A.L.F.

I'm tired after an exhausting day stripping (wallpaper). The Boyf and I are working on our bedroom. We also filled all the holes in the wall, knocked out a vent, and painted the ceiling. Lots more work planned for the next couple of days! Ahhh, there's nothing like a project to keep your mind off things!

In other news, had a bit of an awkward conversation with Dedalus on MSN while I was on my late night in work yesterday. One minute, we were talking about shoes (well, I was talking about them, he was probably rolling his eyes and stifling a yawn) the next minute, he said he'd like to take me out.

Chica: Take me out?
Dedalus: To town for a night out.
Chica: Yeah we could go for a few drinks or something, but 'take me out' sounds a bit... non-platonic.
Dedalus: I know.
Chica: Oh. Well if we did go out, it would be purely platonic for me.
Dedalus: OK.
Chica: Do we need to talk about this?
Dedalus: I dunno. Not now.
Chica: Okay. I don't want to lead you on though, it's not nice. And I think you're kind of "on the rebound" for want of a better phrase.
Dedalus: OK (my real name).
Chica: Shall I shut up?
Dedalus: You want to do something later this week?

Is it just me, or is he a cheeky bastard? I mean, I'm being careful of his feelings and everything, because recent events have made me very sensitive to the perils of rejection. But, he comes back on the scene after an absence of almost two years and thinks that this is okay? Sheesh.

Let's have a slice of Mybug so that I don't start to sound like a complete man hater. He text me today asking how I was, and when I replied he rang me a second later to make sure I was okay because he said I sounded down ("been better, been worse.") I assured him I was fine in my chirpiest voice and he scatted for a bit, then I thanked him for calling. Kinda thoughtful of him, don't you agree?

'Muffin also brought a Thank You card into work for me yesterday for his birthday present, the loon. It's nice to know that some people appreciate you though, and we also had a good old bitch about Alfie, pictured below.



Petty, but satisfying :) It's funny the little things that can make you feel better, such as the email that popped into my inbox from my sister entitled: RE: that bastard. High road, schmigh road.

Balance

I figure, since I've been doing a lot of complaining recently, that I should let you in on how great my boyfriend is for a change. This morning, he got up, made me a cup of tea, nipped to the shops and bought breakfast supplies, woke me up, made me laugh, made me a BLT sandwich to eat and another sandwich for later, put some little chocolates in with my lunch (which I then threw out but still) and waved me off as I left for work. Cute huh?

Plus, whenever he sees the mobile phone advert with the wind up toy of two figures hugging, he says it is us and sings the song to me (let me call you sweetheart.) Well, at me.

Yesterday, he picked me up from work. In the car on the way home we were chatting as normal about various things, and then in a jokey, good natured way he said to me: "I found a piece of paper in the house before with PR (Alfie's initials) wrote on it and then scribbled out." (What am I, 14?) I went, "PR??" in a high pitched, unconvincing voice, and then he said Alfie's first and second name, then "Don't be writing his name, only write mine," in a perfectly pleasant tone. I managed a feeble, "Okay," and then he was normal with me for the rest of the night.

He's either the most understanding man in the world, or I don't know what.

Well Played

So, I read that email about forty times yesterday and am going to try to avoid doing so in the future. I have lots of mixed feelings about it as I'm sure you can imagine. Mostly, I feel like a fool. But Chica is going to pick herself up and dust herself off and talk in the third person as many times as she has to. It's difficult for me to take the moral high ground over this because of what I was willing to do to somebody I love. I can't exactly harp on about betrayal and trust and treating people right now, can I? But I was always honest with Alfie and he knew what I was risking. It should come as no surprise that I meant so little to him, but even 'Muffin reacted with shock at just how bad the email was. I could tell he immediately regretted calling me over as he opened it. I think it's really mean of Alfie to put 'Muffin in that position too as he knows how close we are.

There really aren't any words to explain this mess away. There are lots of words to try and explain it, and I've probably ran through about half of them in my mind since about this time yesterday. But what is the point? I've done the "But he was seeing ME in December!" and the "So much for not wanting a girlfriend!" and it doesn't change my predicament. He was still flirting and doing all the "Alfie" crap in the emails he sent me on Friday, but there's no use wondering why. I don't know if I wish he hadn't contacted me at all (I was actually getting somewhere with the getting over him, finally) or if it's a good thing he's made it so clear what a twat he is.

I'm a stupid, stupid girl.

Gag Me With A Spoon

Having spies has its drawbacks. Regardez this email from Alfie to 'Muffin.

Hi Mate,
all is well here too.
Been seeing the same girl i told you about a while back.
Met her at the beginning of December and were offically going out now.
She is the hottest girl ive ever been out with i think. So thats a good sign. Been seeing quite a bit of eachother.
I am very proud of the jumper purchase young jedi, you have good potential.

