Heartbreak Hotel

So it's been a year since the shit hit the fan as far as my relationship with my family goes. That's kinda something. I shan't bore with details, suffice to say that I had my heart broken, not by a former lover or potential mate, but by the people I grew up with, the people who populate my childhood memories, and the people whose betrayal still gets to me even a year down the line. Firstly, my sisters. It's hard to describe in words my relationship with my sisters - I find that guttural screaming and discreet sobbing under pillows late at night sum it up much more viscerally. I still speak to my sisters, I mention them on here from time to time, and I love them both in an annoyingly unconditional way that probably only exacerbates my issues with them. I am closest to my eldest sister, but there is something between us that I'm not sure if she is even aware of, something that makes me throw a brick wall up around myself so that even when we hug each other, I keep her at arms length. Her attitude to what happened a year ago frustrates me, and even though all that crap has been massively overshadowed by more recent events, I still carry it with me all the time. Maybe it's because I not only never received an apology from anyone involved, but nobody actually even acknowledged that me and my boyfriend were getting a pretty rough deal, and now they all pretend like nothing happened at all, while the ones who caused all the trouble in the first place have complete carte blanche. In short, they've won. Only instead of driving a wedge between me and the Boyf, they've driven one between me and my family. I'm not even going to try and explain my relationship with my other sister. My other sister has diplomatic immunity on the grounds that she's been completely fucked up by her husband. If my sisters have taught me anything, it's how destructive men can be. Or maybe I should qualify that - how destructive bad relationships can be. I'm overly cautious as a result I think; I'm always on the look out for the next way Boyf is gonna disappoint me. Then there are my nieces, and that big side order of guilt. The Grinch that I make reference to is their father, so if he ever did get his comeuppance and/or people acknowledged that the story he and Judas cooked up was bullshit then that would just be like a slap in the face to my nieces. And even though I think they secretly know that their dad is a liar and coward, he still is their dad and they love him, like I would. It's a vicious circle, one that's been going around and around in my head since last March. I know that all I can do is let go - nothing else is in my power, and it's not like I think about this stuff all the time. Sometimes I can even shake it off and think it's meaningless anyway - if my family could do that to me then it's not worth having any kind of trusting relationship with the majority of them anyway. But then I think how sad that sounds. What happened to make me the expendable one? I never did anything to hurt anyone, and I still wouldn't do the same to Judas even though he completely stabbed me in the back and totally floored me by his callousness afterwards. I just feel like I don't really matter. There are very few people in the world that I feel that I can count on, that are special to me and that reciprocate my care and attention. The people that are most important to me and that I am equally important to in my life today I can count on one hand. And I know that I'm lucky even to have them. Sometimes I wish so badly that my grandparents were still alive that it hurts. I was special to them, and I would have loved them to meet Boyf so much. I know this is a pretty selfish rant to be indulging in, but I'm gonna blame it on delirium from this evil cold. Oh look, time for more drugs! - Beechams Flu Plus that is.

You know when you have an argument with somebody and then all you can do for days afterwards is think about what you should have said? It's kind of like that except I never had the argument.