Persuasion

I'm not one to follow idiotic books like 'The Rules', because I think people and relationships are individual and should be evaluated on an individual basis, and also, I really hate being told what I should or shouldn't do. However, last Christmas, my mother bought me Lauren Henderson's Jane Austen's Guide to Dating, because, I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I am completely besotted with Austen and read Pride and Prejudice pretty much constantly. It looks really quite interesting if you've read a lot of Austen like me. Ooh, and there are little quizzes in the back of the book you know I will be doing later! I haven't really plumbed the depths of Henderson's book, but I picked it up today - MJ left it out after raiding my book shelf in the 'spare room' (walk in wardrobe/junkyard/home office) to post this - and I have to admit a few paragraphs I skimmed rang true to me. I particularly liked the chapter on not falling for superficial qualities. I may even get this tattooed on the inside of my arm for future reference, like cheating in a chemistry exam by sketching the periodic table out on your stomach (what, you never did that?):

LESSON TO BE LEARNED: DON'T FALL FOR FLASHY, CHARMING PEOPLE. What Not to Do: Don't Be Too Ready to Think You're Anything Special to a Player. - Henderson, L. Jane Austen's Guide to Dating, (London: Headline, 2005) p.119.

She don't want no scrub.

When I arrive at the party tonight, I shall be armed with the following catalogue of Don't's:

• Be fooled by charm. I can't say this often enough - someone who's too good to be true probably is. Take time to get to know him, and be wary of a man who's presenting himself as perfect.
• Date someone who's treating you like arm candy. You'll know soon enough what his true motive is - he won't ask questions about your life, your interests, or anything that really defines you as a person, not just a pretty face.
• Date someone because he has qualities you wish you had. Being with someone more gorgeous, or charming, or extroverted than you can be very seductive. But if you're doing it because you think you're lacking in those qualities, it will only make you feel more insecure - because he has what you think you don't. Work on your own self-esteem instead, and don't try to artificially boost yourself through your boyfriend.

- Henderson, p.131.

Tonight, I will be channeling Elizabeth Bennet. (Also played by Keira Knightley!) I will be silly and fun loving but ladylike, and if he is at all rude or presumptuous I will put him in his place!

That's the plan anyway. Yesterday, I was going as Lara Croft.

A laydee!

Cheating by Nietzsche

What better way to illustrate my decline as an ethical human being than with a quote from Sex and the City?

Carrie: Well, I think maybe there's a cheating curve. That someone's definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they themselves want to cheat.

Miranda: That's moral relativism!

Carrie: I prefer to think of it as quantum cheating.

Dear Diary of Dastardly Deception,

Okay. I'm in a bit of a bind. Should I take the Boyf to the Office Christmas Party or not? Due to the lip, and the cold shoulder I think I'm being given, nothing is going to happen with Alfie anyway, oh and then there's also the fact of the fifty or so witnesses, including my boss. Plus, I'm a bit nervous about going in and not finding anyone I know, and fretting relentlessly about whether Alfie is ignoring me all night.

I must admit that my prime consideration here is Alfie's reaction. Will he a) put on a front like he couldn't care less but secretly be jealous, b) think I'm pathetic for trying to make him jealous, c) actually feel quite relieved, or d) all of the above?

Taking Boyf would put the brakes on all possibility of flirting, and probably even talking. This could be the last time I ever see Alfie. But. Should I stick two fingers up to that fact, and in doing so, play a better game for the long term? If he's expecting some nookie at the end of the night (I don't know what the hell he's thinking at this point) and I turn up with my boyfriend, maybe it will prompt him to ask me out again? Or maybe it will prompt him to wipe his hands of the whole affair?

It's a risky strategy in so many ways. I would have to prime Lila and give her some story so that she would back me up if Boyf mentioned last Friday. She's not exactly the most discreet person in the world. But there would be something quite soothing about there being no possibility of Alfie making a drunken pass at me. Although, maybe it would be better if he did make the pass and I got to knock him back?

If I turned up with Boyf, the one reaction I know I can count on in Alfie is competitiveness. Not jealousy, but more of an ego thing. Boyf is infinitely hotter than Alfie. And I know the girls will talk about how handsome he is. I suppose it's a kind of proximity scale of attractiveness. Eek. I'm talking about Boyf like he is a handbag; having him on my arm would make me more desirable.

