Inevitable Withdrawal

Despite the fact that I have resolved to get over Alfie, I have spent the evening browsing the Tiffany website for cufflinks for his birthday. (I like these or these.) Obviously, I have a long long long long way to go. I just have to keep telling myself that even if I was with him, this feeling would not last. It's simply not sustainable. It's impossible to idolise somebody this much on a long term basis. I think that's why I'm having such trouble moving on; all I want to do is indulge that feeling and enjoy that feeling of liking a person so much nothing is too much effort for them. My sister and my mum were talking about a trip to New York the other day and how despite my fear of flying, if Alfie was there I'd fly the bloody plane. I want to feel like that about someone and I can't help that I feel like that about the wrong man entirely.

I have had some little breakthrough moments though. I have accepted that it's over and I shouldn't contact him and I won't. That's kind of a big deal for me. And I'm happy that I've reached that point. I figure I can indulge all the rest of my melodrama because that's my stuff, that's how I'm coping, and as long as I keep that away from him then that's okay. I want to say goodbye with grace and dignity, even though the goodbye is unsaid. This has been a big bump in the road for me but the test is in how well you rise after you fall and I'm going to do my best to pull myself together and get on with my life.

If I bump into him though, all bets are off. I will be crying in a heap within about five minutes. Or screaming and banging my fists against something, if not a wall, possibly his chest. I really should prepare myself in case that happens, huh?