Overload

You know you've watched too much Big Brother when:

- you recall a conversation you had at work, but try to remember which housemate said it

- 'babes' becomes a catchphrase not only amongst your group of friends, but is used indiscriminately, with your bus driver, shop assistants, and the odd traffic warden

- you have a disturbing sex dream about Glyn

- you can remember the names of the blandest of housemates; Vanessa, Steph, or Amma anyone?

- during a fight with your boyfriend, you accuse him of being in it to win it and playing up to the cameras (he's not even Pete's real friend, he just knows he'll be popular on the outside!)

- you demand the use of at least three beds, and force all new comers to sleep on the floor

- you tear up an old gold lame number that's been rotting in your wardrobe since the eighties, festoon your loo seat with it and start ranting about how you're living in a house full of fake people every time you spend a penny. I take it as read we all have leather-clad bathroom walls yeah?

- when walking down the street, you suddenly start shouting "real people!" and screaming in the faces of passers by

- instead of popping down to the local Asda, Tesco, or what have you, you don an heinous amount of neon and lycra, dance very poorly on the lounge rug, then sit back and wait for the shopping to be delivered. When it doesn't arrive, you speculate about how 'they' are trying to turn you against each other, and that kicking up any sort of fuss would be playing right into their hands

By the by, I don't like all this secret house next door business. It's gone down like a lead balloon with me. Although Jonathon's "nice" when he left to a definite lack of fanfare was pretty funny. Poor old Jonathon, and mean old Big B!