I'll leave you to imagine my mood right now, but I'll give you a clue; it's somewhere between hysterical and total humiliation.

Fuck. Me.

Little Bird

A little bird tells me that Alfie has acquired a "Julie" and was out with her on Saturday night (his birthday weekend.) He also dropped into my workplace on Friday afternoon so the emails were either to a) make sure I wouldn't be here or b) assess the possibility of some cheap thrills in the stairwell.

Why every girl needs a 'Muffin: "He parked in the loading bay while he went and got his haircut apparently. What hair? I'd have had him bloody clamped."

Not that I ever thought he would remain celibate or anything, but argh. The little bird referred to her as "his girlfriend." Stab me in the heart, why don't you!

Just when I was doing so well... :P

Chin Up

Gah, my boyfriend is annoying the crap outta me. Is it awful that I completely enjoyed being alone last night? I liked being able to do whatever I wanted without deferring to somebody else or checking to make sure he was properly entertained, and I even enjoyed cooking and eating alone, which I usually hate. Then he came home at 1 am drunk as a skunk, with this horrible mask of a face he gets when he's really hammered, and I just felt immediately harangued and stressed out. This morning, I got up, and he'd eaten the last of everything. He had the television blaring in the living room and was asleep on the couch. I made him some tea, tidied up the kitchen, and switched on the heating because the house was freezing. Meanwhile, he goes upstairs, snaffles the duvet off my bed and climbs back under it onto the couch watching The Discovery Channel.

So now I am annoyed and blogging in my bedroom to get away from the noise of the TV, I'm hungry, and I'm cold because he has my duvet, and he switched the radiator off in my room!

In other news, I just took Goldberg's depression test online - it popped up on the MSN homepage, don't worry - and while I really don't think clickable tests you take in your pyjamas drinking coffee are especially credible, it's kind of worrying that on this scale, I scored a 70.

0 - 9 Depression unlikely
10 - 17 Possibly minor depression
18 - 21 On the verge of depression
21 - 35 Minor to moderate depression
36 - 53 Moderate to severe depression
54+ Severe depression

You have the symptoms of severe depression. The condition seems to cause serious problems in your everyday life, and you should consult your doctor immediately. Your boyfriend is obviously taking the piss while the man you really desire is out of your reach. You probably work in a dead end job and are being ignored by the tutor who is supposed to be mentoring you. Sucks to be you, love.

PS You are in danger of becoming a whiny cow permanently. Suggested treatment: Wondy gives you her new shoes.

Okay, I feel better now. I think I'll go buy some groceries, do my nails, try out my GHD straighteners and get ready for a night on the tiles. Heck, I might even go for a run. That'll show him!

Riding in Cars with Boys

I have the house to myself tonight. At first I was going to call one of the girls and get them over, but then I reconsidered in favour of some me time. I cooked, while listening to Patsy Cline and The Rat Pack. Later, I will watch Big Brother. If I had Doritos, they too would be involved in the plan.

This morning, I got up, went downstairs and put on some tea. I went into the conservatory and moved a photo album to sit down. My niece had been flipping through it the night before while we had our hair cut. (We have family sessions with a stylist who is friends with my sister.) I turned to the pictures at the back of the album while the kettle boiled. Alfie. I had already begun to think about the fact that it had been a month since I heard from him, and that I was going to have to emerge from beneath his spell. I kind of gave myself until today to stop wallowing, since it was meant to be the night out with 'Muffin and I thought it would be an appropriate bookend to the whole thing. I looked at a picture of Alfie and thought... well, you weren't what I expected you to be.

I finished making my tea and took it upstairs. I set up my laptop and checked my emails, including my work emails out of habit. A few times I have caught myself thinking: please, please, please while doing this. (Hey, I'm not proud of the fact!) But not this morning. And then, before I knew it, I was opening a message from Alfie: "Hello there, it's been a bit quiet from you lately. How's tricks?" he sent it around 9 in the morning. I waited until around lunch time to reply. This gave me plenty of time to text my sister and freak out. She offered me some firm advice: email him back but don't be over friendly and don't mention his birthday x let's know x

Anyway, in short, we had a tiny bit of banter, then he said he was off to lunch and told me to have a nice weekend and tell the sis the clit tease says yo. He has a real way with words :P The highlight of the emails was probably when I asked him how he was settling into his new workplace:

Chica: Walking round like you own the joint by now then yeah? ;)
Alfie: What dya mean, "like i own the joint". I do ;-) Alfie is in town

I've not let myself get too excited about it, but I am pleased he got in touch and it wasn't awkward. I think this makes it acceptable for me to text him sometime, maybe just forward a joke on to him or something, to keep the lines of communication open. Not with any goal in sight, but just because I like him and would like to try and be normal around him and treat him like my other male friends if possible. I was thinking the other day about how crazy I let myself get over him and how a lot of it was really unnecessary. If I text Mybug and he doesn't reply, it doesn't bother me in the least. I don't have a crisis and think he hates me. But I totally over analyse everything with Alfie, and it has to stop if I want any kind of shot at getting through this without a broken heart and/or a restraining order. Even if I never hear from him again, I think I've come off quite good. I held out for ages and didn't contact him; he contacted me; I was friendly but not overly flirty; a kind of friendly stalemate has been resumed. Now, if I bump into him I won't be thinking: oh my god I want to die this is the guy who rejected me, and he won't be thinking, oh fuck how awkward.

