I fancied Himself, she replied with such great nonchalance 'Who wouldn't?' and gave me his number. And she almost got us an invite to stay at Himself's on the night out, except I immediately offered our spare room for Heidi (I can't handle such proximity) and he reconsidered and said that the Boyf and Sarah prob wouldn't be too happy if I stayed over. He didn't mention anything about Heidi staying over though? Hmmm.

Later, as he walked past the counter, we resumed the outfit conversation. I asked on the appropriateness of dresses, because we were both planning to wear them, and described Heidi's prom dress affair.

Himself: Yeah, the girls wear dresses, you can get as dressed up as you like where I go, you won't look overdressed. I suppose some girls wear quite slutty dresses...
Chica: So cleavage is okay yeah?
Himself: *looking suitably surprised* I can't WAIT to see what you're gonna wear!

His number is on my phone. Obviously I can't use it. But fuck.

Charm Offensive

Chica: You've got a spring in your step today!
'Muffin: I have!
Chica: I think I've got a spring in my knickers.
'Muffin: I'd have thought it was more of a torrent.

Crude, but funny.

'Muffin was a little ray of sunshine today, and I have to say I now measure a true friendship by the lengths to which someone will go so that you can perv on the object of your affection! He ran down from the second floor to let me know that Himself had come in to work the afternoon, told me I looked lovely when I was standing next to him, made Himself stand up and give us a twirl in his v. expensive outfit (£300 pound on the shoes alone!) - enabling much ogling from me - and stood chatting so that I could get a final glance of his sexy bum before the drought of the weekend. He actually said: "Turn round this way so you can get a look at him!"

This man understands me.

Discussing 'Muffin's belly - which he describes as podgy - in the Staff Room, I told him he was more self conscious than he needed to be, and Himself made him stand up and told him to lift up his top. 'Muffin objected, and was on his way out when Himself looked at me and with a cheeky grin said "[My real name,] lift up your top!" 'Muffin pretended he was suddenly interested and ran back in the room. I think I actually managed not to blush, but it was hardly a charm offensive eh!

Would Like To Meet

Okay. Today in the Staff Room, during a conversation with Crunchie and Studmuffin, a challenge was born. Due to Crunchie's desire for free piano lessons, Studmuffin's ability to offer them, and Crunchie's expertise in the area of shopping, for the price of five piano lessons Crunchie is going to 'funk up' the 'Muffin, take him out on the town, and get him a girl. Rather an elaborate plan for a Saturday night clinch on the dancefloor I feel, but still gloriously entertaining. Hopefully there will be a video diary of upcoming events for me to share with you. (And I'm not even kidding!)

Deadline for this transformation of my beloved 'Muffin is the end of the month, the Saturday after pay day. Until then 'Muffin has been set homework such as discovering a style he'd be comfortable with on Zara.com, Crunchie's favourite shop. I have reserved the power of veto on the final outfit, and 'Muffin is begging me to go on the night out with him for moral support. Bless him!

Crunchie is newly single so I think he is enjoying the prospect of a new project. I'll keep you posted!

I love a good Before and After!

LibrarySex/PublicToiletSounds

Obviously I have reached the pinnacle of my career when among my many jobs of the day I find myself cleaning public keyboards with foam and tissue paper, and stacking cardboard boxes neatly under a table, only for them all to be thrown out the next day, and should be grateful to have reached such dizzy heights. However, I'm rather jealous that I'm stuck doing such mundane - but obviously dazzlingly significant - work while some people are nobbling each other in the disabled toilets. I mean, is it fair?

Sassy got the shock of her life today when she discovered two students 'at it' in the loos. Her verdict: nice bum on the bloke, good wax job on the girl. They certainly weren't shy.

Ew.

Let Them Eat Cake

I don't know if you may have gathered this about me already, but I am a firm supporter and believer in cake. During my holiday in France, for example, I scoffed quite a few chocolate eclairs and a very yummy coconut affair in this sweet little tea salon.

