Zero

I started writing this post in my head last night as I was drifting off to sleep, so it may seem a little disjointed. Last night, it seems Wondy and I had the same telly night! I too watched Louise Redknapp on The Truth About Size Zero. It was really interesting and exposed the quest for such ridiculously tiny proportions as the opposite of glamorous. She was unable to take any pleasure from anything in her life, became moody and lethargic, and was physically sick. By the end of the show, she fit into a size zero dress they had sent over from LA. It was the goal she had been working towards throughout the programme, working out in the gym with the dress hung where she could see it as motivation. The moment she put it on was totally anti climactic. She looked emaciated and depressed. You could see the bones in her back like a tiny little sardine spine. Then she changed out of the dress and threw it in the bin before heading out for dinner with her girl friends, and looked happy for the first time since the beginning of the show.

What made me angry was that there were a couple of photographers and personal trainers that were spurring her on and telling her that she looked great, when she looked really unhealthy and miserable. One photographer applauded her new sleeker lines, comparing her to a Porsche. She was a UK size 4! That's skin and bone. It's so dangerous. I've done a lot of reading on anorexia nervosa for the work I'm doing on my dissertation, and some psychoanalysts suggest that eating disorders represent a desire for oblivion, nothingness, a loss of autonomy. Who would ever encourage somebody to starve themselves into oblivion?

It also made me think about my relationship with my own body. I'm happy with my body shape. Sure, my tummy could be flatter, my boobs could be bigger, my legs could be longer, and so on, but overall I'm not too worried, even though my weight can fluctuate. My insecurities lie elsewhere - it's fair to say, I hate the way I look. During the height of the Alfie debacle, I lost a bit of weight, because I was in a constant state of anxiety and found it impossible to finish a meal. I've put it all back on since, but there was a point when my skinny jeans hung off me, and would have fallen down if I didn't wear a belt. They're still a little baggy. What's crazy, and I hate to admit it even, is that sometimes I look back and think, it would be great if I could drop that weight so fast again. Let me just repeat something: I was in a constant state of anxiety and found it impossible to finish a meal. I enjoy food; I think it's one of life's greatest pleasures, and the one thing me and Boyf do have in common is that we both love eating out in restaurants and filling our faces. So if even someone who feels generally happy with their figure can feel the pressure to be thinner, I can't imagine the pressure on someone who is naturally a bigger shape and made to feel bad about it.

And with that, I am off to dunk a Dairy Milk into a cup of tea!

Mo' Money Mo' Shopping

I could start these posts, "Today, I bought-" I so need this job! Did I tell you I've picked out reward boots for if I get it? They're fab, even Guillermo likes them. I'm tempted to mention them when they ask me what I could bring to the job at interview :P

Today, I bought: the skirt and shorts I bought yesterday in different colours (a sure sign of reckless spending if you ask me), a pair of brown wedge shoes so that I can finally wear the brown trousers and skirt I bought last year, an apricot coloured zip up jacket, a long bright orange skirt, and a duck-egg blue cord blazer for my interview (maybe, and it's smarter and nicer than it sounds). I regret not buying a pair of beige crop trousers I spotted in a weird little shop I don't normally go in and, oh, the shoes I went out for in the first place and couldn't find. My niece partook of the shopping. She wears clothes "like wrapping paper" and is unbelievably specific about what she's after, she takes after me like that :) She wanted the skirt and grey top I bought yesterday but today they were both sold out! She'll borrow them off me now :P

I may be going to the Christening tomorrow since I could just go to the service and bite my tongue to keep from hurling abuse at Judas up at the altar and refrain from chucking things at his Footballers Wives reject girlfriend. I'm still undecided. I'm trying to decide what would cause the least trouble. I made a bit of a lame excuse up to my sister because I didn't want to say "Well, it's because of your jealous prick of a husband and that nobhead Judas." I've basically decided that the only person it will bug if I don't go is my sister because she may think I'm being petty and deliberately awkward and nobody else will really care either way. I just hope I don't make a show of myself and start crying. Did someone you cared about ever really stab you in the back? And then every time you're forced to be in the same vicinity as them it makes you feel sick to your stomach? There'll probably be a few posts about the eejit over the next few days if I encounter him tomorrow. Advance warning. But I feel better after I've slagged him off a bit... and spent every penny I have to my name!

Oh, and I got my hair cut this morning. My hairdresser told me off for washing my hair too much. She said it strips your hair of natural... something good. I hate greasy hair though, I think I'm overly paranoid. I remember I ranted that much about the greasy barnet on Jamie off Eastenders that my friend confessed he washed his hair every time he was meeting up with me cos he was afraid of what I'd think :P I only wash my hair like four or five times a week though, I think that's normal? Anyway, I have my fringe back, hurrah! It was really starting to annoy me, and I look better with a fringe, or 'bangs' as David says. My hairdresser is really funny. She and my sister were swapping stories about giving birth though. I'm still wishing the stork thing was true.

Expedition

Yesterday I added stuff to my workout and today my legs hurt. Ouch. On the other hand, I also ate a Big Mac. I don't even really like them. And I haven't seen Super Size Me, but I get the gist. Stoopid fast food. Step up in my exercise routine comes with the proximity of my summer holiday, which I plan to spend almost entirely in a bikini, God willing. Yet I still need to go clothes shopping :) I have a flat tum but I want to be toned and supple.

To the shopping. I need some shorts, some cool skirts for wandering around French villages, perhaps a summer dress or two, and shoes. I've been trying to track down a decent pair of heels to wear with my turquoise skirt for ever. I still haven't been able to wear it and I bought it in the January Sales! Travesty! If there's time, I may blag a visit to the Trafford Centre. However, not my boyfriend's favourite place. I prefer shopping in the city too, but I wanted to check out Mango, Miss Sixty and Aldo. Boyfriend is mistakenly more concerned with maps and route planning. Men eh?