I'm sure this isn't the last loop of the roller coaster, but for now I'm quite content with things. My sister popped in before Dedalus picked me up and couldn't stop laughing at me. She kept saying: look at your face, you're smiling now!

Oh, Dedalus is another matter. Bobby was excellent, the ending was particularly well done, and the approach was really interesting and not at all what I expected. After the film, Dedalus gave me a ride home because we went to a cinema close to where I live. Since there was nobody home, I invited him in for a cuppa. And he freaked out. It was like he panicked, eventually declining the offer. Then he started to explain why and cut himself short and said to leave it. I was like, "Erm... okay." I was offering the guy tea not permission to ransack my body. He asked what my plans were for the weekend so I gave him a brief overview and then we said goodbye.

I let myself in and had a little chat with 'Muffin on MSN. Then the phone rang. It was Dedalus, apologising for not coming in. I told him not to worry and that I wasn't offended. He said he wished he had. I was like, "Well... no worries. I just thought we could have a chat 'cos we didn't get much chance to while we were watching the film." He agreed, then started going on about how he likes me, and even though he said it was his exes fault we'd stopped talking, it was also because he liked me and I was always with the Boyf. I said, "And I still am." He said things hadn't changed for him. I said, "Well it was all a long time ago." He repeated that things hadn't changed for him! I said, "It was two years ago! This is really hard to talk about not in person." He agreed. He asked if he could see me over the weekend, and I said I wasn't sure of my plans but I'd let him know if I was in town and we could meet up if he was free. We stumbled over a couple more niceties and hung up. He's text me since. I really wish he wouldn't force this issue because I really want to be friends but if he's going to be saying stuff like that I'm not sure we can. Plus, this totally smacks of rebound to me.

In the words of Avril Lavigne: why d'you have to go and make things so complicated?

Of Books & Bondage

Meh, today has been such a waste of time. I did get my hair cut at least, but I raised the subject of colour and didn't really get any constructive feedback. Still, my hair is back in an actual style, which is progress.

Yesterday, I had to go work at a different site as part of a 'lets all hold hands and love each other' initiative they have at work, which requires us to travel miles out of our way and do the exact same job but in a place where you don't know anything so you're basically zero help to anyone, and you're only there for one day so anything you do learn is a total waste of time anyway. Ahem. Loving the scheme, personally. But I'd been quite worried about going there because that's where the rumour about me and Alfie came from so I was more than a little paranoid. Heidi works there so I got to catch up with her and we had fun slagging off men for a bit, and she told me about her male friend who likes rubber and being peed on. Nice. Practical combination, though.

Anyway, I was counting the hours to get through it but it was fine in the end. Lovely Mybug came to see me. It was really weird because he'd said he might and just as I was sitting on reception wondering if he would and almost willing him to really because I felt out of my depth, he walked in. I only spoke to him for a couple of minutes because he had to get to class, but he came back later and helped me find my way around while I was looking for some books. He also gave me a Happy Hippo. (That's a Kinder sweetie thing, not a euphemism.) He walked around the library with me helping me with my job, then gave me a hug and a kiss and went to meet some friends for lunch. I really like listening to him talk. He's really quite insightful for a nineteen year old.

Let me just type that out again: nineteen year old. Same age as my niece. WRONG.

Before you start to worry about an upcoming onslaught of Mybug posts, I do not like him in that way. I just really like him as a person and he's so funny and sweet. Other people at work didn't like him and I think the general consensus is that he's weird. But I just think he expresses himself in a different, unique way and I find it interesting. Plus, it really helps his cause that he gets drunk and tells me I'm beautiful. I love that in a guy.

Off to see Bobby at the cinema with Dedalus tomorrow. I love stuff on the Kennedy's so I'm hoping for good things. 'Muffin had to cancel his birthday celebrations because of personal problems, which is a real shame. We were both looking forward to it and he was going to stay over so he could really have let loose and not had to worry about driving home. I'm sure we'll arrange something else another time though and I'm taking the Boyf out on Saturday instead (fingers crossed.) I still haven't a clue what to get him for his birthday so I'm going to have to go shopping at some point. Also, I want earrings. I have but two pairs. After many years umming and ahhing over whether to take the plunge or not, I've almost ignored the fact that I had them pierced, and cannot believe I'm not taking advantage of the opportunity for expansive accessorising. I really must be lovesick. I couldn't even get it up for shoe shopping last week.