So, upon my return to England and the drudgery of work, I decided to share my passion and transport a chocolate cake back from the shores of France to the Hellmouth. We have one of those handy little fridges you can run off a cigarette lighter in a car and so we had it running all the way through the journey and all through the night in our hotel room in Ouistreham. And let me tell you: it's not quiet. The bugger kept me awake all night. But we'd bought some little cakes for Boyf's grandparents and other lovely people too so we thought it was worth it.

Yesterday morning, as I readied myself for work, I took the cake out of the fridge and sticky taped the box shut. I placed it in a shopping bag. Then I went into the hall for my coat, picked up my handbag, and ran for the bus, leaving the cake sitting in the conservatory, waiting to melt.

Ho hum. I rang the Boyf to tell him the news, and asked him to bring it when he picked me up from work so the late night staff could have it. Ever so obligingly, Boyf picked it up from my house and took it to his house, where he placed it safely in the fridge, then immediately forgot about it and picked me up sans cake.

In the end, his mother ate it.

Oh well, at least I remembered to bring in Studmuffin's bottle of plonk today, before she got her mitts on that!

Rat Race

I'M BAAAAAACK.

And in work on my lunch hour, helping all the fresh new (young, nubile) students and feeling quite frisky for it too! Who says my job doesn't have its perks?

Well I can't believe my trip to France is over and it's a Monday just like any other. There are three new starters with us this week and I've already been told off for chatting to one of them, because we wouldn't want them to feel welcome or anything eh? Also got told off for chatting when I asked Helena a work-related question that took less than a minute for her to explain. It's mid September and I feel just like I'm back at school! Next I'll be sent into the naughty corner for chewing gum and kissing boys behind the bikesheds. Sometimes I want to pull Troutface about by her hair and scream - "I'm almost 25!!!!!" Well, 24 and a half.

But I digress. Since I've been back I've been catching up with everyone, unwrapping my new purchases, looking at lots of wedding photos and videos from Yank and Li's wedding, and cracking on with the old family tree. I've also already discovered two more jobs I'm gonna apply for, on my first day back. Tee hee.

Whilst we're on the subject, I'd just like to congratulate Guillermo on his swanky promotion and for purchasing a suit! (Pinstripe!) Now I know I'm getting old. Guillermo's 'The Man' - I never thought I'd see the day!

Now please excuse me, I must get back to catching up on Wondy's adventures and all the celebrity gossip I've missed. I really know the important things in life, me.

Sasperella

A couple of quotes from my day at work.

Child: What's your name?
Sassy: Sassy.
Child: How do you spell that?
Pete Burns: C-O-W.

Sassy, answering the telephone: Hello, I'm a robot, can I help you?

In other news, I've had half of my hair cut off! I still get a shock every time I look in a mirror!

I am also searching for some pretty bikinis, and have e-mailed my tutor!

And Boyf and I have possibly settled on 'summer pecan 4' for the walls of our French bedroom.

Next post: how to... bring lasting peace to Tajikistan.

Drama

So far this week, a student went into a diabetic fit at work and an ambulance was called, a dead body was found underneath the flyover, and there has been a train derailment (in which, very luckily, noone was killed.) Also, one of the cleaners was standing at the end of the library counter talking very loudly on the phone to her husband, sounding very much like she was accusing him of having an affair. What gives me this impression chiefly is that she yelled "Well why don't you want sex anymore?!" All a bit too Eastenders for my liking.

Tonight after a long, boring day at work, I filled out some more job applications. One of them I totally want, the other is a bit dodgy as it involves interviewing violent and/or psychotic criminals. Plus you have to do roleplay in the interview, which would only be okay if I got to play the psycho (terminology I should probably avoid if I want the job :P) Caught bits of TV including Jamie Oliver getting his Special Recognition from the National TV Awards, and good on him too! His dad was there and announced the award, he looked dead chuffed and proud, it brought a tear to my eye! His Fifteen and School Dinners projects are very admirable, and I saw one of his new shows where he drives to Sicily in a camper van and it was cool :) Also watched Lost, and it turns out that Shannon and Boone got jiggy with it in Australia, quelle surprise.

