Chin Up

Gah, my boyfriend is annoying the crap outta me. Is it awful that I completely enjoyed being alone last night? I liked being able to do whatever I wanted without deferring to somebody else or checking to make sure he was properly entertained, and I even enjoyed cooking and eating alone, which I usually hate. Then he came home at 1 am drunk as a skunk, with this horrible mask of a face he gets when he's really hammered, and I just felt immediately harangued and stressed out. This morning, I got up, and he'd eaten the last of everything. He had the television blaring in the living room and was asleep on the couch. I made him some tea, tidied up the kitchen, and switched on the heating because the house was freezing. Meanwhile, he goes upstairs, snaffles the duvet off my bed and climbs back under it onto the couch watching The Discovery Channel.

So now I am annoyed and blogging in my bedroom to get away from the noise of the TV, I'm hungry, and I'm cold because he has my duvet, and he switched the radiator off in my room!

In other news, I just took Goldberg's depression test online - it popped up on the MSN homepage, don't worry - and while I really don't think clickable tests you take in your pyjamas drinking coffee are especially credible, it's kind of worrying that on this scale, I scored a 70.

0 - 9 Depression unlikely
10 - 17 Possibly minor depression
18 - 21 On the verge of depression
21 - 35 Minor to moderate depression
36 - 53 Moderate to severe depression
54+ Severe depression

You have the symptoms of severe depression. The condition seems to cause serious problems in your everyday life, and you should consult your doctor immediately. Your boyfriend is obviously taking the piss while the man you really desire is out of your reach. You probably work in a dead end job and are being ignored by the tutor who is supposed to be mentoring you. Sucks to be you, love.

PS You are in danger of becoming a whiny cow permanently. Suggested treatment: Wondy gives you her new shoes.

Okay, I feel better now. I think I'll go buy some groceries, do my nails, try out my GHD straighteners and get ready for a night on the tiles. Heck, I might even go for a run. That'll show him!

Standing in the Way of Control

I've been trying to write a post for the past few days but they just aren't coming together. I need to be out dancing tonight, getting a wee bit merry maybe and wearing a fabulous outfit. I need a new look or something to make me feel good about myself again. I feel like a dysfunctional mess of a person with mousey hair and no life. I'm meant to be going out with the boyfriend tomorrow night but I suspect that may not happen now because he will probably be hungover since he's been drinking since this afternoon. I should make contingency plans really because I feel so frustrated with myself and I just want to let loose and have some fun, do something drastic maybe like drunk karaoke or ill advised skinny dipping in the Mersey, both equally dangerous sports.

Rar. This funk totally sucks.

Loner

Do you ever wish you had a secret place nobody knew about that was just yours, and nobody could bother you there? You could go and hide and do your own thing and not have anyone to entertain or explain yourself to. All I wanted today was to be alone and the house was full of people. Everywhere I turned and every room I moved to, they just followed me. I ended up crawling underneath my duvet in a dark room and pretending I was asleep for an hour and a half. I wasn't. I was thinking. Me and that much time to think does not make a happy partnership at the moment, so when I finally made myself face everyone again it was not with the cheeriest of expressions on my face.

I hate to sound so anti-social, but it's just been one of those days where I can't take people. You know when you're fully aware of what rubbish company you are making and you want to go find a little piece of oblivion? Maybe I should develop a drinking habit. Alcoholism is the answer! A secret place, at the bottom of a bottle... This is not the kick-ass, happy me I shall be projecting in the future. She is a work in progress.

Hormonally Yours

Government Health Warning: I am seriously hormonal today. Seriously.

- Insert rant about how Alfie is leading me on here. -

Junk of the Heart

This is supposed to be the week I get my life in order. But I have just got myself ready to go into uni (I'm meant to drop in on my new tutor before four - it takes me an hour to get there and it's 15:02 according to my laptop) and now I'm sitting here blogging instead. I have a headache.

I also have great plans to redecorate my bedroom and throw out/box up a load of junk. But I'm back at work tomorrow and I haven't done much more than throw out some old receipts I was holding onto.

There is a bag of clothes at the foot of my bed waiting to be returned to Miss Selfridge, and I still haven't picked up those heels. I'm completely unprepared for Saturday, the Big Night out with 'Muffin and Crunchie/Himself.

My little baby Puppy isn't doing very well at the moment. He's a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and suffers from a genetic disorder that effects his heart valves. He's lethargic and acting weird and on about six different pills. He's ten so he's quite old for that breed.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my sister's husband's death and I think she might go off the rails. It' going to be a tough day for my niece.

MJ is away and I have the house to myself. I was looking forward to having some alone time with the Boyf but now I kind of wish MJ was here, if only to distract me a bit with his terrible singing in the shower, leaving wet towels everywhere, experimental cooking, and those really awful detective programmes he makes me watch because he hates watching TV alone.

Maybe I subconsciously don't want to sort my life out, because then I will have to make some decisions and I haven't got the foggiest? Maybe some people are just supposed to flounder around aimlessly in the messy debris of moments gone by? Maybe it's no bad thing? We can't all be like 'Muffin with his five year plans, work diaries, strictly adhered to priorities. The man is like a machine. A machine in tweeds and a corporate logo tie! He really knows what he wants and goes for it though. I wish I had such direction!

I'm gonna e-mail my tutor and cancel. Then I'm going to look at my dissertation - I'll probably blog again when I get bored after about five minutes of that. Then I shall go upstairs and start organising things until half past five when Puppy's next truckload of pills have to be administered. Unless the Boyf shows up in the next tens minutes and saves the day - he can get me to uni in twenty minutes.