Ball Ache

I don't know if I have talked about this much, what with my inability to stop myself from sounding like a scratched record, but I am attempting to turn over a new academic leaf, and have been trying to sort my shizz out vis-a-vis The Dissertation That Will Not Die. I met my tutor last Thursday, braving gale force winds, roads closing, roof tiles and tree trunks flying through the air to do so (not exaggerating), and spent last weekend writing an outline of my chapters for him. I was a bit miffed by the fact that he turned up 25 minutes late for our meeting, and that if I hadn't stopped into the humanities office, and the receptionist didn't just happen to spot him down the corridor, the meeting wouldn't have happened at all. And then there was the fact he was totally unprepared - even more so than me - and asked me what was the meeting about, again? But I am even more annoyed with him today, since I battled through rush hour traffic to meet him at five o'clock, a time convenient for him, and he never bothered to bloody show up! Does the dude not realise I have to get two buses there, two buses back, and it takes me more than two hours? Grrr.

I was so proud of myself for actually getting the work done at the weekend aswell. I shut myself in the spare room, shunned all of Boyf's attempts to distract me, sacrificed my social life, and this is how I am rewarded! I left him a note explaining that I'd turned up for the meeting on time and hung around waiting for him again, and asked him to give me some feedback via email or telephone so that I could make some progress before our next, unscheduled, meeting. I'm really peeved; I need encouragement so much to get this God-forsaken project out of my life. If I do go back to university, it certainly won't be to this one, as it's been nothing but one obstacle after another!

Don't even get me started on Registry...

Sitting Duck

I had a bit of a WTF moment while flipping through a magazine at work today: turns out that this boy...

...grew up into this boy. Nicholas Hoult from the excellent About a Boy, in which he played the adorable Marcus, is now some sort of sexpot character on raunchy new teen-angst-with-lots-more-sex-thrown-in vehicle Skins. I say it's raunchy but I haven't actually seen it and don't intend to watch it, but it looks like it wants to be raunchy from the adverts. In fact I'd go as far as to say debaucherous if I thought it was an actual word.

I liked him better when he was singing with his eyes closed and Hugh Grant was buying him cool new trainers.

Chica's Labyrinth

I'm sitting at that ruddy desk again, NOT thinking about his shirts or the way he smells, honest. I have thirty minutes of work left and then I am outta here. I think I will be taking my man out to dinner; had an invitation from Mybug to go see Pan's Labyrinth but I'm tired and Boyf needs cheering up.

We didn't go out at the weekend but he had a very good excuse of work troubles that could not be sulked about. I still sulked a little since I kind of saw it happening and he waited until there was far too little notice for me to organise anything with someone else. I think he wanted me to stay in and be miserable with him... I mean, be a supportive girlfriend.

According to 'Muffin's sources, Alfie's birthday is either today or Thursday, but his sources are questionable in my opinion. However, he put forward the dilemma of: what if Alfie is out celebrating his birthday the same night we're out celebrating 'Muffin's? (We're going to the place he goes every week. Before you say anything, pass remarkable, 'Muffin chose it!) I was going to invite the Boyf but if Alfie is there I'll be all anxious and I don't wanna ruin 'Muffin's night. Plus, Dedalus knows I am out with my friends and said he might pop in with his friends. It's a moral minefield of men. I still might take Boyf though. Maybe it will lessen the anxiety rather than increase it?

I also need to decide what to wear at some point. I thought I had settled on the green wrap dress but I'm thinking of wearing this other one I have... and I really want an excuse to buy some new boots. So far, I'm resisting. But we all know how bad I am at that.

Away with the Fairies

I have just received a text message from my Uncle Yank. Yank is a strange case for an Uncle in that he is only two years older than my eldest sister and he lived with us for about four years with his then-girlfriend, now-wife, Li. We were once quite close and I had a real fondness for him, but we had this really bad argument one day that permanently shattered any bond we had. If you've not noticed, I'm kind of big on the whole earth-shattering ruptures with people. I don't know why, it's not like I look for it. I guess I'm kind of stubborn but I like to think I'm quite forgiving. My mum says I get it from my paternal grandfather, but since I totally adored him I can't help but take this as a compliment.

But I digress. It's not that there's this rift between Yank and I anymore, we get along fine but there's just no real closeness there. He actually kind of reminds me of Alfie in some ways... that's a bit worrying! Anyway, every now and then Yank will send me a joke via text like the one I forwarded to Alfie the first ever time I text him - the night I got totally hammered because of the adrenalin rush I had when he text me back. A couple of weeks ago, Yank sent me another joke. Now I normally never bother forwarding stuff like that on, but I considered sending it to Alfie because he liked the first one and well, any old excuse to text him really. But I didn't because I felt awkward about contacting him and wanted him to contact me first. Basically I didn't want to look like a saddo using any reason I could grasp hold of to speak to him again... Ahem.