Tomorrow I'm covering Rarebit's late shift, hence the late night post. The dude totally scammed me to do his late and then took the rest of the week off sick, but at least he owes me one. This means that I have to work with the Foot Perv... I never thought I'd regret not owning Doc Martens.

My Boy Lollipop

I just survived two and a half hours on the computer helpdesk with minimal knowledge of computers. Basically, I was an usher, referring people to the other computer assistant and selling them snacks and beverages... oh okay, discs and print credits. I nearly died when I saw it on the timetable, but it actually made the time pass really quickly. This morning I woke up like a bear with a sore head. I hate dark mornings.

EDIT: Chicken Stu, the bloke in charge of the comp desk, nipped out for a ciggy and bought me a drumstick lollipop for my hard work! (I hope I'm still getting paid :P) I'm quite touched! :) Also noticed that I'm back on the comp desk tomorrow though - bracing myself.

In other news, CONGRATS go out to Guillermo, who is now a published author!

Must go clock back in and leave my life at the door! I'll leave you with these memorable quotes:

Weezer, on the result of dyeing her hair brown: "Oh well, it's Halloween soon."

P.Diddy (a colleague), on Mein Kampf: "Do you know what happens? The small man with the black moustache did it."

Boyf, to a man in his fifties getting out of a suped-up car blasting rave music: "Mid-life crisis mate?"

Learning to Juggle

How do people manage to have full time jobs and lives of their own? I mean, really, it's my niece Pebbles' 18th birthday on Friday, and I haven't shopped. I'm going away Saturday morning, and I haven't shopped. Nor will I start packing until Thursday night (maybe), I have two jobs to apply for tonight, plus it's my other niece's 16th birthday next week, and I haven't shopped (I need to get her present before I leave for France.) Plus I discovered, thanks only to a chance conversation with Potter, that it's my responsibility to find someone to cover my late night next week because I'm off. Which sucks because you basically have to ask for a favour every time you want time off. Am debating whether to inflict the Foot Fetish Perv on Potter. Oh, and I have to squeeze some time with my Snuggle Bunny in before I say au revoir for a whole week.

What do teenage girls like these days? I mean, apart from tequila and excessive dieting? Jewellery is always a good idea on big birthdays, but I have such different taste from Pebbles. Also we have the problem of The Event. Me and mine are currently at war with my sister's husband, otherwise known as The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. As plans currently stand, we may be going for an Italian, which should be fine because Grinch doesn't like Italian food. And if he does come, I could always sprinkle his carbonara with arsenic? Oops. You didn't hear that!

Had a funny moment with Foot Perv recently actually. I was helping some girl with the photocopier and he came to take over since it was my break, but she was photocopying pictures of men's bits - purely for medical purposes I understand. When Toes lifted up the page he was like "Oh!" and made all funny embarrassed noises in his throat. His face was a picture! I wonder if he was thinking "Why doesn't mine look like that?!"*

A horrible man came in yesterday and was really rude and aggressive to the lovely Hoggle. He was so obnoxious I wanted to slap him, and you really couldn't find a nicer person than Hoggle, so I really hope something Karmic, and preferably with very big teeth, bites him in the ass.

By the way, sorry MJ, I totally meant to post this link days ago (don't click on it when your boss is making the rounds... unless he's a W&G fan.)

*Speculation, for humorous purposes only and not intending to suggest that I have any actual knowledge of the state of Foot Perv's wanger.

Oprah's book club it aint

Greetings.

The Other New Person at my workplace is in his second week with us now (like my use of 'us'?) The other day he came down in the lift with a trolley, bathed in sweat. There was even a wet patch on the back of his shirt. He asked me where to put the trolley if you hadn't finished unloading it, so I showed him where they went. "Right," he said, "and what if you only get it about half done?" So I gave him the options. "Right," he said, mopping his brow, "And with regards to time...?" The poor love had dashed around trying to get the whole thing done in twenty minutes, hence the perspiring freely. I wonder if I was that industrious when I started?