You know why I was running late in the first place? Straightening my hair. What was that about priorities?

Dead Zone

Okay, I'm reaching the point where I know I need to give myself a good talking to. Why am I getting so carried away with this stupid crush over a guy I don't know very well, a guy that the Boyf is ten times better looking than, and probably ten times more of a man than? Do I even like the guy himself at all, or does he represent something to me?

What something? He's a flash git, the type of guy I think girls are stupid to like, he spends a fortune on clothes, needs to be seen in all the right places, and has a roving eye for the ladies. I don't want to stereotype him totally, because I think there are hidden depths there; he's lovely to the 'Muffin and was in a five year relationship, he can't understand why people are scared of commitment. He's exciting, and he has a lot of get-up-and-go.

Let's examine the weekend I've spent with Boyf so far. Friday night, I could've gone out with MJ, but I stayed at home with the Boyf so we could spend time together. This was my own choice, but I did sacrifice a good night out so that I could see him. And what did we do? Well. He watched Taggart. I couldn't bring myself to watch Taggart so I blogged and chatted to 'Muffin on MSN. Then I got bored and decided to sleep. This is when Boyf chose to come upstairs, after having a few cans of lager, and watch TV. While I was trying to sleep. I didn't say anything. When he disappeared for a bit, I turned off the TV. The room was dark. I heard him come back in. He was eating something. Then a crash as he knocked a glass of water over the TV. He swore, had a go at me "this room is exactly how you want it all the time", and slammed the lightswitch back on. He looked at the damage, then left it, switched the light back off, and carried on chewing. I got up and cleaned up the mess. Then I got back into bed. I lay there fuming. He started to snore.

This morning. He acted like nothing happened so I followed suit. It wasn't an actual argument, so let's just forget about it. We decided to go shopping because we had to pick up a couple of birthday presents, and I wanted shoes. We drove into town. Once there, and in the first shop I went into, Boyf started to complain. I suggested he went and got his dad's present while I tried on some shoes, and to call me when he'd finished and we'd meet back up. Off he went. I popped into two more shops and decided to call him, when I noticed that he'd tried to call me but I hadn't heard it because of the music in the shops. It must have been about twenty minutes since we'd split up. "Where are you?" I said when he picked up. He'd gone back to the car. He'd alread paid the parking fee. He'd bloody left me in town!

I was like: "Are you serious?" But whatevs, I hung up on him, ignored most of the rest of his calls, carried on shopping. It was horrible. I was in a foul mood. I bought one skirt and some perfume for my niece's birthday. Boyf called me and offered to pick me up, I told him I'd get the bus. Because of the match traffic, I was stuck on there for ages. I got home at about half six. Boyf saw me getting off the bus and caught up with me. He couldn't understand why I was angry and asked if we were still going to the pictures. Obviously, I responded calmly and sweetly: "I'm never going anywhere with you again! Get lost!" He refused, and followed me to the door, where I demanded his key. "So you can open the door and then fuck me off?" he asked. "No," I explained, "I mean, give me the key back." He did and stomped off. Then he turned up like an hour later asking again if we were going to the pictures. Like, get the message.

So now it's Saturday night and I'm home, again.

I wonder why I'm allowing myself to get so carried away with this crush?

Relationships aren't always easy. I know this. And what I've described above isn't really a huge deal. But it's getting to be like this more and more. Sometimes, I think the Boyf is the most amazing boyfriend in the world. People in work tease me about him being the perfect man, and nobody comparing to him. And then sometimes we go through phases like this, when I can't get him to make any sort of effort. I'm so tired of trying. If this is going to get fixed, it's down to him this time. I'm keeping my options open - after all, you only live once, and I'm tired of wasting my youth.

Self Demotion

Here is my second attempt at the witty interesting post. You'd think a second draft would be better but no... Here is the diluted version.

So, gentle readers (vicious ones would already have called me on it), I am well aware that this blog has SUCKED recently (you're all going, 'umm, recently???' right, am I right?) and I'm not sure what to do about it. There are times when I think of something really funny to post or something happens that I want to share but I either never get around to it or it loses something in the telling and I give up. Meh, what you gonna do?

Really I think it's a symptom of things generally for me in my life at the moment. Nothing is wrong; I consider myself very lucky to be where I am and who I'm with right now and really I feel that if you have your health and people to love then you're basically sorted. It's just that it's all getting a bit samey. Friends: I'm in a rut. A career rut, a relationship rut, a social rut, a style rut... there's a whole lot of rutting going on and not the good kind.

My mum is a very wise woman and one of the things she tells the many people who seek her advice is 'if you want things to change, do something different.' You may be thinking 'well duh, wise my arse', but I think some of the best advice is the most simple, and it's not always that easy to realise or to follow.

I also have this really annoying crush and it's not the kind you can indulge in and enjoy as a meaningless distraction to brighten up your day. It's the embarrassing blush every time you speak to him = avoid talking to him as much as possible = he thinks you're a weird social retard = more furious blushing vicious circle kind of crushes. The most annoying thing about it is that I wouldn't even want to go out with him, even if I was single. It's more that I like the idea of a parallel me going out with him and doing the things I'd secretly love to do and acting in a way I never could, if that makes sense. Unhealthy much?

Did I mention this guy would probably interview me if I go for the part time job at work? WHAT a bastard.

So, yeah, my blog pretty much sucks. Read the ones in my sidebar instead!