But this joke? This joke I certainly could not send to Alfie right now without looking like a bunny boiler.

A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. "I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. Two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appeared in her hand. The husband said: "Sorry love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92. Moral of the story: men who are ungrateful bastards should remember - fairies are fucking female.

As an aside, and on the subject of veering into stalker (were we?), I have worked out that Alfie's birthday is between now and the end of the month. How? Because his birthday is in January, and I know he's an Aquarius. The sign of Aquarius comes into play on the 20th of January. I swear I don't read his stars, I was reading 'Muffin's! You can start making that cuckoo noise now...

Unpretty

Recently I've been really wrapped up in appearances, mainly my own, worrying about the way that I look and being generally dissatisfied with what I've got to work with. Like it or not, appearance matters. And I truly believe that if you are attractive, doors will open for you that would otherwise be slammed in your face. Plus, you'd have less villagers chasing you back to the swamp with lit torches held aloft in a fiery condemnation of your sheer ugliness. The confidence you'd have must in itself make a major difference to the way you live your life. So, despite what I am about to say, I do realise the way the world works.

I've been placing far too much emphasis on looks, particularly in the demise of my brief brush with Alfie. I have been kind of working on the belief that if I was prettier, he'd want me. Alfie is oft surrounded by beautiful women, and I couldn't help thinking that people were looking at us when we went out, wondering what the blazes he was doing with me. But then I thought, well, Alfie isn't the best looking guy in the world, there are plenty of guys hotter than him, and I'd still choose him over Jake Gyllenhaal's doppelganger any day of the week. It's not all about looks. Take this girl.

Former Miss England, fellow scouser, model, and Celeb Big Brother contestant Danielle Lloyd. She's bloody gorgeous. I would kill to look like her. But the girl, if we judge her solely on her behaviour in the house, which is all I have to go on, is a complete bitch and alleged racist. She may be stunning on the outside, but her actions in the house so far have been hateful and ugly.

I guess it all depends on how superficial you are. But it takes more than a pretty face or a hot little bod to build a relationship. I saw something special in Alfie and for whatever reason, he was irresistably attractive to me (as my sister said, somewhat bemusedly, "It must be his personality.") And I'm sure that Alfie did look at other women and think they were way more gorgeous than me. But that doesn't necessarily mean he'd prefer to be with them. It probably meant it, since y'know... it's turned to dust. But I wasn't looking at better looking guys thinking I'd rather be with them, and that's enough to prove something to me!

So, in conclusion. Yes, I'd love to look like Danielle Lloyd. But I would rather be wanted for being me. (This does not mean I will stop bemoaning the fact that I am Ugly Betty without the brains or the promising magazine publishing career. Sorry 'Muffin.)

The Face of Things to Come

Here's some advice that made me feel a little better about my situation with Alfie:

Life is all about goodbyes, and the trick is to learn how to say goodbye with the most amount of grace. It is easier to say goodbye and let go of the people we love the most, because we know we loved them and that they loved us. It's more difficult to say goodbye to new relationships because we need to be around those people as the relationships aren't as well established.

I'm paraphrasing, but the source of these words of wisdom? He's on the left.



Dirk Benedict, currently starring in Celebrity Big Brother. Who needs Oprah?

Standing in the Way of Control

I've been trying to write a post for the past few days but they just aren't coming together. I need to be out dancing tonight, getting a wee bit merry maybe and wearing a fabulous outfit. I need a new look or something to make me feel good about myself again. I feel like a dysfunctional mess of a person with mousey hair and no life. I'm meant to be going out with the boyfriend tomorrow night but I suspect that may not happen now because he will probably be hungover since he's been drinking since this afternoon. I should make contingency plans really because I feel so frustrated with myself and I just want to let loose and have some fun, do something drastic maybe like drunk karaoke or ill advised skinny dipping in the Mersey, both equally dangerous sports.

Rar. This funk totally sucks.

Employee of the Month

So, Tuesday was my late night at work. I hate late nights and they're really boring but I have to say I get a much better deal than April with her solo shifts and encounters with El Creepo. Eek!

I shouldn't really complain this week (but I'm going to, natch) because for about an hour and a half, I was entertained by Mr. Mybug whilst manning the reception desk. Let me remind you I was having the worst hair day in recent memory and he tried to touch my hair and take a photograph of me, and gave me a hug. Plus, it's the first time he's seen my hair short. Typical. But he was really sweet and funny. The guy is the same age as my eldest niece so I can't help feeling a sort of 'awww' factor.

