Picture Perfect

Lots of blogging today. I'm thinking maybe I need a therapist? But it's much cheaper if I just write about this shit and imagine somebody saying: 'and how do you feel about that?' every now and then. Sorry. Them's the brakes. You could club together and get me some therapy vouchers or something for Christmas? Or, alternatively, you could just click 'next blog' and be done with me.

This blog needs a Sex and the City makeover. I could jazz this drivel up a little and make it less pathetic. But I really do not have the energy or the motivation. I'm here for catharsis. I need an outlet for the crazy lady I am fast becoming. I don't know why you're here. If you are still reading, then you are far too kind. Mother Teresa would have bitch slapped me with a wet kipper and told me to get a grip by now.

Today, I took myself off to have some photographs printed off my camera. I got a stack of about 180 photo's developed. They are lovely. I'd forgotten how nice it is to hold a memory in your hand. Seeing them on the screen is no match for it. The pictures look more real somehow, more detailed. I was very pleased with the results. I still had pictures on there from our trip to Toulouse about a year and a half ago. And of course, the pics some of you will have seen on Flickr of 'Muffin's 'big night out.' Yes, I have physical photographs of Alfie now. That's gonna help me get over him sooooo much.

Meh, he's not that effin good looking (somewhere in my head, I just guffawed at myself.)

Anyway, I had a point somewhere. Oh yeah. Then I ate pizza with my boyfriend, before tucking him into bed and watching a romcom I've seen before. There was no great message in the film or anything and it was pretty standard fluff, but it did make me realise something. You are meant to be with somebody who makes you happy. It was a surreal moment for me to realise this because it was like a revelation. Of course I knew this already, but in all my frustrated musings about what I should do about my situation I never once considered perhaps the most important aspect of it all: happiness. Yes, I've been very selfish lately and thought about what I want and how to get it. And I have thought about what regrets I may have even if I got what I think I want. But I have never sat down and thought about it in terms of: am I happy with Boyf? Would Alfie make me happy? Would being single make me happy? Do I make either of them happy?

If I asked Boyf if he was happy with me he would say yes without a single moment of hesitation. And he would mean it. Now I'm not saying he's perfect; nobody is. But I can't explain to you what a catch this man is. He has his bad habits, and we fight, and yes, I get bored of us (seven years.) But he is completely devoted to me, he's phenomenally gorgeous, he's thoughtful in little ways like making me cups of tea, and he sobbed when Puppy died. I think myself bloody lucky to have met such an amazing man and I kick myself sometimes when I stop and think about how much he loves me. Now, let me ask the question, since I know there are people literally all over the world looking for this very man: why doesn't all of that make me happy?

Answers on a postcard. Spoilt bitch, seems to be the most obvious!