Can you believe it's September already? Terrifying. Even more so since my dissertation is due. Oh. Fuck.

In my line of work I've come across some books that are guaranteed to put you off your dinner, ones that I have absolutely no wish to ever, ever read. High on this list are the following titles:
The Color Atlas of Intestinal Parasites (yuck), Malignant Disease of the Vulva (ew), and last but by no means least, What doctors don't tell you: the truth about the dangers of modern medicine (mummy!)

Great Auntie Chica

Weezer's weird guy asked me out this morning. He seemed embarrassed when I told him I had a boyfriend so I kind of felt bad for him. I wonder how many libraries he visits in a day, asking all the staff out. I'd been trying to avoid him but he foxed me by getting a haircut and wearing a different coat! We reckon Potter may be next since the weird dude seems to like blondes.

By the by, Potter continues to impress. We had a conversation with Lady P. about Big Fish (the movie, in case you thought I'd turned into a crazy angler.)

Me: "I cried my eyes out at the end!"
Potter: "Me too!"

I love boys who cry, they're so cute. I have an opening for a movie buddy too...

But the biggest news is that I am now a great aunt! Yes, my gorgeous little niece has a gorgeous little boy of her own. How nuts that my sister is a grandma. He was born on Sunday 28th, a little after 9 am and weighed 5 pounds 11 ounces. He's teeny tiny and looks like his dad from what I can tell on the photographs. I haven't been to see him yet. What makes a good present for a new mum?

The weekend brought the Mathew Street Festival and lots of fun was had by all. A little too much fun in some cases. On Sunday we headed into town and hit a few bars, listened to some live music. They had a fair in the street and we marveled at how the people on this scary looking ride were barely missing the buildings on either side of the road as they swung from side to side. We should've took photos. We had a few drinks in Mathew Street and listened to some Beatles tunes in Lennon's Bar, then chilled out in Concert Square, sipping Baileys and cowering in the shade. Food was necessary at this point so we had burgers and fries and Eddie's. We thought we'd go back through to Mathew Street then and have a dance, but the atmosphere had changed, everyone was way too drunk, causing argy bargy and throwing up, so we walked along by the Three Graces to the Albert Dock and had a last drink at The Pump House before catching a taxi home. Monday we lazed around for most of the afternoon (and watched The Great Escape) and then went back into town to check out some of the free concerts. We lingered at the Tapas bar longer than we should have (and missed most of all the concerts as a consequence!) but it was really nice eating tapas and drinking sangria on a Monday when we should have been in work!

I got the clothes I ordered in last week's Sale today. They arrived in a big box and I opened it when I got home from work. It was like a mini-Christmas!

In the words of the Fresh Prince: Smell ya later!

A Smattering of Smut

I forgot to tell you about sexy lift man. He caused quite a stir among us female residents last week. I was sat opposite the lift when he came in to do some maintenance work, and thought hmmm, he's not bad to look at! Tall dark and handsome, cheeky grin, good body, a little bit shy. Lila excitedly came over and professed her fervent admiration for him, complaining that he only came in once in a blue moon. My situation then was very fortunate indeed - but I don't know why she just doesn't unscrew the bulb in the lift more often? (I hope it's not a sign of something bad that this solution immediately sprung into my mind.) Anyhow sexy lift man industriously went about his work, and I was afforded but a few fleeting glances since he could clearly see me perving on him in the mirror, so I had to resist. Lila then found another excuse to come to my desk and bemoaned that I had the best view - a bit too loudly. I didn't notice and wholeheartedly agreed with her, then when she was walking away she started mouthing 'He heard me!' and generally cringing with embarrassment. All right for her, I had to keep sitting there until he left. He approached the desk with a rather large pole when he was finished and asked me if he could leave it to my disposal. "Lila," says I, "Can we do anything with this?" Lila clutched the pole enthusiastically and agreed to sort it out for him, even though she didn't have a clue what to do with it and it knocked about the office for the rest of the day. Potter found it all very amusing, being immune from sexy lift man's enamour. For some strange reason our manager took the pole home. We've never asked.