He also brought me a late Christmas present - a miniature Bible with blank pages and a hip flask secreted inside. This sort of thoughtful gift demonstrates the fact that he understands the pain of working here due to his own past experiences, and I'm glad he felt he could share his coping mechanisms with me. He said he should have put a nice message inside and I promptly demanded one. He made a little poem out of my name, and asked me to think of a word beginning with A. Apple was rejected and he asked for a more descriptive word, and do you know the first word that popped into my head was 'amorous'? He asked how to spell it. I asked if he knew what it meant and he said no. I told him, "Basically, you've just wrote that I make you horny." He started laughing and turned puse. "My boyfriend's gonna love that," I said. (I do this thing now where I drop my boyfriend into lot of conversations, just in case :P Oh yes. I've learned my lesson.)

He asked me out to lunch next week, so we'll see if that happens. And. He has a myspace. Mybug is adorable. Why can't Alfie be adorable?

'Muffin hung around after work until eight filling out some job applications, so I went over them with him before he left. Then I chatted to Dedalus online and helped one of the late night custodial guys fill up a trolley. Sounds like a pretty easy night, I know, but it dragged so much it was awful. I'd rather have things to do than try and make myself look busy and avoid the glares of the-woman-who-thinks-she-is-my-boss.

I'm on a half day today so I shall be skipping off merrily at half twelve round the shops for a quick nose for a pressie for 'Muffin's birthday. And maybe some shoes to ease the pain. But then I must go home and study for my meeting tomorrow! Oh no, the day I am exposed a a complete fraud is upon me. Ye gads.

My work ethic looks great from this angle, huh?

Wading in the Shallows

I have a couple of things to get off my chest:

1) Remember this? Well, I'm sitting at that desk right now looking at those doors. There is a reason office relationships are frowned upon. Every corridor holds a memory, perching like a little gremlin full of mirth at my evident discomfort and longing. Bittersweet nostalgia haunts me in my working hours. Imagine if he still worked here. I know an office flirtation might be a fun diversion in an otherwise dull expanse of time, but when you actually fall for someone and it doesn't work out... well, it's just not worth it. And if I ever felt a little crush creeping up on me again, I would do all in my power to suppress it like I managed to for ages with Alfie.

I'm trying to work towards a very sort of Buddhist, yogic, deep breathing, forgive the world, hug a tree, love thy neighbours screaming child, inhale a cactus... wait, scrap that last one, attitude of acceptance and gratitude for the times we had. Let's face it, I never thought the dude would look at me twice and if I hadn't gone for it then he wouldn't even have given me a cursory glance on his way out on his last day. I know I'm making more out of this than needs be but I was willing to give up everything for this guy even though I knew he didn't deserve it and wouldn't fully appreciate it. That's going to take some getting over. Bear with me. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

2) Bad hair day in the worst way. My hairdresser has been in Australia for six weeks. My hair, it pays the price. And I still haven't fixed on a colour. I'm so in need of a new look right now.

Loner

Do you ever wish you had a secret place nobody knew about that was just yours, and nobody could bother you there? You could go and hide and do your own thing and not have anyone to entertain or explain yourself to. All I wanted today was to be alone and the house was full of people. Everywhere I turned and every room I moved to, they just followed me. I ended up crawling underneath my duvet in a dark room and pretending I was asleep for an hour and a half. I wasn't. I was thinking. Me and that much time to think does not make a happy partnership at the moment, so when I finally made myself face everyone again it was not with the cheeriest of expressions on my face.

I hate to sound so anti-social, but it's just been one of those days where I can't take people. You know when you're fully aware of what rubbish company you are making and you want to go find a little piece of oblivion? Maybe I should develop a drinking habit. Alcoholism is the answer! A secret place, at the bottom of a bottle... This is not the kick-ass, happy me I shall be projecting in the future. She is a work in progress.

The Pursuit of Happyness

The film was great. Will Smith is excellent and his kid is super cute. Inspirational stuff and all very well acted. Treated with bathos which is very effective and there are some touching and funny parts all done with subtlety. I'd recommend it, unless you're in the mood for a fast paced thriller, because it's quite slow and doesn't have much action. I really enjoyed it.

The company was quite good as well. I'm still a bit unsure but it is nice meeting up with Dedalus and reminds me of my uni days. He also said he was sorry for being such a crap mate and that that was what he'd meant to say the other day over coffee but he didn't express it very well. He said it wouldn't happen again. He may very well be full of shit though as he said that he thought I looked like an actress from 24. I don't watch it so he assured me it was a compliment and I said I'd go home and Google it and it better not be Pat Butcher. I'm pretty sure that when a guy tells you that you look like this, when you know you are actually closer to resembling Pat Butcher there are ulterior motives at work. But I cannot be bothered worrying about that right now.

What would make me happy right now is if my dissertation was finished. I have an appointment with my tutor on Thursday and I think maybe he'll bitch slap me into shape. Will probably be meeting up with Dedalus again after the meeting because my uni is right near his house. See how easy this is? Alfie apparently drives right near my house every day on his way to and from work. He also leaves his house at the same time I leave mine, so that if I did buy a car and start driving into work, I would probably frickin' pass him going the opposite way.