Shit. I do not like the way I am talking. This is Boyf. I need to check my motives at the door and think about what's best for him. I might not be able to help my feelings for Alfie, but I can treat the Boyf with a bit more respect than this and stop being such a scheming cow. In the words of Meredith Brooks: I'm a bitch.

Slapping my own wrists,

Chica x

Overload

Oh my goodness. He's just asked me when I'm free again and I have no fucking idea what to suggest doing. What the fuck am I gonna talk to him about if we're on our own?? Shit. Why didn't I prepare myself for this question properly last time he asked?

I say he asked. I had to fucking extract it with a pair of gold plated tweezers. (I don't know why gold plated.) He suggested a half hour fumble at my work place tomorrow but I'm not there, so I was like, when are you available for non-work groping?

SAD!

Girls. And boys. I need help.

Frankie Says Relax

So, he's gone. Going to work is pretty much going to suck now.

As well as chipping in for the group present (chocs, crisps, and £100 Zara vouchers), me and 'Muffin bought him a couple of little presents. 'Muffin chose them since he had the afternoon off to shop - a Parker fountain pen and a suede filofax. In the card, I wrote:

WANTED: Office hottie. Applications to Chica at (my workplace.) Must wear Vivienne Westwood shirts and be willing to take them off! It's all good! love, Chica x

He came and gave me a hug before he left. He smelled amazingly good. He said he'd email. It was a proper hug. I was in a rush to finish it because I didn't want to look a fool but he held on.

Then, he made a surprise return just before five. He teased me about my name being wrong on the invitation to the Christmas party. After a bit of encouragement from 'Muffin, I text him and put: Where's my goodbye kiss? He came down from his office, we exchanged a hot look and a smile. He lingered for fifteen minutes but I was really busy and there were loads of people around. He chickened out and left. Gutted! I text him while waiting for the bus and put: Sod ya then! He replied that he came to find me but everyone was there. I told him he owed me a kiss.

Shambollox!

But since I have spies at work I get to know a little more than I should. 'Muffin was working late and Himself popped back into work after a bit of late night shopping. He told him that he had only realised what he was doing by walking away when it was too late and he'd been a bit slow on the uptake. He also said that things are going badly with 'Sarah' and that he doesn't want a girlfriend. He said he didn't want me giving up something when he couldn't promise anything in return.

Then he said: But there's always the Christmas do... but she's not that sort of girl. (as I'm scurrying off to find my red stiletto heels!) 'Muffin insists that Himself thinks I'm a great girl and that he respects me.

Just after I'd spoken to 'Muffin on the phone, Himself text me: Just looking at my cards again. You made me chuckle. Thanks. Which sounds like nothing but is a big deal from him because he never makes the effort like that.

I replied with something jokey, he did the same, and now I've left it.

I think I've done enough. Ball's in his court.

Expiration Dating

What do you think of my new, slinky boots?

They cost me £70 from Faith. I'm wearing them tomorrow with a grey pinafore dress and black polo neck. Himself leaves on Thursday. But since he is off on Tuesday and I think I'm on a course on Wednesday, I have but two outfits left until he leaves! What what!

Thursday he will be busy with everybody else too. So really, tomorrow is the last chance. Last chance for what I'm not sure, but I figure this is going to be a difficult week for me.

Which is a good enough reason as any to treat myself to these boots I say!

*sigh*

Love Muscle Russell

God, this morning seems like a long time ago! It's lucky I've got numerous emails to Guillermo and texts to my sis to work from!

So, you'll all remember that I got Himself's phone number from Heidi. What she didn't tell me was that she'd text him and asked if it was okay after she'd give me it! Today, I spoke to Himself first thing and he didn't let on about it. But he came and found me and Studmuffin while we were shelving books and teased us about being 'the happy couple.' When we both protested, he stroked my arm, apologised and said to 'Muffin: "Come on, Chica's a pretty girl." Then he said: Heidi text me and asked if it was okay that she's given you my number... I was like, what? no, fuck off!

There followed an exchange I can't remember. I think I maybe blacked out because whatever awkward response I managed to make to this has been wiped from my brain. I'm pretty sure it involved a lot of nervous laughter from me and the 'Muffin. At some point I managed a feeble 'It's okay I won't use it.' He said: oh no, use it, get drunk and send me pictures.

