The Power of Goodbye

I've been having real trouble sleeping these past few weeks, going over Alfie stuff in my head. I know that I got completely carried away with the Alfie stuff and it was all very unnecessary, but for whatever reason I just felt really strongly about him and still do. The feeling of being around him was kind of addictive. I remember a day where I was walking my usual route to work and I just felt so happy. I was almost laughing to myself I felt so ecstatic about how things were going and the fact that I would get to see him. There were bad times too, where I stressed about him for no apparent reason at all and made myself ill. Things were never going to be easy since I wasn't strictly available, no matter how either of us acted. But I am getting to a point where I can see a way out. I don't want to speak too soon because I know my emotions are up and down and sideways at the moment. I never thought I would feel like this about anyone but my boyfriend and it's been kind of a shock. Shock is a good word - I've shocked myself. But I feel a certain grace and a certain peace in relinquishing it all. It's tough, and I don't want it to be the end, but it is the end. It's over. And, I must have moved on a little because I am glad I don't have to work with him any more. Before Christmas I just really wanted him back at our place because it would mean I could see him every day and there wouldn't be this urgency, but now I feel glad that there is some space between us and I have that to use to get over him. It takes me a really long time to get over somebody because I really don't form such strong attachments easily. I don't know why I did become so attached to him on such a limited basis. I know so much about him that I would dislike in a partner that it's kind of crazy that I liked him in the first place...

I'm sure I will continue to have trouble sleeping and to think about Alfie a lot. But I do catch myself at times thinking about other things entirely, and feel glad. And I walked past his office the other day without even getting that feeling in my stomach, even though he's not there. I'm getting somewhere, even if it's only baby steps. I do still wonder if I will hear from him again. At the end of the day, I know he meant more to me than I did to him. But that doesn't have to negate my feelings. Just because he doesn't care about me, doesn't mean I can't care about him. I still do and I wish him well. Things didn't turn out like I wanted, but maybe they turned out like I needed. Only time will tell and I'm reaching the point where I feel like I can wait. Alfie can populate my daydreams without corrupting my reality and that's all okay. One day, I'll get a new dream.

Before all this happened, I was happy with my boyfriend. I used to go to work and miss him, and everyone would tease me about how he was the perfect man and nobody could compare to him. I don't know why this happened or what the right thing to do really is. I'm just hoping that one day I get that feeling back.