I need to stop mourning this non-fling, non-relationship, non-friendship, non-affair and get a bit blimmin' kick ass again. Moping is so not my colour. If I ever bump into him, I need not to be looking like a startled deer in the woods or a bunny in the headlights of a big fuck off truck. It would be rather good if I could look like this, but I would settle for looking happy. If I could also look as cute as possible that would be quite nice too!

Inevitable Withdrawal

Despite the fact that I have resolved to get over Alfie, I have spent the evening browsing the Tiffany website for cufflinks for his birthday. (I like these or these.) Obviously, I have a long long long long way to go. I just have to keep telling myself that even if I was with him, this feeling would not last. It's simply not sustainable. It's impossible to idolise somebody this much on a long term basis. I think that's why I'm having such trouble moving on; all I want to do is indulge that feeling and enjoy that feeling of liking a person so much nothing is too much effort for them. My sister and my mum were talking about a trip to New York the other day and how despite my fear of flying, if Alfie was there I'd fly the bloody plane. I want to feel like that about someone and I can't help that I feel like that about the wrong man entirely.

I have had some little breakthrough moments though. I have accepted that it's over and I shouldn't contact him and I won't. That's kind of a big deal for me. And I'm happy that I've reached that point. I figure I can indulge all the rest of my melodrama because that's my stuff, that's how I'm coping, and as long as I keep that away from him then that's okay. I want to say goodbye with grace and dignity, even though the goodbye is unsaid. This has been a big bump in the road for me but the test is in how well you rise after you fall and I'm going to do my best to pull myself together and get on with my life.

If I bump into him though, all bets are off. I will be crying in a heap within about five minutes. Or screaming and banging my fists against something, if not a wall, possibly his chest. I really should prepare myself in case that happens, huh?

Pennies From Heaven

Boooooo, I just got a bank statement through and it SUCKS! This part time lark is great when you get to wave off your boyfriend sleepily at 7 am, then turn over and snuggle into his pillow, but mamma mia I've got a lot less dough! Seeing it in black and white was a little disheartening. I need to get a proper plan of action in order so that I can justify it. If I'm going to be studying again I need to sort myself out and find a friggin course. Also, I spent so much money at the end of last year, half of my student debt could have been paid off. Instead, I have boots. And an Alfie hangover.

Back to the books!

love, Chica x

Rehab

As I may have mentioned in passing, it's 'Muffin's birthday at the end of the month. What to get the man in my life who's my friend without harbouring any ulterior motives? The man who writes a wicked Christmas card and serenades me with Golden Girls theme tunes? In short, one of the best friends I have made in recent years or, indeed, ever? I need to get my thinking cap on.

We are hoping to go out on the last Friday of the month. He's inviting some other work people but I will probably meet them a bit later (since I don't work Friday's anymore, bliss!) Then he's staying over at mine, for his sins. We will possibly end up in The Living Room at some point. Apparently he's going to get drunk and take over the piano and I have to drape myself over it in an evening gown and sing I Will Survive. Perhaps the campest plan for a birthday celebration I have heard of but that's why you gotta love the 'Muffin! I'm really looking forward to it.

Of course, preparations for the outfit have already begun and I ordered myself some dresses off Warehouse the other day. I had to return one because I couldn't possibly squeeze my boobs into it but there are two others to choose from so I can start accessorising now. The one I had to return was typically the nicest too. But I suppose life goes on.

Today, I met Dedalus and went over an application form with him. He's applying for a job at my place and we dropped in today to print the form off and say 'hi' to 'Muffin. It was really bizarre being in there with him and introducing the two of them - like two worlds colliding. We had a bit of an awkward conversation over coffee about how his ex had asked him not to talk to me anymore. Apparently she knew he liked me and was threatened by me so he cut off contact because he loved her. He said he still loves her even though they're not together. He's having a difficult time with the break up I think and I'm not sure how to help. I showed him the photographs from the Christmas party and he was asking about Alfie. I'm an absolutely rubbish liar and completely transparent when I try to gloss over things so I think he suspects that I like him. He asked who looked after Puppy while we were away too so I had to tell him he died.

Anyway, we might be going to see The Pursuit of Happyness over the weekend, and I'm hoping to get a bit of studying done tomorrow. The Dedalus thing is really weird and I'm not sure how I feel about being friends with him again to be honest. I appreciate what he said about his ex but I just can't help feeling that he let me down. I don't know why he wants to be friends again or if it's too late to be friends again. It's nice to see him and stuff but, I don't know. Is it real? Am I a distraction of the rebound variety? Am I a doormat? Am I seriously stressing over another guy? Gah.

Tomorrow, no men. Dissertation. (About fucking time!)