Then we talked about Heidi and how she'd just blatantly asked to watch them get dressed, and how she was all over one of the guys we work with. Himself said he liked her and I agreed: 'she's great; she's very upfront. I need lessons from her.'

When he left, 'Muffin and I discussed how to stop everyone from gossiping about us, 'cos everyone in work, ironically enough, think that we're at it! This came up at break again with Himself, who accused us of always being together. I said that everyone must just be jealous of all the time we spend together because really they wanted 'Muffin for themselves. Himself said: but obviously I'd be fancying you, not him. There were loads of other little flirty bits but I can't bloody remember them all! He was asking about my dress again, and wanted to see a picture, but I don't have one on my phone.

We also had some banter with me bravely stopping him as he walked past to tell him his outfit was a bit Russell Brand. He was indignant and demanded to know what was Brandish about it. I told him it was the floppy collar and the black scarf, which he took off immediately. We were standing pretty close. "I can't believe you said that, I hate Russell Brand, he's a wanker," he complained. I laughed and said sorry and he play-shoved me as I walked away!

Ah, it was a beautiful moment.

So, even though it's all a bit clumsy, I'm at least getting to know him a bit better! I think I need to do some damage control though over the me and 'Muffin rumours. Although, if they're busy talking about that, maybe they won't notice me drooling all over Himself!

The Girl Can't Help It

Okay, there's more. It's been a productive day.

At lunch, 'Muffin and I went shopping to pick Heidi some leaving presents up. Let me now just declare my undying love for Heidi, and later you'll see why. Upon returning, Heidi was in the Staff Room with Himself, so it was just the four of us, and we got to talking about the night out. I can't remember particulars, but Himself and I had a bit of banter going on, largely over style tips for 'Muffin. Heidi said she liked one of Himself's friends, and I asked what he was like.

Himself: He's ripped. He's really good looking. Imagine my personality...
Chica: ...but he's good looking to make up for it? ;)

I love teasing him, he does this great smile. But then 'Muffin was being way over the top obvious, saying things like: "Heidi can have him and Chica can have you then." The following exchange was even more horrifying, but luckily P.Diddy was there to laugh with and take the mortification away.

'Muffin: Well, give us an example of your chat up techniques, work your magic on Chica.
Himself: Chica's got a boyfriend!
'Muffin: Well, hypothetically...
Himself: ...no, I can't just do it here!
Chica: *dying*

But the reason I love Heidi so much is because she is an unashamed, unabashed flirt and she manhandles all the guys at work. She came straight out and asked if we could go to Himself's house and watch them all get changed - he said yes by the way - and get ready there (so not happening!) When I told her I fancied Himself, she replied with such great nonchalance 'Who wouldn't?' and gave me his number. And she almost got us an invite to stay at Himself's on the night out, except I immediately offered our spare room for Heidi (I can't handle such proximity) and he reconsidered and said that the Boyf and Sarah prob wouldn't be too happy if I stayed over. He didn't mention anything about Heidi staying over though? Hmmm.

Later, as he walked past the counter, we resumed the outfit conversation. I asked on the appropriateness of dresses, because we were both planning to wear them, and described Heidi's prom dress affair.

Himself: Yeah, the girls wear dresses, you can get as dressed up as you like where I go, you won't look overdressed. I suppose some girls wear quite slutty dresses...
Chica: So cleavage is okay yeah?
Himself: *looking suitably surprised* I can't WAIT to see what you're gonna wear!

His number is on my phone. Obviously I can't use it. But fuck.

Bunny Girl

Okay so firstly, to all of my friends and readers, and readers who are also friends, I am truly sorry. I know I am testing your patience. I realise that I should probably think of renaming this blog: I've got a crush on a guy and I'm gonna make you all listen to me talk about him until your ears bleed.com, but I think that's already taken. I understand that there are much more important things going on in the world that should occupy my mind, and more significant happenings in your everyday lives. Really, this whole crush scenario is utterly trivial, and it's scandalous of me to be complaining about it's effects while people who could be reading this are going through real actual problems that don't involve trying to turn the head of the office hottie... who just walked past.

Secondly, if you wholeheartedly agree with the above and are thanking the heavens that I've finally come around from a pheromone induced frenzy, then I would kind of avoid scrolling down. Or possibly checking back in any time soon. Because this is another one of those posts.