In related news, this morning on my way into work I received a long, slow whistle from one of the builders outside. At the time I pretended not to hear but I would just like to record my utmost indignation here: It's about bloody time, I've walked past you every day for the past five weeks!

Bedknobs and Broomsticks

A Happy Birthday to Dedalus. And a very Happy Monday to me since I booked the day off work, ostensibly to get some study done, which is what I actually plan to do right after this. See my halo?

So I've had such a great weekend people! Friday we watched the whole Big Brother finale hoopla. I kind of felt sorry for Makosi for a nanosecond, then I saw her interviewed by the yummy Dermot O'Leary on Sunday and realised that she was still walking around with that big old ego. Referring to yourself in the third person is always a telltale sign that you have somehow become lodged up your own arse. But we opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate something I can't talk about yet in case I jinx it. More later.

Saturday we got our gladrags on and headed out for some tapas. I didn't really enjoy what I ordered but it was still a great atmosphere in there and we had such a good night. I felt the happiest I have felt in a long long time. And it was nothing to do with the sangria! I wore my new red silk top and it fits me really nicely, with jeans and killer heels. They killed, but not as much as the first time I wore them, when they caused me pain while I was sitting down watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! They're very high. I'm nearly as tall as the Boyf in them. The world looks different up there.

Just as an aside, what do we think of Skinny Jeans? I'm contemplating buying a pair since my favourite jeans don't really go with my Western boots. I've seen some bad ones though that put me off, I don't like the spray on look, or the type that look stretched over the crotch area. I think I'll need to track down the perfect pair - I was thinking of going shopping today but I don't think I have the energy for such a mission, writing my dissertation, and getting ready for work tomorrow. Stoopid responsibilities.

So on Sunday, which I've been told by a reliable source is gay day at IKEA, we went bed shopping. We bought bed accessories including a duvet set and bolsters first, then realised the bed we wanted (pictured) wouldn't fit in the car. Then we realised it may not even fit into the space we're buying it for, so drove home, had a conflab (read: discussion), decided to risk it and went straight back to IKEA in the Tranny. That's a Transit van by the way, not a Transvestite. We got our little list printed out at the info desk and then wandered around trying to find all the different bits and bobs that make up the bed. It was very busy, IKEA is obviously the place to be on a Sunday. I think it's the hot dogs. Anyway, glory be, we paid for the bed, brought it home and set it up to make sure it had all the right screws and bolts and things. I'm in love with it. I told ya'll I'm all about Bed these days. While preparing for our day of Home shopping, I also came across this gorgeous fridge that I could never ever afford.

Last night, after many recommendations, I watched Lost, and I have to admit I did get into it by the end. It did cause me to have rather strange dreams last night about giant polar bears infesting our back garden and chasing us out of the house though.

Last week at work was a bit rubbish as they had us doing all kinds of odd jobs like moving furniture, sorting through files, and cleaning. Midweek kind of dragged; one day I thought I'd reached lunch and it was only my ten thirty break. I have to learn to stop counting the hours. Worryingly, the weird bloke who asked Weezer out asked me my name. That's his modus operandi. The cheek of it if he does ask me out, sloppy seconds, I don't think so! Lila told me about some sleazy stalker type that bugged her for ages, when he asked her out and she pretended to have a boyfriend, he replied "So, I have a girlfriend, this does not matter! We don't have to tell them." Some people just can't take no for an answer I guess! On the plus side, if the way I felt on Saturday is in part a by product of the work I'm doing, it's totally worth it.

Proclaimed on the front of a church on my way to work: 'The Bible - the world's best seller, come and meet the author each Sunday!!'