Scents & Sensibility

Okay. So lately I have been shopping a whole lot. Last month it was "pull Alfie" outfits, this month it has been in preparation for Christmas. I still have quite a few presents to get for people. I need to find something for 'Muffin. And a few extra gifts for my sister for being such a great confidante these last few months!

At the weekend, I bought perfume for both of my sisters, and while I was in the shop I browsed through the men's section. I noticed the scent Alfie wears. I picked it up, sprayed it on my wrist. D&G Masculine - it's gorgeous. He always smells amazing. I bought it (!) I'm still not sure what I'll do with it!

I would love to buy Alfie a gift. But we're just not in that place. I really don't know what place we are in. We had a great time on Friday, but I don't feel close to him. He's very difficult to read and doesn't give very much away about himself. Anyway, I may email him tomorrow...

It's weird. Some of the people I talk to about Alfie seem to think that we are 'seeing' each other. But I don't feel like that about us at all. I constantly feel like it could be over before it's really begun. I don't know what would happen if I just didn't get in touch. Would he initiate things?

He didn't even tell me he'd split up with Sarah until I asked him directly what was going on with them on Friday night. He said he'd told 'Muffin and assumed he'd tell me. I said 'Muffin had said they were 'in between' relationship status. He said that the day I asked him in the stairwell if I'd be getting a text saying he regretted our encounter and he said no was the day they split up. But I know for a fact that that can't be true because he took her to the Paolo Nutini gig that night and showed me a picture of them on his phone the next morning! But I do believe that they have split up because he was open with his friends about who he was meeting (and why!) and his mum knew he was out with me (embarrassing encounter in the morning!)

It's extremely difficult to get to know Alfie in any way except in sexual terms. Then, funnily enough, he's wide open. But I need to feel that he cares about me to be able to go further. And I think he believes he just has to get me drunk! Wonder why? :P

I could never sleep with him while I am in a relationship with someone else. But I didn't even think I was capable of kissing somebody else or deceiving the Boyf like I have been. I find myself swinging between states of guilt, when I look at my boyfriend and realise how amazing he is and how lucky I am, and states of longing for Alfie despite the fact that he's never even really said he likes me. I'm not even sure I like the way he treated me when we got back to his on Friday, and I feel like I have to play games with him all the time. If I was going to sleep with someone, I'd have to feel like it was going to mean something. And not just to me. In fact, I'd have to be in love with that person. Otherwise, I would regret it and feel... empty. And me and Alfie are never going to get there. It's not what he wants.

Meh, I could go on forever. With these thoughts going on in my mind it's really no wonder that I've made myself ill and am doomed to be ugly for the Christmas party! I guess only time will tell. But until it does, I hope you can bear with me and my wittering! Hopefully I will look back on all this one day and laugh. Or at least shake my head, roll my eyes and draw little moustaches and spectacles on the pictures I have of him while cackling witchily.

Which reminds me, must make some space on my camera in the event of a miracle taking place through which my face deflates and I make it to the party!