The Power of Goodbye

I've been having real trouble sleeping these past few weeks, going over Alfie stuff in my head. I know that I got completely carried away with the Alfie stuff and it was all very unnecessary, but for whatever reason I just felt really strongly about him and still do. The feeling of being around him was kind of addictive. I remember a day where I was walking my usual route to work and I just felt so happy. I was almost laughing to myself I felt so ecstatic about how things were going and the fact that I would get to see him. There were bad times too, where I stressed about him for no apparent reason at all and made myself ill. Things were never going to be easy since I wasn't strictly available, no matter how either of us acted. But I am getting to a point where I can see a way out. I don't want to speak too soon because I know my emotions are up and down and sideways at the moment. I never thought I would feel like this about anyone but my boyfriend and it's been kind of a shock. Shock is a good word - I've shocked myself. But I feel a certain grace and a certain peace in relinquishing it all. It's tough, and I don't want it to be the end, but it is the end. It's over. And, I must have moved on a little because I am glad I don't have to work with him any more. Before Christmas I just really wanted him back at our place because it would mean I could see him every day and there wouldn't be this urgency, but now I feel glad that there is some space between us and I have that to use to get over him. It takes me a really long time to get over somebody because I really don't form such strong attachments easily. I don't know why I did become so attached to him on such a limited basis. I know so much about him that I would dislike in a partner that it's kind of crazy that I liked him in the first place...

I'm sure I will continue to have trouble sleeping and to think about Alfie a lot. But I do catch myself at times thinking about other things entirely, and feel glad. And I walked past his office the other day without even getting that feeling in my stomach, even though he's not there. I'm getting somewhere, even if it's only baby steps. I do still wonder if I will hear from him again. At the end of the day, I know he meant more to me than I did to him. But that doesn't have to negate my feelings. Just because he doesn't care about me, doesn't mean I can't care about him. I still do and I wish him well. Things didn't turn out like I wanted, but maybe they turned out like I needed. Only time will tell and I'm reaching the point where I feel like I can wait. Alfie can populate my daydreams without corrupting my reality and that's all okay. One day, I'll get a new dream.

Before all this happened, I was happy with my boyfriend. I used to go to work and miss him, and everyone would tease me about how he was the perfect man and nobody could compare to him. I don't know why this happened or what the right thing to do really is. I'm just hoping that one day I get that feeling back.

Ugly In More Ways

Jesus Christ, I've been back to blogging one day and already I am here feeling sorry for myself and putting my total self absorption and general embodiment of the word pathetic out there for all the world to see, if they happen to be bored and clicking 'next blog'. I'm thinking they'll click it again right around... now.

Okay, here it is, the self pity roll, let's get it all (mostly) out in one go: Alfie doesn't like me, I'm ugly and unloveable and unsuccessful and lazy and rubbish and my own worst enemy and untalented and destined to be unhappy for ever and on top of that an ungrateful bitch who deserves everything she gets.

I'm listening to George Michael's I Can't Make You Love Me. I've got issues.

That's right: I'm back! And so is the PMS. In a few days, I'll try and shake this off. But until then, I am letting myself wallow in this self destructive and completely uncalled-for funk. I realise this makes me a bad person, but I've done worse things recently. I'm going to cry and eat chocolate cake and write really awful posts. Are ya still with me?

Oh look, a tumbleweed...

Still Crazy

I'm home! Arrived back in Liverpool at two this morning. I have to say I was quite surprised by how much I missed the place. I've always thought of myself as a bit of a country girl at heart but I really missed the city. Maybe it was because I knew I was missing out on all the January bargains? Maybe it was because I couldn't check my email? Or maybe this is all part of my recent metamorphosis. I really hope I don't end up like Gregor Samsa.

So, I shall reiterate my Happy New Year of the last post, since it is now actually 2007. What what what? And in this year, I shall be 25. Oh My God. Time for some changes methinks.

Back to work tomorrow. I am dreading it, particularly the sound of my alarm clock in the morning, but in a weird way it feels good to be back and work is part of that. Now that I'm part time, it doesn't totally rule my life anymore so I can't grumble too much. And it's kind of nice that it feels good to be back home; I was looking forward to getting back to my life and sorting things out. It was only a week, but I missed my friends and my city and to a certain extent my routines. Who would have thought it eh?

As for the Alfie stuff, it is really getting to be too much for me. So I'm going to try and spend more time doing things with people who actually care about me. The real dilemma in all of this is what I should do about my future with Boyf. He wants me to move in with him this year and really I need to be clear in my mind that that's what I want before I commit. The trouble is that I really don't think I am ready. I do want to move house, but if I were to move somewhere else with MJ I think Boyf would be pissed off. And to be honest, I'm still holding out for Alfie, even though I know I shouldn't. I am trying to move on but it's tough.

So - yeah. That's my stuff. I've already caught up with some of the action I missed in the regular reads, and plan to catch up on the rest during work time tomorrow!