Yesterday, I launched Operation Bridget Jones. It didn't start terribly well as I overslept and had to rush around like crazy beautifying myself, which I obviously need about four hours to do. During this time, my sister docked with an emotional crisis and I, being a terrible sister, was trying to console her whilst straightening my hair and systematically laddering the tights I had paid a small fortune for the day before. (Actually, this is all sounding rather Bridget isn't it? I'll be sliding down a fireman's pole tomorrow - if I'm lucky!) But finally, I was ready. I had on a tight polo neck jumper, a short pleated skirt with a cute little belt, and heels. MJ gave me a lift to work so not only wasn't I late, but I scored what was to be the only time I had with Himself all day (MJ, I love you!)

When I walked into the Staff Room, it was full of people, so I couldn't look at Himself and see if anything registered, but everyone else practically showered me in compliments, including my boss - which was a big relief because I thought I might get told off for the risque skirt! Studmuffin nearly fell over and said I looked hot, and I swear some people were nice to me who usually don't even bother saying hello! But: nothing from Himself. Not even a flicker. Gutted. Sassy was a godsend because I probably would've buckled under all the attention except she said "Ooh, is this part of your mid life crisis? Oh no, you went to lunch with your friend didn't you - that's why." Phew. Himself went home early. At about half seven (I worked til 9) I changed into jeans.

But, not one to be easily discouraged(!), I woke up this morning more determined than ever and chose a black knee length skirt and a pretty top that highlights my waist and ties at the back in a bow. This morning, Himself walked into the Staff Room as I was applying make up at the mirror and said: "Another skirt, very nice," and watched me put on my mascara! I said, "Thanks, I'm glad somebody noticed," because I couldn't say, "Thanks, I'm glad you noticed." I told him I was acting on Hoggle's advice. Later, Hoggle asked me what the change was in aid of, because I never wear skirts to work since you are always bending over and stretching and standing on kick stools. I told her about the rut and how I was trying to change it in small ways, so I hope she hasn't noticed anything going on.

THEN, we were talking about the big night out at the end of the month and Himself was saying that the girls shouldn't go because Studmuffin will be reserved if we're there. So I pretended to be miffed and said I wasn't going unless Himself asked me nicely. He took me seriously and was like: "Oh no I'm really sorry, I didn't mean it like that." 'Muffin was distraught because he's desperate not to be thrown to the lions and wants us girls there for moral support. I insisted that I brought the wild side out in 'Muffin and could in any man(!) 'Muffin chimed in with a 'yeah, anything with a pulse,' then left us alone. Himself looked at me - with those eyes Wondy! - and said: "I'd love for you to come."

I replied: "I just have."



Okay, you know I so didn't! I mumbled something along the lines of a thank you and appreciating it, and he walked off, then turned round and flashed me a big smile.

*Sigh*

Yep, I'm afraid it's only going to get worse. You may want to cut me off now.

Sshhhhh...

Since I have discovered today that not only do I have just two weeks to become Keira Knightley, but must undermine and sabotage Himself's relationship with "Sarah" (like, allegedly that's her name*, who is she???? who is she???**) in these same said two weeks, I have decided to bring out the big guns.

Thanks to Laura, I may find happiness with Himself yet!

I swear to you, I am kidding.

*SATC quote. Yes, desperate times call for desperate measures.

**The Nikki-ism's live on.

The Edge of Reason

Quick update on the Boyf: monogamy sucks ass.

Now, let's get to the important stuff. How do I, in the space of two weeks, transform myself into Keira Knightley? Keira Knightley in the film Love Actually, to be precise.

Himself named Keira as his fantasy woman, particularly in this film. Think about it: he likes Keira, I like Andrew Lincoln, it's obviously meant to be! Um, apart from the fact that the two don't get to be together in the film because Keira is already married... heyyyy!

So. Aside from saving up for drastic plastic surgery, how can I mould myself in her style?

In accordance with the juvenile behaviour of the last week, I am employing teenage tactics in the battle to get Himself to notice me this week and have purchased a short skirt. I plan to wear it on Tuesday, if I can find a top that goes with it, one that doesn't show any cleavage (I do one or the other, legs or chest, never both!) Perhaps this is more desperate Bridget Jones than lovely Keira Knightley but meh, I'll take what I can get.

God, if you gave her a laptop instead of a diary this is bloody me right now! I think I need chocolate. Or vodka.