Dude. I am truly concerned for my sanity. For one, I just began a post with the word 'dude', and for two, Alfonse is doing my head in. I just want to stop thinking about him. Even now, if I heard from him, you do not know the level of joy it would bring me. Why is that, when he's horrid? I can still feel the high I got from him. I think it's that and not him that I'm addicted to. But when will I ever feel that again?
Part of the problem I think is that the build up to our non-fling was so big and I went to such efforts that for it to be basically all over in the space of a week or two just feels like... what? already? and then we kind of just stopped talking until the next thing I hear is he's happily coupled up. Maybe it's anti-climax. I'm just scared because when it was good - admittedly for about five minutes - I was so happy. I got the love rush. I walked down the street grinning. I was extra cheerful and extra nice to people, the world was a brighter place. And now that's all gone I just cannot come to terms with the fact that I won't get it back.
I'll let you in on the depths of how pathetic I am. (Can there be more? I hear you cry.) Sometimes I try and trick myself into not thinking about him anymore by imagining that one day, something will happen, because I can't feel this strongly about someone for nothing. Therefore I can stop thinking about it now and relax because it will just take care of itself and fate will work its magic. I imagine myself shopping on a warm sunny day in town with MJ or somebody and spotting him in a bar at the same moment he notices me and exchanging a smile and not even talking to each other but just that little thing causes a spark and something picks back up again. I daydream about stuff like this all the time, usually whilst staring at pages of my dissertation or rows of books.
And then there are the times when I go in completely the opposite direction and just think screw it, I want to just run headlong into things like leaving my job or moving in with my boyfriend because I have this theory that the momentum might stop me thinking about him and being somewhere different will make me feel like I've moved on.
Do they make pills for this? Is there some sort of Glenn Close Rehabilitation Circle for Obsessive Rejects I can join?
This is not the me I want to be.
I wish I was Amy Winehouse. I could just write a kick ass song about it and then get drunk for three years.
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4 comments:
Well, Amy is amazing, as we know - but never forget that she has side burns and they are never something you should wish for.
I know how you feel I have been there and I wish I could help you get over it, but the truth is - time is the only thing that will help you do that. And great shoes.
Thinking of you babe, I know I joke but I do feel for you x x x
Ps. Wish there was a pill - it could be called Alfie-hystermine!
You're not alone in this obsession. I find it to be THE worst part of the dissolution. That and that odd pang you get when you first wake up in the morning and realize that yes, it's true, you're no longer together. Ick.
Anyway, cheers to your birthday! I'd say champagne is in order here.
Wondy - please invent them and dose me up!
Nic - Thank you, champagne was had! Nice to know I am not alone, although I wish we could all be skipping through the daffodils completely oblivious to the pain of break ups.
xx
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