Dead Zone

Okay, I'm reaching the point where I know I need to give myself a good talking to. Why am I getting so carried away with this stupid crush over a guy I don't know very well, a guy that the Boyf is ten times better looking than, and probably ten times more of a man than? Do I even like the guy himself at all, or does he represent something to me?

What something? He's a flash git, the type of guy I think girls are stupid to like, he spends a fortune on clothes, needs to be seen in all the right places, and has a roving eye for the ladies. I don't want to stereotype him totally, because I think there are hidden depths there; he's lovely to the 'Muffin and was in a five year relationship, he can't understand why people are scared of commitment. He's exciting, and he has a lot of get-up-and-go.

Let's examine the weekend I've spent with Boyf so far. Friday night, I could've gone out with MJ, but I stayed at home with the Boyf so we could spend time together. This was my own choice, but I did sacrifice a good night out so that I could see him. And what did we do? Well. He watched Taggart. I couldn't bring myself to watch Taggart so I blogged and chatted to 'Muffin on MSN. Then I got bored and decided to sleep. This is when Boyf chose to come upstairs, after having a few cans of lager, and watch TV. While I was trying to sleep. I didn't say anything. When he disappeared for a bit, I turned off the TV. The room was dark. I heard him come back in. He was eating something. Then a crash as he knocked a glass of water over the TV. He swore, had a go at me "this room is exactly how you want it all the time", and slammed the lightswitch back on. He looked at the damage, then left it, switched the light back off, and carried on chewing. I got up and cleaned up the mess. Then I got back into bed. I lay there fuming. He started to snore.

This morning. He acted like nothing happened so I followed suit. It wasn't an actual argument, so let's just forget about it. We decided to go shopping because we had to pick up a couple of birthday presents, and I wanted shoes. We drove into town. Once there, and in the first shop I went into, Boyf started to complain. I suggested he went and got his dad's present while I tried on some shoes, and to call me when he'd finished and we'd meet back up. Off he went. I popped into two more shops and decided to call him, when I noticed that he'd tried to call me but I hadn't heard it because of the music in the shops. It must have been about twenty minutes since we'd split up. "Where are you?" I said when he picked up. He'd gone back to the car. He'd alread paid the parking fee. He'd bloody left me in town!

I was like: "Are you serious?" But whatevs, I hung up on him, ignored most of the rest of his calls, carried on shopping. It was horrible. I was in a foul mood. I bought one skirt and some perfume for my niece's birthday. Boyf called me and offered to pick me up, I told him I'd get the bus. Because of the match traffic, I was stuck on there for ages. I got home at about half six. Boyf saw me getting off the bus and caught up with me. He couldn't understand why I was angry and asked if we were still going to the pictures. Obviously, I responded calmly and sweetly: "I'm never going anywhere with you again! Get lost!" He refused, and followed me to the door, where I demanded his key. "So you can open the door and then fuck me off?" he asked. "No," I explained, "I mean, give me the key back." He did and stomped off. Then he turned up like an hour later asking again if we were going to the pictures. Like, get the message.

So now it's Saturday night and I'm home, again.

I wonder why I'm allowing myself to get so carried away with this crush?

Relationships aren't always easy. I know this. And what I've described above isn't really a huge deal. But it's getting to be like this more and more. Sometimes, I think the Boyf is the most amazing boyfriend in the world. People in work tease me about him being the perfect man, and nobody comparing to him. And then sometimes we go through phases like this, when I can't get him to make any sort of effort. I'm so tired of trying. If this is going to get fixed, it's down to him this time. I'm keeping my options open - after all, you only live once, and I'm tired of wasting my youth.