Sisters Doin' It For Themselves

I have to say, this Alfie stuff has been a major pain in the arse and has really thrown me for a loop, but it's started to get me thinking seriously about my life and what I want out of it. There are a few things I've wanted to do for a while, and recently I've been thinking 'Well, if I was going out with Alfie I would do that, but if I'm not, then there's no point.' Um, somebody please bitch slap me for even thinking that. It's like the whole fashion thing. My approach to dressing for work used to be really lazy. It's not that I went in wearing any old crap I'd pulled off a heap from the bedroom floor or anything, but I just used to iron whatever was the most convenient thing and not give it a second thought. When I was trying to catch Alfie's eye, I started to think about my outfits in a different way and tried to show off my best attributes and hide my worse ones. It may have been for his benefit that I started to do it, but since he's left I've kept it up (though I'd never wear killer heels unless he was there - I'm not flippin' Posh Spice) and it does make me feel better if I'm wearing something I actually like.

It's strange. It's like through imagining being with him, I'm not just wanting another man but another life. And it occured to me today that that is probably the most seductive thing about this crush. The best thing is, even if I can't have Alfie, I can get all the other stuff for myself.

I used to make excuses for not doing things, like driving. It's too expensive to run a car. There's no point anyway because parking by work is rubbish. I don't mind the bus. But driving would probably give me a lot more independence and I'd visit some friends I would like to see more. So I've decided to save for a car next year.

I don't know what the bejesus is going on with my career and I've been kind of sidestepping the issue by prolonging the dissertation process and plodding on with my dead end job. But I've decided that, yes it'll take time and money, but after I'm done with the dissertation I am going to look into magazine journalism. I have absolutely no idea how to go about this, so I'm going to email the lady that interviewed me for the journalism research job and ask for advice. She may not remember me, but it can't hurt, right? And if I haven't finished the dissertation by the next deadline, then I'm not going to finish it.

And I'm going to start indulging my hobbies a bit more and take some night classes. My excuse for not doing this before has been the demands of my job and writing my dissertation, but now I'm part time I can afford to do something like this, and I might meet some interesting new people. It means I'll spend less time with Boyf but frankly that's probably a good thing. Maybe we'll put more effort into the time we do have together.

I know this all smacks of New Years Resolution which is why I'm going to try and put some things into place before then. All I can do is try. I feel good about making some decisions. If one good thing has come out of all this mess, it's that I've realised that it's okay to want something and to go for it. Even if you fall flat on your face, you can take something from the experience. I may not have got what I want from Alfie, but I never in a million gazillion years thought two months ago that I would be lying in bed with him, stroking his hair. Even if it meant nothing to him, it meant something to me, and so I can't regret it entirely.

So - yeah.